Facing Fears

I feel like it's time to face my fears. To accept that I actually have them, and to finally realize that that's ok! My fears and insecurities are what make me reliant on the Lord and motivate me to draw nearer to Him. To RELY on Him.

Se here are some of my fears....

I'm afraid to try to invest myself in my scripture study and gospel learning more deeply. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to study as deeply and meaningfully and feel as satisfied as I did when I was younger and had more free time. Like in my high school years. I fear that I've become less spiritually sensitive because I don't have hours of study and pondering time anymore. I worry that my time spent coming closer to Christ by studying His teachings has been replaced with sleepily staring at the pages of open scriptures, while thinking about things I should be getting done.

I'm afraid to invest myself in my education. I'm afraid that I'll never finish, that it will be too hard and take too long. And that I will be a mediocre mom while I'm focusing on textbooks and essays to write. I fear that people will judge me if I don't finish, and that others will judge me if I do.

I'm afraid of losing myself in service to my family for fear that I'll never actually find myself like Jesus promised we would in the scriptures. I worry that I'll become an empty shell who can clean and cook, but who doesn't remember how to be silly and have fun, or who doesn't remember the talents and gifts people used to compliment her for.


But, I know these fears are lies. Maybe they would become realities IF there were no Christ. But Jesus Christ lives! He is real!

Faith in Him replaces fears like these with hope, joy, and miracles that we never could have expected or hoped for if there were no Jesus Christ! Faith in Christ can replace my fear of not having enough time for meaningful scripture study with the joy and surprise of reading a quick and simple verse of scripture in a spare moment that unexpectedly touches my heart deeply and fills my soul with peace and  the resolution to be a more loving mother. Faith in Jesus Christ can turn my fear of never graduating into the diligence and focus that will not only help me graduate, but fill my whole life with an excitement for learning. Faith in Jesus Christ can turn the fear of permanently losing myself, into the sweet reassurance that God wants me to be a mother not so that I can become someone else, but so that I can become the best me and use my unique talents and attributes to bless the lives of my children.

The beautiful thing about these little fears and insecurities I have, is that they drive me to come closer to the Savior. They inspire me to let Him replace my fears with hope and faith in Him! They motivate me to keep strengthening my faith in Christ until it is rock solid and no more fears can sneak through the cracks.

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." -Helaman 5: 12 (The Book of Mormon)

Let's change from fear...

To faith!

Welcome, little Eli!

WELCOME, ELI! We love you SO much!

Our little Eli was born September 29th, at 8:17pm. He weighed 7 pounds and 12 ounces, and was 20.5 inches long. Along with the day I was married in the temple to my best friend in the whole wide world, Eli's birthday was the best day and most incredible experience of my life. I look back on the experience with so many emotions and feelings of gratitude. 

Eli was born in a birth center, with the help of some incredible midwives and an incredible doula, and especially my incredible husband. I'm so grateful for all of them. I've loved my experience with Birthing Your Way (check out http://birthingyourway.com/ ) and am so grateful we decided to hire our wonderful doula (check out http://tummylovecbe.com/ ). I also really loved being able to have a water birth. 

Here is Seth holding Eli in front of the tub where he was born:

I was only in the tub for maybe 15-20 minutes before he was born. My favorite part of the whole experience was being able to reach down and help guide him into the world! The midwife told me to put my hand on him and help guide him out. It was so incredible, and before I knew it, he was here and I was holding him on my chest. I got to hold him like that for a while, and when his umbilical cord stopped pulsing, the cord was cut and it was his daddy's turn to hold him! I really loved how nothing about the experience was rushed. We got to sit together with our new baby for hours as the midwives took care of paperwork, foot printing, giving us some instructions for when we got home, etc.

My mom and sister were able to come to the birth center sometime around 11:30pm or midnight. They helped us pack up our stuff and head home! My sister was in the back of our car sitting next to Eli in his car seat. I asked her to take a picture of him for me, and then I turned on the light in the car. As soon as I turned the light on, we got this super sad face!! So sorry, little Eli!

We took a family photo once we got home. I AM SO BLESSED! I love these two guys more than I can ever say!

Eli and his cousin who is 5 weeks older than him got to meet for the first time! I love how they are looking at each other with funny faces and squinty eyes.

