A Metamorphosis and Lessons Being Learned

This past semester has been one of intense and deep learning for me. When I say semester, it's not because I'm in school, but because my husband is in school- and thus my life is also segmented into semesters. My husband's classes have been difficult, as engineering classes always are, but they haven't been his very very most challenging classes. Yet it has been probably the hardest semester for us. I think mostly because it has been a really important time in my life- a time of metamorphosis. A time that I close one door behind me and open another door in front of me. And learn to do it with joy, gladness, and gratitude, and without remorse, resentment, discouragement, and depression. A time to learn what it really means to be a mother and homemaker. And a time to develop deeper more passionate feelings towards those titles than I have ever done before.

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts, but I hope that I can put into words some of the things I have learned these past several months, as well as the experiences that have helped me to learn them.

One of the posts I made towards the beginning of this journey was about learning to be selfless as a mom, without entirely forgetting who God made me to be, and without forgetting my unique personality and talents. Click here to see the post. It was an epiphany for me that as a mom, I can schedule time for myself to recharge! And that my personality and interests are an important part of my identity. I have since learned more lessons that have blessed me greatly.

I have learned that scheduled time for myself helps me recharge and be a better wife and mom.

I have learned that igniting passion in one area of my life can help me to spread that passion to other areas of my life. Meeting Sarah Chapman and reading her book MindStrength taught me that succeeding in one area of life (that we are likely to succeed in) can help us find strength, courage, and confidence to make changes and succeed in other areas of our life too. For example, meeting a goal to simply go to the gym 3 times a week, then 5 times a week, then becoming a kettlebell trainer, helped Sarah to take initiative and have confidence in changing her family relationships, and to become a more true version of herself. Similarly, I gained confidence in myself as I saw improvement in my horseback riding each lesson. This confidence helped me become more confident in my interactions with other people, with my children, and also helped me in my marriage to feel like a more true and confident version of myself.

I have learned that there are necessity me times and there are treat me times. When I first started horseback riding lessons, I felt like it was a lifeline of sorts. I was so self conscious and felt so vulnerable when I would go to the stable. I worried what people thought of me, whether I was interesting to get to know, and about countless other things. It was one of the most vulnerable things I have done in a while. It sounds silly, but I had been in full blown mommy mode for the past 2 years, and hadn't gotten out of the house to do something like that in a long time. The horseback riding has been a big blessing to me. It helped me find confidence in myself again. In some ways it helped me dig down and find my identity again. It helped me remember that I am an excited, passionate person, with lots of dreams. Working with horses helped me get through a couple of really hard months.

However, after learning many of the things I have recently learned, I have gotten to a point that now I feel the lessons are simply a treat. I enjoy them very much, but the idea of letting go of them to save money doesn't devastate me in any way. A few months ago, the thought of stopping lessons made me feel like I was about to burry myself under a dump truck load of dirt and forget the confidence and excitement that were just barely beginning to bloom inside of me. The confidence that was blooming was just barley sprouting and was very vulnerable and delicate. Now I feel that I have turned into a stronger person, and I am excited and ready to move on and let the riding lessons go for the time being. I'm not saying in any way that once a mom (or any person) feels emotionally and mentally healthy that they should give up hobbies and time for themselves! no way! Scheduled time for ourself is important to maintain our health and to be our best self! But I do believe that the essential "me" time for me is taking time to do something like reading, walking, running, going to the library, blogging, going shopping, learning a language, or studying my online course. And that the expensive hobbies are more of a treat. Everyone is different, and I don't believe we can determine what is essential and what is a treat for someone else. But I'm learning to differentiate those things for myself. And I'm also learning that different times of life, with different situations, require different things.

I've learned that where your treasure lies, there will your heart lie also. This principle was put into words for me in this article. It struck me deeply that I always want my treasure to be my family. I want my heart and my treasure to be at home. I found that as I got more and more excited about my own hobbies, my thoughts and fantasies began wandering to horseback riding competitions, living on a big plot of land and having horses roam around, teaching my kids to ride horses. I don't believe that any of these dreams are unrighteous or unachievable. But they are not my present life. And it's not possible for them to be my present life, without some kind of wild and intense sacrifice, like taking out a huge mortgage, spending days and days and days and weeks away from my family. What struck me most was that dreaming about these things took my mind away from being present with my kids. They could be right next to me, wanting my love and affection, and if my mind was wandering far far from home, I missed the opportunity to bask in their loving gaze, their wet kisses, and their little hugs and cuddles. I don't want to miss out on my children's love, friendship, playtime, etc. I don't mean to say that no moms should spend time away from home. But I do think it's important to recognize where our heart and desires lie. Because that is where our treasure lies too. For some moms, they need to work and go to school, or do other time consuming things. But they long to be home. They long to have time with their family. Their treasure is their family. In the case of dreaming about another world- a world where I can do whatever I want- that doesn't draw me closer to my family, and it also doesn't make me happier. I know now more than ever before that nothing in this world can make me happier than following Jesus Christ and nurturing my relationships with my husband and children. They are my treasure!

