Kindergarten: A Comparison of Homeschool and Public School

Hi all! This was our first year having a child in...school! Our little (now big!) Eli started kindergarten in 2022. I have had several people ask me about my experience doing homeschool this year, and we actually did both homeschool and public school, so I wanted to write out a comparison for those interested. Just to make this clear right up front, I don't believe there is one right way to do school. And I don't have a strong opinion about one being better than the other. I think they are both great! Here is what I learned...

A quick outline of some key points I learned about each option:

Homeschool

-shorter

-no driving

-less busy (lower energy people might enjoy this)

-flexibility for extracurricular 

-stipend is nice

-my child learned a lot

-fun sometimes, stressful sometimes

-it is rewarding seeing your child learn and being super involved in that process

-my child was able to explore very specific interests/talents that aren't usually available in kindergarten

-I get to include things that are important to me

Public School

-longer

-lots of driving and car time

-felt very busy to have public school and extracurriculars (higher energy people might enjoy this) 

-awesome teachers

-classmate interactions are so fun

-super impressed with the public school system here where I live

-my son felt welcomed, respected, valued, and made great friends

-my child learned a lot

-fun sometimes, stressful sometimes

-it is rewarding having your child come home knowing new things that you didn't know they knew

-having my child out of the home and having valuable experiences planned by someone else each day was really nice

-my child got to participate in cultural experiences with other kids (celebrating Thanksgiving in class, etc)

When I told people I was homeschooling Eli this year, I often got one of these responses: "Wow, I could never do that!" or "Wait, you think homeschool is easier? I'd think the opposite." This has led me to believe that there are a few common misconceptions about homeschool. I think I also used to believe these. 

Common Misconceptions About Homeschool

-the parent is required to put in the same amount of time as a paid teacher into preparation

-homeschool lasts as long as public school, so a parent must keep their kids engaged and busy for 2-6 hours! 

-homeschool is complicated and parents must create their own curriculum

Okay, here's the detailed overview of my experiences with kindergarten homeschool and public school.

Why We Chose Homeschool

Extracurricular Activities and the Stipend

Okay, so we started off the school year doing homeschool through a program called Harmony Ed. I was familiar with the program because a relative of mine has used it and enjoyed it. I was already interested in homeschool but was drawn to these available homeschool programs after learning that this program gives families a stipend to use to buy educational supplies and even enroll their children in extracurricular activities. I love extracurricular actives. I explored a lot of different things growing up (musical instruments, sports, art, languages, etc) and I loved how my parents encouraged my sister and I to try new things and spend time doing things we loved. Naturally, I've wanted to provide the same opportunities for my kids. With several little kids and a tight budget, I decided that doing homeschool through Harmony Ed would give me a chance to put my kids into extracurricular activities that we otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford this year. 

So after talking to Eli about his preference, we all decided to try Harmony homeschool with a martial arts class as Eli's special activity. Eli has absolutely loved martial arts! And I'm so glad that our homeschool program enabled us to put him in those classes. That aspect of homeschool has been awesome.

Contrary to popular belief, I found this year that homeschool isn't hard or complicated. In fact, we finish school in under an hour every day! Usually homeschool for a kindergartener (and our preschooler when she is not at her out-of-the-home preschool class) lasts about half an hour. So one perk of homeschool is that you finish in significantly less time than they do at public school! This could also be a con to some people. I think the reason homeschool is so much shorter is that you are working with one kid instead of 20ish. So when the child understands, you move right along. Also, rather than having school work and homework, our work is all combined. Homeschool can be almost like just the homework portion of public school. I know everyone does it differently. But this is just our personal experience of how we are doing homeschool.

Catering to My Child's Skill Levels

Another reason I decided to do homeschool is that Eli is extremely advanced in math. He taught himself multiplication when he was about 3 or 4. He also taught himself double-digit addition with little to no help from us. So I wanted to let him excel in math as much as he wanted to. This was awesome about homeschool because I was able to get a 1st grade math book for him, knowing that he'd be bored with kindergarten math. 

After several months of homeschool, Eli started getting really curious about the school bus that drives through our neighborhood, and one day said, "Aw, I really wanted to go with the other kids to school." 

This was fine with me because before we even started school, I tried really hard to explain the options to Eli and get his opinion on which he'd like to try. He didn't really know enough to make a solid decision since he hadn't experienced either option. 

I contacted the school district, and after me doing some convincing ("He's extremely smart and won't have any trouble with the materials taught"), they let him start the coming week rather than waiting until the next term started. 