 Eli and I went out for a little walk for the first time yesterday. He kept looking up at the sky and the sunlight all around him. And then he dozed off into a peaceful sleep.

I have learned so much through the experience of birth and of being a mother already! I know there is so much more for me to learn, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I feel eternally blessed to be Eli's mother. I've had many many thoughts through these experiences so far, but a few that have particularly stood out to me are these:

• Birth is miraculous! But I think our society makes it out to be scary and terrifying. This is something I thought about a lot in preparation for a natural childbirth. I tried very hard to shift my perspective, so that I looked forward to birth, instead of fearing it. I tried to deeply internalize that it was going to be an amazing experience, not an awful one (like the stories we so often hear make it out to be). Now after experiencing it, I can really testify that having a positive perspective and being relaxed make a difference! I really believe that birth is a natural process. Our bodies were made to do this and our bodies know what they are doing. I think however a mother chooses to give birth is wonderful, and I think she's amazing for doing it. And I really think that whatever way a mother chooses to give birth, it will really help her to go into it knowing that birth is a natural process and that her body is amazing and knows what it's doing. Over and over again during Eli's birth, I realized that I had two mental paths ahead of me. I could choose to let myself be afraid and then have the fear take over, or I could choose to relax and trust in God and myself a little more. As I asked God for help to have a little more faith, He did increase my faith, and He helped me to feel relaxed and at peace, even when the experience was intense and new to me. God made our bodies to do incredible things! After Eli's birth, I feel even more grateful for my body than ever before. I have more trust in my body and also know that the Lord will give me strength beyond my own when He asks me to do hard things. And looking at Eli and seeing his perfect little eyes, nose, mouth, and body fills me with wonder at God's power to create! What a miracle that He lets us play a part in His creating.

• I'm starting to understand what "a mother's heart" is. I have often heard leaders of the church talk about having a mother's heart, and how you do not need to have your own children in order to have a mother's heart. I thought I understood this, until the day after Eli was born. Even though I physically became a mother on September 29th, I think I spiritually became a mother on the night of September 30th (or maybe it was October 1st... it was sometime in the wee hours of the night/morning). After Eli was born, of course I loved him and was excited and exhausted and on an adrenaline high all at the same time, but really everything was so new and I couldn't possibly soak it all in right then. It was the night of September 30th when I had woken up to take care of Eli, that I think I received a mother's heart. I was still feeling weak from the birth, and still felt like I didn't exactly know what I was doing (I definitely still don't know exactly what I'm doing), and as I looked down at little Eli, who needed comforting and nurturing, I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions. The greatest being love. I felt so filled with love, and with a desire to nurture and protect this little boy forever. At the same time I felt totally overwhelmed. How could I nurture and protect him forever if I hardly even had the strength to lift him up to my chest to hold him? But at that moment I was reminded that the love I feel for Eli is only a tiny portion of the love God feels for him. And if God has trusted me to take care of Eli, then God will help me to do it. Something changed in me that night. That experience taught me that "a mother's heart" is a gift from God. He gives mothers a special kind of love that is hard to describe. Now I feel like I can testify that whether or not you have the opportunity to physically bear children, you can be a mother! Because true motherhood isn't so much physical as it is spiritual. And some of the people I know who have the most motherly hearts are those who desire so badly to have a child of their own, but have not yet had the opportunity to physically have a child. To any who have or are struggling with this, I know that in God's eyes, you are a mother. He has, or will, give you a mother's heart if it's your sincere desire. And that is a beautiful gift that will bless the lives of all those you come in contact with.

 Just like when I look at Eli and feel an overwhelming desire to protect and care for him, our Heavenly Father feels this (but much more) for us. It's this love that caused Him to send His Son, Jesus Christ, to Earth for us. Jesus Christ is the key in God's plan to protect, nurture, and care for us. It is through Christ that we are protected from death, sin, and all of the scary things in this world.

I feel so blessed. God works miracles, and His love is far greater than we can imagine or comprehend.

"Happiness Is Homemade"

Several weeks ago, I read a talk by LeGrand R. Curtis. He titled his talk, "Happiness is Homemade." The talk was given in October 1990. I loved that little phrase: "happiness is homemade."

President David O. McKay said, “It is possible to make home a bit of heaven; indeed, I picture heaven to be a continuation of the ideal home.”