Another lesson: harmonious passion.
This is a lesson my husband learned in a class and shared with me. There is such a thing as inhibited passion, as well as obsessive passion. Harmonious is the beautiful in-between. It is the "bridled" passion, I would say. (Bridling passion is also a concept I have thought a lot about- especially with it's inherent analogy with horses. I'll talk about that next.) Inhibited passion is when we try to bury feelings of passion. Perhaps this is what I felt when I was dealing with depressing feelings and resentment towards housework. I felt that for the past several years, I had been burying my personal passions. I had served a mission, had children, gone through the new baby months and years. These were all things I was passionate about. But I felt that part of me- the passionate excited Erica who loved doing unconventional things like playing the tuba, riding horses, and learning as many foreign languages as possible- had been buried and lost. And for no reason except that I hadn't recognized my need for scheduled me time. Inhibiting passions is very different than bridling passions, because it isn't the healthy way to deal with passions. Even unhealthy passions- like sexual passions outside of marriage, rather than being simply pent up, can be bridled and directed into something good- like passion to get life in order and work towards a happy marriage someday, or expressing oneself through talents. Obsessive passion is the kind of passion that drives you to do more and more and more, beyond what is well balanced and even beyond what brings you true happiness. Harmonious passion is the beautiful balance where joy and progress bloom and flourish. When you are able to express your passion, and guide it (bridle it) in the right direction, the excitement and joy you feel begins to enlighten other areas of your life as well! Feeling passionate about a song you are listening to can make you feel excited about doing house work, and make you feel passionate about your spouse. Having a passionate relationship in marriage can make you more excited about being a mom, more energetic about doing your school work, and more creative in your hobbies.


Bridled passion. This is something I've thought about a lot since working with horses, and especially since attending an Andrea Bocelli Concert with my husband. Seeing the passion that Andrea Bocelli sang with made me feel very deeply that passion is an important part of life. If we buried all our passions, then art, music, children, talents, productivity, inspiration, invention, progression, math, science, faith, etc, etc, etc wouldn't exist or at least wouldn't thrive. This brings me to the horse analogy.

Here the horse represents our passion, the rider represents us, and the bridle represents bridling our passions. What is the purpose of a bridle? It's used for a rider to communicate with their horse. After doing research, I learned that the bit (the metal piece that goes inside of the horse's mouth) actually causes discomfort for the horse, encouraging the horse to move away from uncomfortable pressure and do as the rider asks. If a rider continuously uses harsh pressure on the bit, the horse gets used to harsh correction and eventually rebels or becomes less and less sensitive. Similarly, if we use harsh overcorrections to direct our passions, we may struggle to learn how to use them in balance. Or if we use too little pressure and are too timid, the horse won't respond and learn what we are asking. This could be compared to inhibited or obsessive passion. We may not appreciate our passion, and see it as something that is constantly in our way, like the horse that doesn't respond or understand what we are asking. We may wish we didn't have any passions. Or we may become obsessive with our passions, constantly trying new extremes and feeling unsatisfied. On the other hand, many riders choose to respect their horses and strive to communicate clearly through the bit, but then use less and less pressure on the bit until the horse becomes responsive to the lightest touch. Many riders even choose to use a bit-less bridle, removing the painful metal piece from the horse's mouth, but still having the security of a bridle to guide the horse. Beyond that, some riders create such trusting and secure relationships with their horse, that they ride without bit or bridle. Using either nothing at all around the horses head and neck, or a simple rope loosely around the horses neck. These riders can move their body position ever so slightly, as if they were going to turn in a certain direction or speed up or slow down, and the horse responds as if it were an extension of the rider's body. They have created a oneness between rider and horse. I think that is the ultimate goal for us in bridling our passions. Being able to direct our passions- to use them as powerful and responsive motors to move us in the right direction, that can be controlled with the simplest thought or feeling. Then we have the power to gallop, to walk, to stop, to turn, without fear of losing control, but with the glorious driving force that passions bring into our lives.

For an audio and visual demonstration of what passion is, see these videos of Andrea Bocelli songs:
Click here to hear the song "If Only" that I believe demonstrates the beauty of passion for life and  for romantic love, and here "Fall on Me" that expresses passion for trusting family relationships.

Another lesson I've learned came from a wise, loving grandmother. She talked about how in different phases of life, we close a door on the life behind us, and open a door to the life ahead of us. Her example teaches me about being present, grateful, and proactive. I have to say, hearing her words about closing doors was one of the hardest things I've had to hear these past few months. Because it meant I had to stop being selfish. Before becoming a mother, almost everything I have done in my life has been for myself. As a mother, almost everything I do in my life is for others. The image in my mind of a door closing on my past life brought out surprising feelings. But it was exactly what I needed. The reason I struggled so much this semester is because there was a constant battle inside of me. One that longed to be there for my family, to be fully present, fully invested, and another part of me that longed desperately to be cared for by someone else. To be independent. To have the freedom to do whatever I chose, just because I wanted to. To hold onto some kind of self interest. This was a turning point for me. I realized that there really is balance. There is time for me to pursue dreams, hobbies, and interests, but it's so important that my priority is always my family. My kids depend on me! Everything about them is wired to depend on me for the majority of their spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional nurturing. I must never lose sight of the importance and eternal significance of my calling as a mother. I am learning to be more present and more grateful and more joyful in motherhood.

Another lesson (something I have learned as I have reflected on my conversation with this wise grandmother): I can choose to be an agent instead of a victim. Rather than feeling completely overwhelmed and trapped, believing that I have to wait for someone to come save me (usually my husband) from drowning in dishes and having no social interaction, I can act! I can get my baby girl in the high chair with snacks, I can have my 2 year old rinse dishes, and I can get dishes done! I can pack up the kids and go meet up with a friend for a play date! I can pack up the kids and go learn something new at the library. I can choose how to make my days. That is so empowering about being a mom. I get to choose how to live my life every single day! I get to choose to empower and teach my children, and to help them grow into hard working, grateful, resourceful individuals.