Transitioning to Public School

The transition seemed really easy for Eli. He was so excited and got himself ready early that first day. Though he wanted to take the school bus, I explained to him that our elementary school doesn't send a school bus to our neighborhood because we live too close. (Too close for a bus but too far to walk.) The one he was seeing must have been for a different district or immersion program. 

Making Friends and Socialization

It was so fun dropping Eli off for his first day and then picking him up. He was just beaming and had had such a fun day at school. His teacher and class were so welcoming and nice. He felt like a part of the class right away. He really, really enjoyed the social aspect of school. He came home each day telling me about the people in his class and new friends.

I learned quickly that the pick up at a public school can get really crazy! I found that I had to arrive 15 minutes early if I wanted a spot in the pickup line. (I later learned there is a secret parking lot to pick up kindergarteners and that's why all the other kindergarten parents were beating me to pick up, leaving Eli the last kid with his teacher.) 

Time Spent for Public School Vs. Homeschool

So, here's a comparison I want to make. Because I have three kids and can't leave them home alone, it's a big ordeal to drop off Eli at school. It requires packing up a well-behaved, but often distracted, 6 year old, an extremely high-energy 4 (now 5) year old who is fiercely independent, and an also extremely independent and opinionated toddler. As you can imagine, getting into the car with these three is much different than just plopping yourself into the car and going. 

So we always tried to start getting ready to get out the door 50 minutes before Eli's school started. I found that we had to leave 15 minutes early to make it, even though the school is about 7 minutes away. 

So the process of getting the kids ready and driving to the school took about 30-60 minutes each day. This is as long, or longer, than I spend homeschooling the kids each day. We finish their homeschool bookwork in about 20-30 minutes. After that we often read or do music together. But the main school work (that I see as necessary each day) takes 20 minutes. 

So this is why when people tell me that homeschool seems way harder, I'm shocked. Because it's much harder for me to wrestle my three kids in the car, get my boy to school on time, then wait in line for 20 minutes to pick him up, than it is to work in a textbook with my kids for 20 minutes a day. 

You can see that the time commitment from me for a regular school day compares like this: 

Homeschool Total: 30-60 minutes of working in textbooks, reading, music, etc.

Public School: 

50 minutes (prep to get out the door and driving over for drop off) 

(then Eli is gone for 2 hours)

+

30 minutes (loading kids into car, driving, getting to school fifteen minutes early for pickup)

= 80 minutes. 

As far as my work/involvement goes, homeschool is faster and simpler for me. 

But the two kinds of work are very different. The public school time investment for me is physically demanding (lifting kids, getting shoes on, putting coats on, buckling seatbelts) while the homeschool time is less physically demanding but involves me guiding them through textbook work. Both versions of work (homeschool and public school) are sometimes emotionally draining. Haha. Either way you will be wrestling kids at some point, learning extreme patience, etc. 

Choosing Our Busy-ness Level

After several months of public school, Eli was still enjoying it, but he was getting drained. He kept telling me how tired he was. At first he looked forward to his "busy" days when he went straight from public school to martial arts. He said he loved being busy. But after several months, it was taking a toll on him, and he told me he'd like to go back to homeschool. I told him we could lighten his load by stopping martial arts. But he said he wants to keep doing martial arts. He said he'd rather do martial arts and homeschool and drop public school. I was okay with that because I understand that this first year is a time of exploration for both of us. We are trying things out and figuring out what works best for us. 

I was a bit relieved to go back to homeschool too though. Here is what my "busy" day schedules looked like: (Luckily on these days twice a week my husband works at home, so I wasn't packing all the kids in the car each time I left the house.)

8:50am Take Emily to Preschool

9:00am Online Appointments 

11:50 Pick up Emily

12:00 Make Lunch for Everyone 

12:40 Take Eli to School

3:15 Drive to get in line to pick up Eli

3:40 Drop Eli off at Martial Arts

4:40 Go Pick up Eli

5:20 My Marital Arts Class

7:00 Get Home and Breath 

Get Kids to Bed

So even though we both had an overwhelmingly positive experience with the local public school, Eli and I both seem to be a bit lower energy, and we felt a lot of relief to let go of some of the busy.

On the other hand, it was also awesome having someone else prepare and teach Eli for those 2 hours and 40 minutes every day. It can make a big difference to have your child out of the house and enjoying engaging planned activities for those hours. 

This is an adorable turkey my son made in his public school kindergarten class. My mama heart was melting to see that he had written "Mom" on two out of the four feathers of what he is grateful for. (Was it because Mom is easy to write and it was an easy way to fill half the feathers? haha Maybe. I don't know. But it melted my heart.) This cute project is one example of how cool it is to have your kid come home from school with crafts you didn't plan and having learned new things from a wonderful teacher!

Also, during our public school experience I loved that someone else was creating routine for Eli. Being a homeschool mom can be challenging in that way. It can be difficult to maintain routines when you don't have external help. That's why I feel like homeschool balances well with having extracurricular activities out of the home. It feels more balanced to have those outings where your kid can make friends, be out of the house, and have a different adult making routines and activities for them. Also, options like Harmony or My Tech High have different ways that you can choose to report your child's work (including options as simple as taking pictures of their work to submit weekly or having a quarterly review with one of their representatives on a video call).

I think a big factor in choosing homeschool or public school for me is just finding what matched my and my kids' energy levels. I'm a bit of a slower person. Even though I can maintain a busy schedule like we were doing for those several months, it eventually really exhausts me, and I feel like I need a lot of time at home to recover from that level of busyness. I recognize that a lot of people are really energized by being out and about all day! So I think that's something to consider when choosing how you want to do school. (Homeschool also has the flexibility of being high energy for those who choose to create that. But I like our slower style of homeschool.)

Homeschool Curriculum

Just to clarify the myths about me creating hours worth of curriculum... Harmony Ed has many different options (as do other homeschool programs like My Tech High). You can choose their curriculum, to use a third party curriculum, or to do your own curriculum. Each of these options takes a different amount of funds from your total stipend. Third party curriculum tends to be the most expensive, with "make your own" curriculum as the cheapest option. I tried the third party curriculum and the "make my own" curriculum. I was unimpressed with the third party curriculum which was all computer based and was sometimes boring and glitchy. I like the "make my own curriculum" option the best and so does Eli. 

For our curriculum, we just use textbooks, ordered online with the stipend money from Harmony. So we have a phonics textbook for learning to read, a language arts textbook (tracing letters, writing, etc), a math textbook (which I chose a more advanced option for Eli), and we are also getting a science textbook (to replace the boring, glitchy third party options we tried). 

I assign Eli one to four pages from each textbook and he works on those independently, asking questions when needed (does the 2 go this way or that way? Is my 5 going the right way?). Next to us, Shanae (the toddler) spreads her art supplies all over the room like a miniature tornado and colors happily, babbling and chatting away. When Emily is home, I assign her pages from a preschool book and she colors and practices tracing letters. It's simple and sweet, and I love it. 

Also, I use some of the stipend money to buy Stem-type toys that are screen-free and encourage creativity. Things like pipe connecting toys or discs for building. This way I have something to give the kids during the day to keep them busy. So even though my "hands-on" homeschool might be 20 minutes, they could spend hours afterwards doing free play.

Catering to My Child's Interest and My Priorities

Something else we tried this year in homeschool that I loved was allowing Eli to explore the world of coding. He loves solving problems and is naturally drawn to technology. We used some of the stipend to buy him a screen-less coding robot called Botly. He has really excelled with it and has loved having it as a part of our homeschool. 

I don't think he would have the opportunity to learn coding and have hands on time operating a robot at public school, but that time would be replaced with other equally rewarding things, like PE with his friends and doing group activities with class members. 

I also am incorporating anatomy and healthy sexuality into our homeschool program because that is important to me. 

This month we started doing music lessons for homeschool, and I'm teaching the kids to play an instrument called the ocarina. That's been a recent highlight for me. While "doing music lessons for the kids" might sound like one of those big, impressive homeschool misconceptions, here's what it actually looks like: I give the three kids their plastic ocarinas. We squawk and squeak for 10 minutes while I show them fingering and say the names of the notes. Eli learned Hot Cross Buns this week! (Super proud mom over here!) But our homeschool music time is not glamorous or fancy at all. It's quite the cacophony of sounds but it is simple, fun, and doable. The kids really enjoy it! 

Note: I also was doing full-time homeschool for Emily at the beginning of the year. And when Eli switched to public school, we enrolled Emily in a preschool. She is a much higher-energy kid than Eli, and we were feeling that we needed some extra help with providing structure and attention for her. And having that time out of the house has been really helpful for her and us. I will be honest that she has had many days she doesn't want to go and really protests it, but she perks up and gets excited as soon as we get there. She also sometimes melts down afterward. And I'm learning that the transitions of going and coming back are just emotional times for her, and that's okay. On those days, she just needs time to decompress when she gets home. She sometimes cries, throws a tantrum, and ultimately just needs a long hug and some extra snuggles. She gets more nervous about separation than Eli does, and I'm learning to navigate their unique personalities and different needs. 

Eli also had meltdowns a few times after getting home from preschool. I realized that 1.) he's usually starving and needs some food when he gets home and 2.) my kids just need some decompressing time after being in a big social situation (they must take after me and their dad!). 

In conclusion, I have loved both homeschool and public school this year. I'm not forever committed to either one. I think we will choose each year based on our family's needs and each specific child's personality and needs.

I'm so grateful that I live in a place where there are countless opportunities for my children to receive high-quality educations. (We looked into and considered a local charter school too, and it looks amazing!) I was especially impressed by Eli's teachers (he had two during his several months at public school). They were both full of kindness, patience, and he learned so much from them.

Love this little family of mine and the life we are creating together. 💜

Lasting Discipleship: What I've Learned About Following Jesus Christ Through My Mental Health Journey

This past week I was invited to speak to my church congregation about "lasting discipleship." I'm really grateful for that invitation and for the closeness I felt with God while preparing my thoughts to share. I'm also so grateful for the incredible congregation I'm a part of and how loved, accepted, and appreciated they made me feel. (I prepared this specifically for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but I think many of the principles apply to people of different faiths and denominations.) This talk is a bit nontraditional, but while preparing to talk about "discipleship" I felt drawn to sharing things I've learned over the past two years through my treatment for OCD.

* * *

 

We often talk about “do’s” when it comes to being a disciple of Christ. (scripture study, going to church, serving, praying, temple worship, etc). A few years ago, I hit an ultimate low, and I couldn’t do the “do’s” anymore. My mental illness interfered with my scripture study and prayer. I didn’t have physical strength or energy to get out of bed and care for my kids the way I wanted to. I felt worthless because I couldn’t “do” things that I felt I needed to do–things that I thought made me valuable. This caused me to reflect deeply on what gives me value and purpose and on my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Firstly, I want to say that nothing you or I do can earn us Heavenly Father’s love. Nothing we do can increase our personal value or worth. Just as President Nelson has said many times, Heavenly Father’s love for you is simply always there. It always has been there and always will be there. Nothing you do can affect or change that (for better or for worse). You can’t earn His love. He has already given it freely and will never take it away. The same goes for your worth as His child. You cannot do anything to lessen or increase your worth. No amount of sin will decrease your worth. No amount of righteousness will increase your worth. 

 

So why be a disciple of Jesus Christ? I believe it’s because He loves us perfectly, and when we experience that love, we want to love Him back with that same amazing, encompassing love. The thing is, He is perfect, we are not. He is unchanging, we are still changing. So we cannot love Him completely perfectly now, but we want to do our best and give Him what we can, which is ultimately just our heart. So for me, I choose to be a disciple of Christ not because it will increase my value as a person or increase God’s love for me, but because I have felt the Savior’s redeeming, unconditional love. And I want to do all I can to love Him the same way, to return that kind of love to Him. And I believe that the journey of learning to love Him that way will bring me joy.

 

Secondly, think about how you define being a disciple of Jesus Christ. Is discipleship a list of things you do? Or is it more? For me, discipleship is “loving Jesus Christ and relying on Him as I imperfectly strive to follow Him.” I learned from my health crisis a few years ago that if my discipleship and purpose depend on what I can “do,” it is not guaranteed to be lasting in this life. Because mortality is hard, and things change. (Physical health, mental health, capabilities, etc) Heavenly Father understands these limitations and loves us in our brokenness. 

 

As I’ve healed and learned over the past few years, here are 3 things that being a disciple of Christ means to me. I decided to list these three things as things we can “be” rather than things we can “do.” Because even in the lowest points of life when we can’t do what we normally do, we can still choose who we are going to be.

1.     Be Authentic (let go of perfectionism)

2.     Be a Safe Space (Eliminate shame)

3.     Be Kind to Yourself (set gospel-centered goals that encourage you rather than discourage you.) 

 

1.     We can Be Authentic. 

 

I've learned about authenticity through my struggles with perfectionism. There were times I was so focused on the do’s that I lost the “music”, or joy, of the gospel for a while. I was doing things because I was afraid of not doing them instead of doing them to be with the Lord.

I've come to believe that perfectionism is based on a lie: “I don’t need, or shouldn’t need, the Savior.” 

Perfectionism becomes about “do’s” or accomplishments, rather than on who we are and how much God loves us. 

I kept having this visual come to mind while thinking about this talk. Imagine that you are walking along a path carrying a huge bag of burdens on your back. You stagger along, sweating, muscles taught. Eventually, you stop focusing on your burden long enough to realize that the Savior is walking beside you. You glance at Him, and He tells you He can carry the burden for you, that He has already done the work. Now here are two different ideas of how a person could react. 

            -First response: “Lord, you shouldn’t have to carry any more. This is my burden and I should be able to carry it. If I ever want to be like you, I should be able to do what you do. I should be able to do this for myself.” 

            -I got to a point in my life where I thought this was discipleship. Loving Him so much that I should be able to do what He does, and be able to do it now. 

            -Second response: The Lord offers to take your burden, you fall to His feet, laying the burden there, and bathing His feet in your tears. When you can speak, you say, “Thank you, Lord. I need You. I need Your help. Tell me what to do as I follow You.” 

            -Now I believe that this second response is true and lasting discipleship. Our efforts alone (like the first response) won’t last. No matter how hard we try to be exactly like the Savior now, it is impossible, and it is not what the Lord asks us to do. 

I love the footnotes in the scriptures when God commands us to be perfect even as He is. As I’ve studied more on this, I’ve learned that God is asking us to be “whole” or “complete” like He is. He’s given us the way to be whole. And it is Jesus Christ. 

Being whole and complete won’t come from anything we do. It will come from being with the Savior. And discipleship is the way we can be with Him.

One example of how we might see or fall into perfectionism in the church is focusing too much on what we and others do. For example: “I will only date and/or marry a returned missionary.” Or “I will be righteous if I serve a mission that is ‘full time’.” This mindset is all about something someone accomplished and tells little about who someone is striving to be. Eliminating perfectionism might look like changing that to “I will date/marry someone who deeply loves the Lord and who wants to serve Him with me.” Or instead of “I have to serve a mission to be righteous.” “I would like to serve a mission if I’m able. But more importantly, I want to make covenants with the Lord and be with Him however that looks in my life.” 

Changing the mindset in our church culture in this way might invite more of Christ’s love into our church body. Letting go of perfectionism might make church a safer place for people who come home from missions “early” or choose not to go on missions. Because they will know that we know their value is not based on things they do but on who they are as a child of God. And their identity as a child of God is unchanging and warrants unconditional love. I think Christ’s church should be a safe space for all of God’s children, because the Savior is a safe space. He invites all to come unto Him, no matter what state they are in or what they have or haven’t done.

Back to authenticity... Instead of trying to be “perfect,” let’s allow ourselves to be authentic human beings. God made you with special and unique gifts and traits. He also knows you are only human right now. Allow yourself to be human, and allow yourself to be the wonderful child of God you already are. 

 

2.     We can be a Safe Space. (Eliminate Shame.)

 

I have learned what safe spaces look like and feel like in my life as I have learned to identify shame and try to eliminate it from my life. Satan introduced shame to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. It’s one of his greatest and oldest tactics. When Adam and Eve transgressed, Satan told them to hide from God.

Unfortunately, shame is so pervasive that it’s even interwoven in some aspects of church culture and definitely in societal culture. (Kind of like the mission example we talked about. The message of shame: You are not good if you didn’t do this thing.) In reality, what we do or don’t do cannot change our worth!!! 

Shame vs. Guilt. I've heard the difference between shame and guilt be explained like this: "Guilt is 'I did something bad.' Shame is 'I am bad.'" I like this explanation and want to take it a bit further. Yes, shame attacks your identity. Guilt does not. While guilt tells us that we did something that wounded our spirit, shame tells us that we are bad or worthless. 

To take this further, shame moves us away from God. Guilt is designed to move us towards God.

In the scriptures and temple, we learn that Satan used shame as one of his first tactics with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. He told Adam and Eve to hide from God. Even though again and again, the Lord asks us to “come unto Him” not to hide from Him. Satan’s tactic with shame is often the same today! Shame tells us to hide from God. Shame is never helpful and is not from God. On the other hand, guilt is like feeling a spiritual wound. It’s a feeling that tells us “Go to God. He can help.” 

I had an experience with my daughter recently that taught me about shame and how we can create a safe space by eliminating shame. My daughter Emily is an excellent climber. Generally, parents put things on high shelves that they want to keep away from their children (things like medicine, delicate items, etc). In our house, putting something on a high shelf just gives Emily an extra fun challenge. She’s a problem solver. And rather than ask for help, she knows she can climb any cabinet or shelf to get what she wants at the top. For a while now, I’ve reacted strongly to this behavior. When I have caught her at the top shelf grabbing cereal or vitamins, I’ve been so terrified that I’ve shouted, “Emily! Get down from there! What are you doing?” Interestingly enough, after doing this several times, Emily did not stop climbing shelves but instead started to hide the behavior from me. When a box of cereal spilled from the top shelf because she had tried to climb and grab it, she came to me and said, “Mom, the cereal jiggled and fell off the shelf by itself.” She's young, so she doesn't realize that that explanation defies all the laws of physics.

I realized that she was learning to lie to me (or to hide her behavior from me) because of my strong and harsh reactions to her. She was afraid of coming to me and telling me the truth when she made a mistake (like spilling cereal everywhere). I promised her that if she would tell me the truth, I would do my very best not to yell at her or talk loudly anymore. Since then, I’ve gotten better at saying “Thanks for telling me the truth, Emily. I love you.” And more and more she comes to me and asks for help or tells me the truth instead of hiding. When I am soft, kind, and gentle, she tells me the truth and feels safe with me. 

Heavenly Father is this way with us. Never once, no matter what terrible thing I’ve done, have I come to Heavenly Father and had him say, “How could you? What’s wrong with you? Why would you do this to me?” (This is a voice of shame.) Instead He responds gently with an increase of love. “Thank you for coming to me. I love you. I’m here to help.” 

Shame does not change behavior. Unconditional love and the Savior can change behaviors. 

We can let go of “shoulds” and lovingly embracing where we and others are at. I learned from an Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student that she considers “should” to be practically a curse word. We’re learning to eliminate it from how we talk to ourselves and each other in our home. (example: writing this talk. “I should fast, I should go to the temple, I should prepare in a quiet, sacred place.” Reality: “I have a sick baby on my lap and my kids are watching cartoons right next to me so I can prepare this talk. And that’s okay. I’m being a disciple of Christ by doing my best.”)

Letting go of "shoulds" includes letting go of what you can’t control, which includes “feeling the Spirit.” We can’t control how we feel or experience things. We can only control our actions and who we choose to be. I've had to learn this because at times I am unable to feel the Spirit due to my mental illness. I'm learning to be a disciple of Christ even when I don’t “feel it.”

You don’t need to scare or shame yourself into being “good.” You are here! You love the Lord! You are doing what you need to do already. So allow yourself to be a safe space for yourself and others by treating yourself and others with kindness and mercy. Choose now to stop shaming yourself and instead encourage and love yourself. 

 

3.     We can be Kind to Ourselves. 

 

I intentionally chose not to say “Be Joyful.” We often talk about being joyful in the church. We have the restored gospel! We have eternal truths and covenants! So we often think "He's given us all of that. We have no right to not be happy. We should be joyful all the time." (The bad word! "should"!) Though I do believe the gospel of Jesus Christ offers lasting and eternal joy, the truth is that we don’t have control over how we feel or which emotions we experience here in mortality! 

We don’t have control over whether a day feels good or bad, whether we wake up feeling excited and positive or depleted and discouraged. But we do have control over how we treat ourselves and others. 

What if, even on the bad days, we allowed ourselves to feel whatever feelings came (like disappointment or frustration), yet still treated ourselves with unconditional kindness. What we feel isn’t a reflection of who we are (whether we are good or bad). Feeling bad doesn't mean you are bad. Feeling is just part of being a human. And all feelings are acceptable and valid.

Example: when we pray and we feel Heavenly Father say, “Thank you for being here,” not “I don’t want your negativity!” 

This goes along with what we’ve already talked about. Being authentic, not expecting perfection, being a safe space for ourselves and others by eliminating shame–these are ways we can be kind to ourselves. But one more thing about being kind to ourselves:

What if we set gospel-centered goals that encouraged and inspired us instead of discouraged us?  What if our goals were so simple and doable that we set ourselves up for success and encouragement?

My experience with family scripture study and “Come Follow Me”: By the time “Come Follow Me” came out, I was deep into perfectionism. Instead of being excited for a new resource and study guide, I felt “Great, another way for me to fail the Lord and disappoint Him.” How sad! This feeling was evidence of shame and perfectionism in my life. 

For a while, I remained paralyzed by the fear of failure. I imagined having family gatherings where our children sat quietly on the couch and listened as we read the scriptures, then contributed to meaningful discussions–and didn't fight or jump or do anything kid-ish. Oh, and there would be child-friendly activities which I had preplanned and prepared. And freshly baked cookies. It would be "perfect." And impossible. 

When my husband and I were finally able to let go of the “should” mindset (We should be able to keep our three tiny kids sitting peacefully and quietly on the couch while we read scriptures for half an hour with meaningful discussion and cute hand-prepared activities for the kids and fresh cookies), we had an idea.

Instead of baking cookies and preparing crafts that our kids would destroy, we printed a verse of scripture, slapped it on the wall with some scotch tape, and read the same scripture with the kids every night for a month!

It was a simple but achievable goal for us for family scripture study. And letting go of my shame around not being able to “do it all” allowed me to find joy in doing this simple thing with my kids each day.

Our goal wasn’t to memorize. Just to read a scripture together as a family each day. And putting it on the wall made it easier for us. 

The result: Our kids have each memorized 5+ versus of scripture! This was unintentional, and I consider it a miracle. This is the way the Lord works. We give what we can do, even if it feels like a widow’s mite. We do something small, not knowing what the result will be, but having faith that even if it's small, it can make a difference. And the Lord makes that effort into something beautiful, no matter how small or simple our offering is. He doesn’t expect perfection. He just wants us to be with Him and experience Him in our lives. 

 

 

I know that God loves us. Every single one of us. We cannot earn His love. His love simply exists because He created us and we are His. We can let go of the idea of earning our worth or earning His love and instead enjoy the unconditional love He offers us each day. We can be disciples of Christ by being with Him. Doing good things can help us to be with Him, but what we do doesn't earn us more love or more value. Being with Jesus–not trying to make ourselves perfect by accomplishing lists of to-do's–is what will eventually allow us to be whole and have everlasting joy with Him.

It's a monster.

 OCD

It's intense fear. You're always running from it, knowing it could catch you as soon as you stop.

I published a book this past week. It's the best book I've written so far. But it doesn't matter. No matter how perfect the grammar is, how compelling the story is, how inspiring the message is... it still isn't enough. My OCD lied to me. It said that I would feel better once I finished. (It said that with my previous books too.) It compelled me to work long, exhausting hours. (Even after the inspiration and flow wore off.) I recorded the message, wrote the story, felt inspired. It wasn't enough. OCD said I couldn't stop until it was finished. "When it's done, you will feel better," the monster lied.

It's never satisfied. I publish the book. It is received with loving and open arms by friends and family. It receives wonderful reviews, humbling praise. 

But my monster isn't satisfied. In fact, it keeps me so busy that I don't have a moment alone with God and my book to appreciate the accomplishment, the miracle that it is. 

Nope, because the OCD says "get back to work. This book is worthless unless you write another." So I write. I brainstorm. I create. And somewhere in the rush, the magic of creating something new is replaced with a frenzied need to find acceptance and peace. So I continue with my compulsions, writing new books and checking social media, hoping for outside approval. Because my inside won't give me the approval that I crave.

Do I feel guilty when I spend hours each day checking social media, checking Amazon, checking my publishing site, while my kids ask for my attention. 

Of course.

And my OCD jumps at the opportunity. "You won't be a good mom until...you spend more time, give them EVERYTHING they need, go outside more, attend more social events with them, clean the house (AGAIN)."

if I start to recognize the monster for what it is, accepting that I am a good mother, it has plenty of other fuel. 

"You won't be a good author until...

You won't make up for not graduating from college until...

You won't be a good friend until..."

It's endless. 

Obsessive compulsive disorder CAN. NOT. be satisfied.

And then I remember that I've been neglecting my ERP practice. The one therapy practice that has been proven to help with OCD.

I've been telling myself that I don't need it. After all, it's such a simple thing.

In reality, I'm terrified. My internal defense system will do anything to avoid ERP. 

It's painful. It's choosing to face my fears. It's choosing to expose my weakness, embrace the fear, and then sit with it as my heart beats fast and my head spins. My body and all my survival instincts scream "get me out of here!"

But it's the only way. 

No amount of talk therapy will cure my OCD. No amount of rumination or analyzing. In fact, those things will feed my monster. The monster will ALWAYS demand more. It cannot be satisfied. 

There are hard moments. There are hard weeks. There are hard months and years. 

This one has been a hard week. (The week or so after publishing always is... and it's sad when I stop long enough to think about it. Stopping that long is painful though, so it doesn't happen often.) I wish I could feel excited, accomplished, pleased. But excitement is dangerous. It has been for the last several years. Excitement quickly turns to anxiety. And anxiety quickly turns to OCD. I try to avoid things that excite me. (Avoidance... Oh dear, another compulsion.)

But there are happy moments. My OCD distracts me from them.

But I can be merciful to myself and chose to live in the moment. Choose to embrace the next happy moment. I can allow myself to mourn the losses in my life. The loss of time. The loss of moments and memories that OCD has consumed. 

Things will get better, but it's okay that it doesn't feel that way. 

Pure O Voices: Invisible Battles

"Pure O is a form of OCD marked by intrusive, unwanted, and uncontrollable thoughts (or obsessions). While someone experiencing Pure O may not engage in obvious behaviors related to their intrusive thoughts, such as counting, arranging, or hand-washing, the disorder is instead accompanied by hidden mental rituals."

https://www.verywellmind.com/pure-o-primarily-obsessional-ocd-4159144

The Struggles:

I like to talk about my surface level obsessions, like the time I obsessed about hedgehogs for about 5 days straight, day and night. Or worse, the time I couldn't stop obsessing about snakes for 3 weeks (now I have nightmares about snakes). Because even though it's vulnerable, it's a lot less vulnerable than other distressing parts of OCD.

 Sometimes I just feel like a worthless piece of baloney. 

I need to repent. I don't deserve friends. I'm not enough for God. 

I think everyone knows what it feels like to be physically sick. But being mentally sick is hard to put into words. 

It's those days that you feel like you don't deserve friends. Because you wake up from disturbing dreams and have disturbing thoughts during the day. OCD makes you feel like you just have to avoid all people. But avoiding people makes it worse. The thoughts tell me that I'm not good enough or clean enough to be with my friends. No matter how joyful and grateful you are in your marriage, SO OCD and ROCD tell you "Well, what if you cheat?" and so you want to avoid people to make sure that doesn't happen. You overanalyze all of your interactions with people, because your relationship is too important to let any hint of unfaithfulness enter your life. 

OCD targets the things that are most important to you and then corrupts them. And it's hard to brush those thoughts and feelings off. Even though you know they're baloney 

It's those days you reach for your scriptures (which used to be the greatest source of comfort in your life), but then cringe inside before you even touch them, and feel "I'm not ready today." 

Religious OCD makes you feel so weak. Like your attempts to connect with God are so insignificant. And then the feelings of inadequacy and guilt become associated with living your faith, and it gets harder to enjoy the things you once enjoyed about worship. 

Religious OCD is cringing inside when someone talks about a conference talk/spiritual message they read (Why am I cringing?? I love conference talks!) because you feel guilty for not having read the same talk. 

Religious OCD is walking to your Sunday school class, standing in the doorway, then walking away because the guilty feelings are already starting to creep up inside you and twist your stomach into a knot. 

Religious OCD is hearing people say, "I'm so excited for the temples (one of our most special places of worship) to open up again (after COVID-19 had them closed)" and feeling terrible for not having felt the same way. Hearing "Hopefully the temples will be opening soon." and feeling guilt wash over me that I'll never be able to go to the temple enough. (I used to go to the temple every single week just because I loved it so much! But now thinking about going inside causes anxiety.) 

Religious OCD is preferring to sit to pray instead of kneel to pray. Because every time my knees hit the ground, a kid asks for help. And then feeling guilty for not kneeling. 

The Lessons:

Struggling with HOCD and ROCD has taught me that I can talk to my husband about anything, and he will love me unconditionally. And as soon as I'm able to get the fears out in the open with him, a sense of safety and peace wrap around me, and I know that things will be okay. I feel closer to him, safer with him, and am increasingly more grateful for my marriage and my sweet husband. 

Struggling with HOCD has taught me that I need friends. 

"Wherefore by their ^afruits ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20, the Bible 

Instead of ruminating about things (like thinking I need to avoid people), I can move forward with faith and experience things. Like being with friends. Then I feel the goodness of being there with them, and I am reassured that everything is okay.

Struggling with Religious OCD (Scrupulosity) has taught me so much! Since understanding and learning about Religious OCD, I have found that I am able to enjoy my faith once again. 

I am learning to extend mercy to myself. 

Somedays I know that I'm not ready to read the scriptures, but the Lord tells me in my heart "That's okay, Daughter. Maybe today you can just think of Me." (In our church, there is a lot of emphasis on studying scripture. It is an important daily ritual for us.) Or somedays I'm feeling up for a little more, and He tells me, "Maybe today you can just hold the scriptures in your hands while you think of your favorite verse." And when I do those little, tiny, seemingly-insignifacnt things, I feel an outpouring of His love. And I am blown away by His mercy, grace, and GOODNESS. I stand amazed that He loves me and blesses me, even when I am so weak and incapable. He makes me strong. He fills me with joy and gratitude, meaning and purpose. 

My Lord redeems me from all things difficult, whether my fault or not. 

Religious OCD has taught me to come to know the Lord on a deeper level. To trust Him on a deeper level. To let Him prevail in my life more fully.

The Lord loves broken things. 

Because the cracks give space for His light to fill us. 

And being filled by Him feels better than being filled by anything else. 

I'm so grateful for the chance to learn about Him. To experience Him in a way that is deeply personal and significant. 

I think it is beautiful that every single one of us has a completely unique life and personality. And that He desires to be our personal Teacher. He teaches us in ways that no one else can. He can make every unfair thing into something that will bless our lives. I can't say enough about Him. 

* I like to share my experiences because there are many people who are deeply affected and deeply suffering because their OCD struggles are so intense and too difficult to share. My heart aches for those who struggle more than I do. My struggles are hard, but I can't begin to imagine the depth of pain and loneliness that some OCD strugglers experience. I hope to bring awareness to their situations (as well as to everyone who struggles in anyway).