Whether in 1990 or today, I know that what these two great disciples of Christ have taught is true! True happiness comes from our family life and especially our family relationships, not from something that the world can offer us (fame, popularity, recognition, wealth, luxury).

"Perhaps the best gift parents can give their children is to love each other, to enjoy each other, and even to hold hands and demonstrate their love by the manner in which they talk to each other." -LeGrand R. Curtis

Here are some picture quotes my husband has made for me that I think tie into this topic very well. Some ways we can create our true happiness:







So much peace and joy come from investing ourselves in our family relationships.

Something I heard in my Family Finance class a few semesters ago that I really liked was that money and attention have something in common: that is that you can only put them in one place at a time. We can only put each dollar (or penny) in one place at a time. We can only truly give our attention or time to one thing at a time.

If this is true, then analyzing where we are putting our money, time, and attention, can help us see where our priorities lie, and what we really value!

The speaker who shared this is a financial adviser. Often he will ask the person or couple what they really value in life. Then he will help them analyze their spending. Maybe they say that what they value most is their family, but their actual spending shows that they really value convenience and use most of their money on getting things they want quickly and easily, leaving their family in a hard financial position. Maybe they spend so much money on a new car that they want, that they are working hard to pay off debt, and have little time or energy after work to invest in their family relationships.

I think that investing ourselves fully in our family relationships means that we pay attention to where we invest our time, attention, energy, money, etc. We care about the details of our investments, like whether or not we will invest a little more energy into being patient with a loved one or not, or whether or not we will invest a little more time into talking with a loved one who needs a listening ear.

Anyways, I believe that happiness is homemade!

Here are some happy times from our recent staycation!

BYU library DVDs and Jamba Juice!



Our first attempt at making homemade Chinese Dumplings (gluten-free!)







Not the most beautiful dumplings you've ever seen, but definitely made with love!



A play at the outdoor theater with some dear friends!



Provo City Center temple with wonderful family!



Nickel Arcade! We worked hard to earn enough tickets to buy those two whole sheets of stickers... :D



Taco Tuesday! (I like the focus put into eating that taco)



Feeling so happy



Temple Square!



Ready to watch the new "Meet the Mormons" videos in the Legacy Theater!



Authentic Brazilian food at a cafe!



Fun with cousins!



Attempt #2 at Chinese dumplings: They turned out looking better than the first attempt!



definitely because of the great help we had!









Happiness is homemade! Just like homemade dumplings, family happiness requires (and deserves!) all of our best investments: time, attention, energy, and love!

Building Families Upon Faith in Christ

Faith: "Confidence in something or someone. As most often used in the scriptures, faith is confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that lead a person to obey Him. Faith must be centered in Jesus Christ in order for it to lead a person to salvation." -Guide to the Scriptures

Today it has been 6 months that I have been married to my best friend!

We both agree that it has been the most peaceful and happy 6 months of our lives so far! Recently I've felt a strong desire to express gratitude for the many miracles we have already seen in our life together, and reflecting on this has brought me back to a simple gospel principle: faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. It has been confirmed over and over again to me that a life of peace and joy comes from building our personal life and family life upon faith in Jesus Christ. 

Faith precedes the miracle.

 I am a big believer in miracles. Miracles of all shapes and sizes. But I know that faith does not come from witnessing miracles. But miracles do follow when we exercise faith in Jesus Christ. Because He is the worker of miracles. As we have faith in Him, we allow Him to touch our hearts and lives. And with the Master's touch, our hearts and lives change in ways that are miraculous.

Jesus Christ has worked miracles in my life, and I feel that I can express my gratitude to Him by inviting others to follow Him. To do this, I'd like to share some of my own experiences in which my faith in Christ has lead to witnessing Him work miracles in my life.

When I graduated high school, choosing which college to attend was a challenge. I had three incredible options: BYU (in Utah), BYU (in Idaho), and BYU (in Hawaii)! I knew each option was very good, but I also knew I would have very different experiences depending on which one I went to. I also felt strongly that there were people I needed to meet and that which school I went to would determine the people I met. It was an act of faith for me to decide to go to BYU-Hawaii. I had no idea what it would be like! I had never even been to Hawaii (or that far from home) until Mom and I landed there to drop me off for my first semester. I feel like this was an important first step for me in learning more about faith. 

We learn in the scriptures that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (the Bible, Hebrews 11:1). For me this evidence of things not seen is often a feeling. As I prayed about attending BYU-Hawaii, there was no visible evidence that it was the right thing for me. (Although most people would think that Hawaii is obviously a great choice for anyone:)) I had no way of seeing what would happen when I got there, or what the results of the decision would be. But as I prayed about the decision, I felt a sense of peace. This feeling of peace gave me courage to go forward with my decision. And I remember having the feeling that I would meet someone important at BYU-H.

My husband and I first met at Brigham Young University-Hawaii, during my first semester there! Of all the places, we met in a Chinese 101 class, taught by his dad! Seth and I were both pretty shy, but we got to know each other a little in class, became friends, and I remember feeling really comfortable and peaceful around him. We didn't spend a lot of time together, but just saw each other in class, at church, and occasionally ran into each other around the neighborhood. 

Over my next several semesters at BYU-Hawaii, I met lots of great people, and dated a variety of people too. Seth received his mission call to serve as a full-time missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Korea! 

Meanwhile, I dated someone pretty seriously and actually got engaged. In my mind, it was the perfect path for me. But I kept having this feeling of anxiousness and uncertainty that I couldn't explain. I prayed and prayed, and instead of feeling more peace, I felt less and less peace. As I began to feel less peace, I realized that not everything in my relationship was as ideal as I was telling myself it was, even though he was a great person. But I didn't want to accept that. When I prayed, hoping for a confirmation that what I was doing (planning to get married) was the right thing for me, I instead felt a feeling that said to me, "You can go ahead with it, but this isn't the best path for you." 

This was a turning point in my life. I could go forward with what made sense to me (and what I thought I really, really wanted), or I could follow this feeling I had that I should pursue a different path. It felt to me like following that unknown path would be like taking a plunge into the dark- because I had no idea where it would take me or where I would end up. But I wanted to feel peace again. And no matter how much I thought my current path made sense in my mind and was exactly what I wanted, it did not feel peaceful in my heart. When I finally decided that I would do whatever it took to regain the feeling of peace that I wanted so desperately, even if it meant breaking off my engagement, the feeling of peace returned to me. I felt that the Lord was pleased with the step of faith I was taking. I felt that that step was a step of faith in Him, and was a demonstration to Him that I loved Him more than I loved what I wanted for myself. I didn't know what was ahead of me, but at least I knew Who was leading the way before me, and that filled me with peace. 

Breaking off the engagement was extremely hard. Even though my heart felt peaceful again, there were many days filled with tears, and many nights filled with heartache. 

During that time of heartache after breaking off the engagement, I had thoughts like, "Why did this all have to happen? Why do I always date the wrong guys? Are there any guys out there who truly exemplify those qualities I hope for in a companion? Where are those guys?" As I prayed about this and expressed my discouragement and confusion to my Heavenly Father, a little thought came to mind that said, "What about Seth? He's that kind of guy!" It suddenly hit me that indeed, Seth was that kind of guy! I had always hoped to someday marry a young man who loved the Lord with all His heart, who was gentle and kind, and faithful in living the gospel. It struck me that Seth was that kind of person, and that thought brought me a tremendous amount of comfort. There were young men out there who had those qualities. Even though at that time I had no idea I would end up marrying Seth, I felt a strong desire to write him a letter, just to thank him for his example to me. In a time that I was discouraged, thinking of Seth's example and love for Jesus Christ really encouraged me. 

So I decided to write him a letter! This was another small act of faith that has brought forth great miracles in my life. I am eternally grateful that I trusted in that little answer to prayer ("What about Seth? He's that kind of guy!"), and acted on that feeling to write him a thank you letter.

It was a blessing that his dad was my very favorite teacher at BYU-Hawaii, which made it very possible to get Seth's mission address! I e-mailed his dad, telling him I'd like to write a letter to Seth and asking for the address. Then I wrote a letter to Seth, simply telling him I had gone through a hard time, but that when I remembered Seth's good example I had been comforted, and thanking him for being that example to me. Seth wrote back! 