I have learned more of what it means to be a homemaker. You know that wonderful feeling of walking into a home where you really feel like you belong? A home filled with memories, experiences, love, warmth, good food, happy sounds, etc. It finally, finally, dawned on me that I have the power to create that home for my own children! I get to choose how it will be! I get to give that beautiful, essential, life-forming gift to them! Homemaking does include housework, but it also includes laughing, teaching, snuggling, reading, and whatever is important to you and your family! A reading chair, a music room, a place to chat, a home where Jesus' name is cherished and loved, where kind words are shared.

From reading excerpts of  Jaroldeen Edwards' book Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner, I am being reminded that defining homemaking as "dirty dishes and dirty diapers" is the farthest thing from true! This definition discounts the hugs, smiles, beautiful little eyes, snuggles, warm little bodies, teaching opportunities, the beautiful light and joy that children bring anywhere they go, that are all part of motherhood. Even the dishes and diaper changing are significant and can be joyful.


The biggest lesson: being a wife, a mother and homemaker are glorious, beautiful, eternal parts of who I am. I can choose to find joy in these things. And if I do choose to find joy in these things, they will bring me greater joy now and in the eternities than anything else ever could. Nothing has the potential to bring me the amount of joy and fulfillment that these treasures do. I'm grateful for this hard, stretching, joyful, meaningful, glorious metamorphosis of being a mom.

Horseback Riding

As a little kid I had always dreamt of riding horses, but in California it really wasn't a possibility. When we moved to Utah when I was 11, my parents made my dream become a reality! For my very first riding lessons I rode this little pony named Blossom.  My instructor was so wonderful and she taught me so much! I started out bareback on Blossom, and then later used a saddle on her. I was always worried I would squish her because she was so small! 

From Blossom I moved to Skyler, a Quarter Horse. Skyler and I shared a lot of great times. After learning to ride on him and doing a rodeo competition, my instructor actually sold him to my family and my uncle (we shared and kept him at my uncle's stables). Skyler and I made a lot of good memories. He was a really great horse and so great to ride. I learned to walk, trot, post, canter, and gallop on him, and we also did lots of pole bending, barrel racing, and even goat tying practice together. Skyler could really run! It was funny because he had a very, very slow walk, but when he got galloping, he was true to his breed and sprinted like a quarter horse! We competed in the Rodeo Princess Competition together when I was around 13. That was actually the only rodeo I ever participated in. Although we tried to enter competitions for the other rodeo events, there was always some kind of major schedule conflict that came up. I just loved the riding though- I wasn't really worried about competing. I was especially interested in bareback riding and was especially starting to practice that towards the end of my time riding. It was after the rodeo princess competition was over at some point that the idea of us buying Skyler came up. It was awesome to spend so much time with him. Even just being around him and the other horses was always very soothing and calming for me. The time seemed to stop when I was grooming him, mucking stalls, or just sitting on the porch nearby the horses. When I was 16 we had to move to California and had to say goodbye to Skyler (he stayed in Utah). It was really sad, but I knew there was nothing we could do, so I tried to cowgirl up and not make a big fuss.

Rodeo Princess Competition:

Practicing Barrel Racing:

Just for fun, here was another dream fulfilled:

Anyways, after moving when I was 16, I didn't get to ride much anymore, until just recently- almost 10 years later! It was by a series of events (that I really believe was guidance and little miracles from Heavenly Father), that lead me to taking riding lessons again! Now I am learning English riding, while before I did Western. So it's really new in a lot of ways! It's been so fun and so fulfilling for me! It's hard to believe that I had forgotten how good it feels to be on a horse and how much this is a part of who I am. Riding horses is something that I always dreamt of doing as a little kid, and that I loved so much when I finally got the chance to really learn and get involved with riding. Somehow between being 16 and being 25, I lost connection with that part of myself, and to be doing it again at last feels so good. It really is a miracle to me. I never, ever, ever imagined that as a mom of 2 young kids, and with my husband in school, that I would be riding horses. It's the last thing I would have thought of pursuing, but I really believe that Heavenly Father knew it was exactly what I needed. He really made things fall into place- He lead me to consider that it was actually a possibility for me. And I feel so blessed because it has helped me feel excited about life. It has rekindled my passion for discovering/developing myself. And it has helped me be a more present wife and mom. Knowing that I will have personal time during the week to go ride has helped me to be able to be at peace and excited about being home with my kids the rest of the week. I always loved being home with them, but somehow adding riding to my life has made my time more meaningful. I feel more excited about all aspects of my life. I feel excited to be a mom who is still herself and is unique. I feel excited about teaching my kids to ride someday (if they want to), and excited that my kids will know that their mom has passions and interests, and that they can have unique passions and interests too!

Here are some screen shots of my recent riding adventures. Learning English has made me feel like a beginner all over again in a lot of ways. I'm learning so many new things and I'm loving it! It feels good to challenge myself and try to improve. This experience has really taught me that it's such a good thing to have dreams. I always dreamt of becoming a wife and mom, and I also always dreamt of riding horses. Riding horses is WAY less important to me than being a wife and mom, but it's something that brings a spark of excitement and a lot of personal fulfillment into my life. I've really been learning that Heavenly Father wants us to have that personal fulfillment in our lives. I believe He wants us to pursue our dreams for our families and for ourselves as individuals- and when we seek His guidance, He can help those to fit together and be in harmony. 

Click here to read about Developing Talents on lds.org.

Moms: Losing Yourself Without Forgetting Yourself

I've recently been thinking about a paradox that has been brought to my attention throughout my time being a mom.

It begins with this verse from the Bible:

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:25


I feel very strongly that mothers really live this scripture verse! I can think of few others who "lose their life" for Christ's sake in the way that mothers do.

On the other hand, there have been times I have felt I have lost myself in a way that just doesn't feel quite right...

Talking to a friend:
Friend: So, what have you been up to lately?
(I think about my last couple of days: changed lots of diapers, took naps while trying to get the kids to sleep, cleaned the house a billion times but it looks like it hasn't been cleaned in a year, played with toys, read children's books, almost drowned in dirty laundry, kissed lots of owwies.)
Me: Uhhh.... Not much.
Friend: What do you like to do?
Me: Uhh..... I don't really do anything. Change diapers?..Wait! I like to play trucks! ...and draw BIG dragons!!! ... Does that count?


I really DO love playing trucks and drawing big dragons- because it makes my son Eli SOOOO happy! I love making my kids happy, and making sure they are taken care of, and nurturing them, and giving them my full attention, and just being there for them! Nothing I have ever done has brought more meaning to my life than being a wife and mother.

But there have been times since becoming a mom that I've felt like maybe I've lost myself a little too much. This has caused me a lot of confusion. I'm supposed to lose myself in service, right??

In some ways, becoming a mother has changed me in ways that have made me feel more like my true self -the self that God intends me to eventually become. I have been more refined, stretched, and strengthened than ever before. Motherhood has required me to become more selfless than ever before. I've learned to put my kids needs above my own desires at many times. I've learned to find balance, and simplify life so that I can focus on the things that really, really matter to me- and that really bring me joy. My marriage has been strengthened and I treasure my marriage and husband more than ever before. And our kids bring us SO much joy!

But on those days that I can't even remember what I like to do, I sometimes don't feel like myself anymore.

Tonight a few things clicked in my mind.

But I have to give a little background info first-

Ever since having kids, I feel like I've kind of been searching for some kind of hobby or interest. Something to make me feel unique again. And to make me feel like I'm learning and growing. I've jumped around and tried several things. But I've often felt that somehow I have lost the Erica that I used to be before becoming a mom.

Recently, during our summer vacation in Virginia, my parents put together an opportunity for me and my husband to ride horses! Riding horses is something I always dreamt of doing as a kid, and then had the opportunity to get involved in when I was around 11-16. I took lessons, and we even owned/shared a horse for a while. When I moved at age 16, I kind of left it all behind me and didn't have the same opportunities anymore.

When we rode in Virginia, I felt like my old self again. Riding was so therapeutic! And afterwards, my sister and parents said things like, "It's so good to see Erica on a horse again." And my husband was so surprised to see a part of me he had never seen before! It made him happy to see me light up and enjoy myself like that.

It made me realize that riding horses is something that could make me feel like my old self again. It could make me feel like Erica. But while considering the costs and sacrifices of riding horses, I've been questioning whether it is worth it. ...Is it ok to spend 2-3 hours away from my kids each week to go be with horses- just because it's something I want to do, and because I need some time to myself??? Is it really worth it to spend money just so I can go enjoy myself and pursue an interest?? Is it ok to let someone else watch my kids for a little while so I can take that time???
...Are people going to think I'm a bad mom?

Mom's can feel guilty about anything. (I guess it's some kind of special skill!! ....)

My husband has always been so supportive of me! And after seeing me ride a horse, he started encouraging me to think about taking lessons. While walking tonight with my husband, I was expressing all of these fears/doubts/confusions to him. He said something that just made everything click in my mind.

He reminded me that President Russell M. Nelson (Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), who I believe whole-heartedly to be a man of God, likes to ski! Last General Conference, several of the apostles lovingly and teasingly referred to how President Nelson likes to ski (even being 94 years old!) and that he even took his grandchildren skiing (because his own children were too old!)! They joked about having problems keeping him off the slopes!

I remember listening to conference, and finding out that President Nelson likes to ski. I thought it was so fun- it made me want to get to know President Nelson more! It struck me: the fact that President Nelson skis does not make him any less dedicated to the Lord, or to serving members of the Church and all people of the world! In fact, knowing that he skis makes him seem so human- so personable, so fun, so real, so relatable. I respect him and follow him, knowing that he is a prophet of God. But knowing he skis makes me want to get to know him just for who he is!


(President Nelson is the second from the right)

As a mom, having personal interests doesn't make me any less dedicated to my family. It makes me more human- it makes me more approachable, more personable, more real! It makes me fun to get to know. It helps me talk to other people and connect with them. It even benefits my children- it gives them a mom who can let go of the stresses of everyday life and be fun! It gives them a mom who loves life, who cherishes her time with them, and who can be more present at home because she is reassured that she will have time for herself later.

Just like the men and women of God who lead the Church have interests and hobbies, we moms can (and should) have interests and hobbies too (whether reading a book, skiing, sewing, cooking, yoga, karate, talking with a friend, etc). We can serve our family, and still take care of ourselves.

Losing ourself in the service of our families is truly a noble cause. But Heavenly Father doesn't want us to forget ourselves. He doesn't want us to constantly put our own needs, well being, emotional health, and even interests on the back burner. He wants us to take care of ourselves, and to nurture the interests, talents, and hobbies that He planted within us. He made each of us unique. He made each of us fun, interesting, and exciting. He wants us to be excited about getting to know ourselves and others, and about learning new things and developing our talents.

So, I'm starting to understand that there is a way to lose myself in service to my children without forgetting to take care of and nurture myself.

The Fear-Tension-Pain Cycle

One of my favorite lessons from our incredible Childbirth Educator was about the "Fear, Tension, Pain Cycle."

Our society has created this connection between the ideas of childbirth and pain. It's almost always the first question someone has when they ask me about my natural birth experience- "Was the pain overwhelming? Was the pain too much? How painful was it? How did you manage the pain?"

I mentioned this in my birth story, but I honestly would not look back and label my birth experience as "painful." Labor and birth could be painful at times (every mother's body and experience is unique!), but for me, "pain" doesn't describe the experience or feelings I had.

On the other hand, I really believe that if I had gone into childbirth with the idea in my mind that it would be super painful- and if that's the only idea I had about birth- I think I would have had the whole experience and perhaps labeled it as painful. Because if it was what I expected, it's probably what I would have interpreted the experience as.

My preparation for childbirth helped me so much! Preparation is so worth it! One of the best things for me was reading positive birth stories! (Especially the positive stories in Ina May Gaskin's Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. The whole first half of the book is of mothers sharing their positive, real birth stories.) Because I had read about so many other people's experiences, I was able to create in my mind an idea of what a contraction felt like. It felt like a big wave that came over me and took over my body. I no longer had to imagine a contraction as simply "pain." I now had a way to conceptualize it that was much more positive and made more sense to me. I learned to think of contractions as feelings of tightening and opening and pressure, rather than just "pain."

So to me, contractions felt like waves of pressure that would overwhelm my body, and I could really feel my body tightening and opening. These feelings were much easier for me to manage than if I had been trying to manage "pain."

For me there were times that the birth process was uncomfortable, new, and challenging, but I don't think of it as a painful experience. It was empowering and incredible! Just because something is challenging and is hard work, doesn't mean it is bad or has to be scary!

I had also learned that birth is a natural process, and that during birth there would not be anything "wrong" with my body. Pain is meant to signal to our brain that something is wrong with our body! During a normal, healthy birth, there is nothing wrong with the mother's body. Everything it is doing is normal and healthy. But if we interpret the sensations we are feeling as pain, our mind is receiving the message, "Something is wrong! Help! This is bad!"


So this brings us to the Fear, Tension, Pain Cycle:

-When your body feels fear, it naturally goes into "fight or flight" mode.
-Thinking that you need to either fight or flee makes your body tense up.
-When your body is birthing, there is no need to fight or flight. Your body needs to relax in order to open up. Your uterus is trying to help your cervix open, and the birth path (vagina) needs to be opened and relaxed. If you are tensing up, your body is fighting itself. Suddenly your body is telling your cervix to relax and open, but your mind is telling it: "No! Danger! Close back up so I can run away if I need to!"
-This tension, your body and mind fighting each other- and your body ultimately fighting against itself, causes increased pain.
-Feeling pain causes your mind to have more fear, so the cycle just continues, and the fear, tension, and pain keep increasing.



Another thought:
I think this is a super interesting point: Both Ina May Gaskin and Marie F. Mongan (as well as other natural birth experts) agree that a human body is a lot like an animal's body. In nature, if an animal is about to give birth, but suddenly feels threatened (maybe by a predator), their body can reverse labor, so that labor stops, and they can make a run for it. A human mother's body is the same way! If a mother feels fear while in labor (maybe fear caused by what society has told her about birth and pain), her labor may become much more difficult because her body is fighting against itself.


In conclusion, fear will not help a mother to have a good birthing experience. Fear is likely to make the mother more tense during labor and birth, which will result in her experience becoming more painful and stressful.

How to Prevent and/or Break the Cycle: The cycle starts with fear, so I think it is vital that a mother learns how to eliminate fear before birth, and to overcome moments of fear during birth. From my personal experience, I was able to eliminate fear before birth to the point that I was no longer afraid, but was excited for the experience. During labor, at some of the very intense moments, I really had to battle off feelings of fear that tried to creep in. Each mother's strategy will be different, but find what works for you, both to eliminate fear and overcome it if it tries to creep back in!

Some things that can help eliminate fear:
-Learn about birth. Become familiar with the different stages of labor and birth. Know how women typically feel during each stage, so that when you experience it yourself, you will know it is normal. Knowing that your experience is normal, even when it is intense, can help you to recognize that you have no need to panic, and nothing is wrong. At first learning about birth might be uncomfortable to you, and the process might still seem scary, but keep learning and seeking out good sources that encourage you. Don't stop learning until your perspective on birth changes from scary to incredible!
-Read positive birth stories!! Fill your mind with positive birth experiences and thoughts so that it becomes something beautiful and exciting in your mind, rather than something scary and unknown.
-Have someone with you during labor and birth to support you, reassure you, and cheer you on! It should be someone who is familiar with birth enough to stay calm and encouraging throughout the process, not someone who will be nervous and fearful.
-Have tools/strategies available to you during labor and birth. Know what helps you relax and feel comfortable! For me it was a special music playlist, warm water, my husband, and an awesome doula.


I would recommend to all women that they do what it takes to become comfortable and confident with the idea of giving birth. Eliminating fear about birth from our minds will only enable us to have better, more empowering birth experiences.

Emily's Birth

Emily will be 5 weeks old tomorrow! The time flies! 

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Emily's birth was such a precious experience for me, just like Eli's was. The experience has taught me a lot, but especially it has taught me that God created us to be strong! I think we doubt ourselves and don't see how strong we really are. He can help us see what He has always seen in us- that we are strong and capable, and that we can do hard things! My birth experiences have helped me feel that I am strong enough to do the hard things this life will require, especially raising these precious little children. 

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I started feeling tightenings (contractions) weeks before the birth. My water broke the night before Emily was born, and I had tightenings throughout the night. I just stayed in bed, listened to my music playlist (so inspiring!) and relaxed. I fell asleep often and then would wake up again. It was kind of a dream-like state. I found that visualizing a Hawaiian beach with the tide rising and falling helped me really relax during contractions. 

By early morning I called the midwife to let her know what was going on. We decided I would go into the birth center at 10am. My sister-in-law came and picked up Eli for us, and he spent the day with his grandma and aunts and uncles! 

I was so relaxed in the morning and my contractions stopped, and I fell asleep for a while. I also remember that at some point in the morning I asked Seth to call the midwife and ask if we could come in earlier because I felt like things were starting up again. We went into the birth center around 9:30. My tightenings had stopped (my body was resting) and since my water had broken, the midwife reminded me that it is very important for the baby to be born within 24 hours of the water breaking.

The midwife suggested castor oil. I told her I really didn't want to take it, but after talking to her, I realized it would really be the best thing. 

They made the castor oil into a smoothie for me (guava nector, almond butter, and castor oil!). It was exactly like the castor oil smoothie I drank before Eli was born. 

Castor oil takes about 2 hours to kick in, so we went home. 

 Around 1:00 (2 hours from when I took the castor oil), we decided to walk around the Provo City Center Temple (it's just 5 blocks from our birth center). As soon as we parked and started walking for a few minutes, I needed to use the restroom, so we just went to the birth center. After using the restroom, the midwife recommended we go on a walk.  My tightenings hadn't started back up yet and she wanted us to get things moving! She said, "It's either that or another dose of castor oil..."

Seth said something like, "Ok! We're outta here!" That made me laugh because I did not want another dose of castor oil. He and I walked around outside for quite a while.

Eventually I started feeling things start up again. I felt my abdomen get super tight and stay tight. 

We headed back to the birth center. We told the midwife that I was feeling things start again, but that they weren't strong consistent contractions. She asked what we wanted to do next. After talking to her and asking her suggestion, she recommended breaking my water. 

I agreed to have her break my water. Right after she broke my water, I could tell the contractions would start coming very strong. I asked my midwife, "When can I get in the tub??" She responded, "Once I hear some moaning." I started moaning jokingly. She asked, "Really? Do you think it's going to be soon?" I replied, "Yes!" She was so awesome! She really trusted me and she started filling the tub right away! 

I went to the restroom and stayed there for about half an hour or so. The tightenings came like waves, one after the other. They were close together and very strong. My husband came in to help me, and he called our doula to come.

After about 30-40 minutes laboring in the bathroom (our heroic doula arrived during that time), I was asking when I could get in the tub, and my doula told me I could! She just said it was too hot so she was going to add more cool water. 

The contractions were coming so fast and so strong. I was listening to my playlist with the wireless headphones, and breathing very deeply to relax. It was working well, but I was feeling that it was starting to overwhelm me and I was so excited to get in the tub. 

Getting in the tub was a huge relief! I instantly felt a lot of pressure lifted from me. At the same time, my contractions became much stronger. I was in a sitting position, with my legs kind of bent to the side. The water helped my body relax between pressure waves, but the waves themselves had become very, very strong. My doula used counter pressure (pushing against my knees), and Seth put cold wet washcloths on my forehead and neck. It felt really nice because the water was super warm! I didn't feel comfortable in the sitting position and the counter pressure wasn't working very well in that position, but I didn't feel like moving. I started noticing that my body was forcefully bearing down. My body pushes on its own and I couldn't stop if I tried! 

I stayed sitting for a while, but it soon became very uncomfortable and I was still feeling that my body was already starting to bear down very hard. I decided to move to my hands and knees. Seth and our doula would both do counter pressure, each pressing on one of my hips during each contraction. I think it was around then that I lost everything from my stomach. I was shaking a lot and my temperature was feeling really strange. We had a bowl near by, and I threw up over and over into it, as well as into another container. Our doula then replaced those yucky bowls with a little plastic bin (floating in the water right under my nose- I was still on hands and knees) and she sprinkled a bunch of essential oil in it! It smelled amazing and really soothed me. (She later told me it was peppermint to help with the nausea.) At this point, Seth and our doula both were having similar thoughts. They remembered all of these same things happening during my labor with Eli, and he was born soon after all these signs- the shaking, throwing up, etc. Neither of them voiced their thoughts because they didn't want to get my hopes up if it wasn't true, but they both thought the baby would be born soon. They were right. 

I stayed on hands and knees and my body was still bearing down very forcefully. I was saying "Aooowwww." My body was trying to push the baby's head out and it really hurt. It felt like my body was trying to push baby girl out before it was open enough for her to fit through.

 I soon felt the head bulging but I was concerned that she wouldn't fit through. I didn't feel like my body had had enough time to open up for her. I told them that she was coming. The doula ran to get the midwife. Soon I could feel that her head was crowning, and it really burned and stung.

I remember feeling especially strong burning and stinging, and it really hurt. It felt like someone was poking me down there. I thought it was the midwife, and tried to tell her to stop. I reached down to move her hand away, and I was so surprised to feel that the baby's head was out! I was shocked. I had no idea that that was what was happening right then. I lifted my headphones off of one ear and asked, "Can I push?" I heard the midwife say "yes," so I pushed the rest of her body out. I instantly felt a huge huge relief! 

There is really nothing like that moment when your brand new baby enters the world and you are just filled with the hugest love for that perfect little one. 

Everyone helped me to get rearranged and soon I was sitting in the tub holding my beautiful girl!!!!!!!!!!!! (So beautiful!!!!) The first thing I felt was a huge sense of joy! And that was the first word that popped into my mind. When Seth and I asked each other what we thought of for her name, I told him I thought Joy should be part of it. After holding her for a while and after the chord stopped pulsing (getting all that good oxygen to our new baby girl), the chord was cut and Seth held her while I moved to the bed. 

We had been thinking of the name Emily ever since before we found out from the ultrasound that we were having a girl. It had just felt right for a long long time. After a day or so of thinking about it, we decided on Emily Joy. It just fits her perfectly. 

I was so shocked at how fast it all went. She was born in about an hour and a half! I kept asking questions like, "how did that happen?" Emily's birth seemed to be more intense than Eli's because it happened so fast! Afterwards, I was talking to one of the midwives about it and she explained that when you have a fast birth, your body still needs to do the same amount of work, but it just does it in a whole lot less time. 

After Emily was born, Seth and I held her on the bed at the birth center for hours. We were in heaven!  We just kept admiring our beautiful girl! 

 I was exhausted. I felt totally drained! But also so happy! I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. 

Emily was born at 4:35pm and we were back home around 8:30 or 9:00pm that night. 

I've never seen such a beautiful girl before! Emily has been such a joy in my, Seth's, and Eli's lives already! We love her so much!!! She is a little angel.

Eli's Birth

When I was at 37 weeks, I felt ready to have my baby. After asking my midwives and having them tell me that my baby was at the point that he could safely be born, I was doing a lot to encourage labor to start- mostly walking a lot. I had walked a lot throughout my whole pregnancy, and I think it really helped me. My contractions started sometime around 37 weeks. For a whole day I would feel them, but they would always fade away by the end of the day or night. They were never really predictably consistent, but would continue on and off for a whole day or a whole night. I knew they were contractions and were actually doing something, rather than just being Braxton hicks. When I had Braxton hicks, my whole abdomen just got really tight, then released. These contractions I was feeling felt crampy and sometimes made me feel suddenly really warm or a little nauseous. They weren't intense and were very manageable. It excited me to think that my baby might be coming really soon. Those crampy contractions continued on and off for a few weeks until I was around 39 weeks.

Six days before my "due date" -it was about 10pm- I felt a sudden contraction that was stronger than the ones I had felt before, and my water broke. It wasn't a big gush of water, more like a trickle. But I felt like I instinctually knew what it was. We called our midwife and let her know. She said that if it really was the water that had broken, we would want to have the baby within twenty four hours (to decrease chance of infection). She also thought it could have been some other liquid and not really my water breaking. She told us to keep her posted and recommended I try to rest.

A little while after my water broke, I started to feel contractions come and go. They weren't painful or intense, but they kept me awake the whole night. Normally I can sleep through pretty much anything. :) I spent the whole night sitting up in bed, with my iPod earbuds in my ears, listening to my birth playlist. (My husband had set up a playlist for me with all the songs I wanted! So nice!:D) I knew that music really helped me relax, so that had been part of our birth plan/prep. At many times during that night, I would become so relaxed and absorbed in the music that I would be on the verge of sleep, but wouldn't quite fall completely asleep because of another contraction coming. I tried timing the contractions several times, but they weren't consistent. Sometimes they were close together, other times they were ten minutes apart. The contractions required my concentration after a while. They were getting strong enough that I would have to focus on just breathing really deeply during them, and relaxing my body between them. It was kind of dream like. I was nervous, but really excited to finally meet our little boy! My husband slept- I wanted him to have energy for the next day- but was always willing to wake up and help if I needed anything.

By morning, around 8am (I think we called our midwife again at some point in there), I was so relaxed that I actually just fell asleep! I slept from 8am until 10am. When I woke up, I realized that I wasn't even having contractions anymore. We called the midwife and she asked us to meet her at the birth center at noon. She wanted to check and see if my water had really broken. If it hadn't broken, there was no need to have the baby now. If it had broken, she told me she would like the baby to be born within 24 hours of the time it had broken.

We drove to the birth center- at this point I really wasn't having any contractions, so it was easy to get things ready to go. When we got there at noon, my midwife did a little test to see if my water had broken. She just wiped a little paper/swab or something around the area, and said if it was amniotic fluid, it would change to a certain color. It didn't really show up as definite amniotic fluid, but I knew it was! They decided to test again, and I think they asked for permission to feel the baby. They found that the baby was actually really close, and that it really was the water that had broken. I felt really encouraged when they told me my cervix was already mostly effaced. I knew the contractions the weeks before had really accomplished a lot!

The midwife and her assistant told me they'd like to try some things to help my contractions get started again. (PS: I had gotten to meet all of the midwives at the birth center, and had specifically wanted this midwife. They were really willing to make that work, and I was so glad it all worked out and I got to have her as my midwife for the birth! I also loved the women who were assisting!) They listed the options, and mentioned that castor oil usually worked the best but also tended to make you nauseus. I told them that castor oil was my last pick and I'd rather try the other things first. After trying an herbal tincture and other things, we finally settled on the castor oil. They made it into an awesome smoothie with guava (? I think...) nectar and almond butter. It tasted pretty good but was still hard to get down since I knew the castor oil was in it.

The midwives asked us to go on a little walk, so we walked around the block of the birth center.

For the next few hours, from about 2pm to 4pm, I sat on the nice comfy bed next to my husband, listening to my music. The birth center was so beautiful and peaceful! We had our own room, and it had a big tub with a beautiful mural painted behind it of a river and trees. The window was right next to the bed and warm sunlight was coming through, and we could hear a train passing every once in a while. The whole thing felt really dreamy! haha

During those hours, it probably looked like nothing was happening from the outside, but I could tell my body was doing a lot of work. I was focused on relaxing and trying to rest before labor got more intense. At one point, the midwife came in and asked us if we would go out and do something- like watch a movie. She said that sometimes when labor is taking a while to start, it helps to take your mind off of it, and she didn't want us to get discouraged by just waiting around. As soon as she left the room, I told my husband that I didn't want to go anywhere! I knew that things were really starting to move along and I could tell that my body would be working really hard really soon. We decided we would try to just go outside and take a little walk again.

As we left our room and started walking down the stairs to leave the birth center, I had to stop half way down the stairs with a really strong contraction. I told my husband I didn't want to go anywhere and we headed back to our room. From there things started moving quickly!

From 4pm to 8pm are kind of a blur, and it all seemed to go by really fast!

At 4pm my contractions started becoming very strong. They were getting very close together and were quickly getting very intense. (Note: My contractions were never really consistent until this point. I had never been able to time them and find a pattern of every ten minutes or every five minutes. And at this point, they were so close together that there was no need in timing them. I was happy about how this all worked out because I had never liked the idea of timing contractions.) My husband called our doula and she said she would head right over. She had come to the birth center shortly after 12:00 when we first got there, but after we realized my labor might take a while to start, we told her to go ahead and go spend time with her family and that we would let her know when we needed her.

I kept sitting on the bed and was really having to focus on just breathing and trying to let my body relax. Our doula arrived and instantly dimmed the lights, asked what scent it was I had liked, and soon the room smelled like relaxing lavender. After a while, she and the midwife encouraged me to try changing positions. They suggested laying on my side. I was really reluctant but tried. I felt like I was losing control of my body and I was sure that if I moved, my body would start moving things along a lot faster. As soon as I got onto my side, I had to run to the bathroom and throw up.

I'm not exactly sure what order all of the next things happened in...

I know I spent several hours in the restroom and lost everything that was in my stomach. That time, however long it was -I think it was an hour or so- was the hardest part for me. When contractions would come, I would try to brace myself with my arms, while still letting my body relax. The contractions would completely overwhelm me. I spent a lot of time just praying and asking for help to relax and have faith, instead of letting fear take over. Because I felt like I was slowly losing control of keeping my mind calm, and I at times felt panicky and wondered if I could go on. I really understood why a woman would choose to have pain relief during birth! I also remember feeling encouraged when I realized that I had hit the point that I thought I couldn't go on any longer. I remembered learning that a lot of women feel that way when they are in transition, so I realized I was really close to meeting my baby boy!

 I had closed myself in the restroom because I was self conscious, but my wonderful doula suggested to my husband that he knock on the door and check on me. He and the doula came in and they helped me so much! Whenever a contraction came, the doula would use counter pressure on my knees. My husband would put a cool wet wash cloth on my face and encourage me and tell me how great I was doing.

 At some point in the restroom, the midwives (midwife and assistants) came in and wanted to give me an IV. I really didn't want it. They said since it was getting close to the 24 hours from when my water had broken, it would be safer to have the IV to prevent infection. I gave them my wrist. After a few tries, they weren't able to find a vein, and asked if they could feel the baby. When they felt his head, they said, "He's right there!" They decided that it wouldn't be too long before he was born, so they didn't worry about giving me the IV, which made me very relieved and grateful.

People have asked me if labor hurts. It's different for everyone, but I wouldn't describe it as painful. I would describe the labor I was in from 4-8pm as a lot of intense feelings and sensations that completely overwhelmed me. I've never surfed, but labor kind of felt like being carried by ocean waves. Early labor was like drifting over round waves that never really crash, but just keep rolling again and again, lifting you up and down. The active, intense labor was like I was being carried by huge waves, that seemed to get taller every time, and I kept feeling afraid they would suddenly come crashing down. I felt completely out of control, but I knew that my body knew what it was doing and I had to just surrender myself, try to relax, and let the waves keep coming.

Later I remember kneeling on a pad the doula had brought, and leaning against the birth ball, with my arms resting on the ball. Between contractions I would just try to relax. I was really vocal, which surprised me because I'm kind of a quiet person and was sure that I wouldn't make a lot of noise during labor. Haha:) During contractions I would say, "Ohhhhhhh" and try to keep my voice at a low pitch. It was like a sign for my doula, and as soon as she heard me, she would start putting counter pressure on my hips, which was completely heavenly. