I never could have predicted, guessed, or even hoped for what my mission turned out to be. I now know with certainty that all of the cliches I had heard a thousand times before ("It was the best 18 months of my life," "My mission changed me," "There is nothing like the mission," "It is the hardest but most worthwhile thing I have ever done," "the Lord doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called," etc, etc, etc) are true!
It is hard to know how to put those 18 (-19) months into words. But during the last transfer of my mission, while in Santarém, Brazil (a city and people that hold a special place in my heart), I was asked to do exactly that! To put my mission into words- actually, one word! What a hard thing to do. But after pondering and reflecting, the word came:
GRATIDÃO
(or "Gratitude")
I remember distinctly the night before I left for my mission. I remember kneeling alone in a room by my bed. I remember reflecting on my reasons for wanting to serve a mission, and pondering my greatest desires as a future-missionary. In this moment, I felt that wonderful and familiar feeling fill the room- a warmth, a comfort, something enlivening and enlightening. But this time the heaven-sent message did not bring simple comfort or peace, but a deep feeling of gratitude. I had always loved my Savior and treasured the doctrine of the Atonement. But I remember that in that moment, I felt a deeper gratitude, appreciation, and understanding for the Atonement than I had felt before. I remember feeling a desire deep within me take root, and this desire became my greatest goal for my time as a full-time missionary. That goal: To give back to my Savior. To express my gratitude. To give ALL of me- to give every possible part of me I could- to Him! The next morning my parents drove me to the airport and the journey began.
My mission, as I said, was more than I could have hoped for or dreamed of.
It was full of unexpected twists and turns, trying experiences, times I recognized how desperately I needed the Lord's help and how inadequate I truly am as one of His servants. There were feelings of the deepest sorrows I have yet experienced, followed by the greatest joys I have yet experienced. There were times of confusion and lack of understanding, times to learn how to trust in the Lord, and times when I began to see the pieces of His beautiful masterpiece unfold in my life. Through everything, there was refining. I am forever grateful for my Refiner. Not only has He refined me, but He has literally given me the strength and support to survive the refining fire!
At the end of my mission, as I reflected on all of these experiences- pondering, praying, searching- I found myself again overtaken by that immense sense of gratitude.
And I found myself again reflecting on these verses of the Book of Mormon, from King Benjamin's address in Mosiah chapter 2:
20 I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another—
21 I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.
22 And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you.
23 And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him.
24 And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?
25 And now I ask, can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay. Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth; yet ye were created of the dust of the earth; but behold, it belongeth to him who created you.
These words describe the feelings I experienced at the end of my mission that I was unable to describe myself. Looking back on the past 19 months, searching for one word to describe what I had learned and experienced, I recognized that although I had given my all -my very best, my best efforts, my attempts at perfection- that I still hadn't managed to adequately give back to the Savior as I had wanted so desperately to do for the past 19 months, beginning that night before leaving for my mission. And in return for my imperfect, broken sacrifice, He had blessed me more than I ever could have imagined possible. And there I was (and here I am) again, indebted to Him. And when we find ourselves in that situation (which we are always in! Sometimes we finally just have eyes and hearts open enough to actually recognize the reality of the situation!), I believe that the answer lies in gratitude. There is NO POSSIBLE WAY for us to fully pay back our Savior, but we can always be grateful.
As President Scisci spent those precious moments with me in my departing interview, he asked why I had chosen the word "gratidão." I tried my best to explain. He told me that when they ask missionaries to chose that one word to summarize their missions, it is in hopes that the missionary will always remember that word and apply it to the rest of their lives.
I hope to always be filled with gratitude.
I have been home now for almost 2 months! I returned home on April 4, 2015.
And I have now learned that the happiness that seems to increase every single day on the mission does not suddenly disapear or lessen after the mission! It continues to increase! The miracles that a missionary once saw daily, hourly, and even minute-ly throughout their mission also do not suddenly cease! They also continue daily, hourly, minute-ly.
In the great Texas San Antonio Mission, my companions and I had the theme "milagros cada dia." ("Miracles every day.") Those miracles are still happening in my life- every day.
What a blessing to be alive. What a gift to have the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ in this life! What a blessing to have an endlessly loving Heavenly Father- who is patient beyond my understanding of patience. What a blessing that we have a Brother who loved (and loves) us enough to have been the sacrifice for our sin, so that we can one day find perfect and eternal joy with him, with our Father, and with our families. What a blessing to have family. I couldn't have been more blessed when it comes to family.
It is my first term here at BYU (in Provo, Utah). I couldn't feel happier. I love this place, the experiences I am having, and especially the people who surround me. It's a great time to feel grateful.
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