Before I had gotten engaged, I had been seriously considering serving a full-time mission for the Church. After breaking off the engagement, it became clear to me that serving a mission fit in the Lord's plan for me. As I prayed and considered going on my mission, I felt tremendous peace. I had practically already finished my mission application before getting engaged, so it was an easy process to finish it up and send it off. I received my mission call to the Belem, Brazil Mission. (And later I would be delighted to also serve in the San Antonio, Texas Mission while waiting for my visa to be approved). 

Seth and I continued writing back and forth. Those letters continued throughout my entire mission. Through our letters, we shared our testimonies of the gospel and the experiences we were having on our missions. There were many times on the mission where at the end of a particularly hard and emotionally draining day, a letter from Seth would arrive in the mail. Reading his testimony of Jesus Christ, reading about his experiences, and reading his funny jokes always lifted my spirit. We became the best of friends.

After we both returned from our missions, we both found ourselves at BYU (in Utah) and began dating. By the end of last year, we were married for time and all eternity in the Manti, Utah temple. Every single day, I am grateful for the guidance and direction the Lord gave me in helping me to marry the right person, in the right place, at the right time. I cannot imagine a happier path for me than the one the Lord has guided me to be on. And I cannot imagine being married to a more wonderful man. We truly complement each other, and I know that the Lord knew how happy we would be together, so He helped us to end up together. My marriage to Seth has been one of the greatest miracles in my life, and it's incredible to think that the Lord has brought to pass such a wonderful miracle because I simply tried to have faith in Him in small and big ways (like going to BYU-Hawaii, breaking off an engagement, writing Seth a letter to say thanks, serving a mission, etc). 

One thing that I always really, really liked about Seth (even from when I first met him at BYU-Hawaii) is his love for family. Aside from Jesus Christ, he loves family more than anything! 

Seth and I both grew up in incredible families. We were blessed with loving and kind parents (who taught us how to follow Jesus Christ), and with awesome siblings. 

Growing up, we both always knew we wanted to have a family and that that was very important to us. During our dating, we learned that we both had strong desires to begin a family shortly after marriage. It was a desire we had both already had for a long time. 

We weren't really sure how everything would work out. Getting married can deplete a person's savings! And we knew we wanted to be responsible in our decision making. We wanted to be able to support our family and be financially independent. We decided we would do our very best, and trust that the Lord would continue to guide us. 

It wasn't long after getting married that we felt it was the right time to invite a child into our family. At that time, we had a lot of questions. Questions about finances, our preparedness, and how things would come together. But as we prayed, we continued to feel a great sense of peace about starting our family. In the Bible and Book of Mormon, we learn that if we keep His commandments, the Lord will provide for us and bless us. We both believed this was true, and felt the Lord would guide us and take care of us if we did what He asked us to do.

As soon as we made the decision to take a step of faith and welcome a child into our family, the miracles quickly followed!  

Our first shopping trip together, we ran into a friend of Seth's who he grew up with as a kid, but hadn't seen in many many years. We talked with him, told him we had just gotten married, and it was fun to visit with him. We saw him several times throughout the grocery store. By the time we were checking out, he had just finished checking out too. To our surprise, he wheeled his full cart of paid-for groceries over to us, left it next to me, and while walking out of the store with only one or two bags in his hand, said, "This is for you guys! Congratulations on getting married!" 

We were so touched, we both felt like we might cry. We both had the same deep impression that this was a sign from the Lord- He was telling us that He would provide for our family, just like He had promised.

Several weeks later, we found out that we were expecting a baby! 

That experience at the grocery store was only the first of a chain of miracles that has continued every day of our marriage. Miracles have come in the forms of great job opportunities, scholarships, help with doing well in school, gifts people have given to us, joy and peace in our marriage, and so many other ways! We started out full of faith but without knowing the details of how things would work out, and every day it becomes clearer and clearer to us that the Lord is happy with our decision and is working out the details for us. We have been so blessed and are eternally grateful for Jesus Christ. 

I know without a doubt that it is upon faith in Jesus Christ that we can build happy families. That means that sometimes we will have to do things that don't completely make sense to us, but that we feel are right. It means that we have to continue our whole lives to do our best to follow Jesus Christ, and to follow the guidance He gives us. It also means having a life that is filled with joy and peace. And filled with miracles. Because miracles follow faith in Christ. And Jesus Christ LOVES us and our families.

We are so excited to meet our baby boy around October 3rd!

I invite both you and me to trust a little more in Jesus Christ, and to follow Him in faith.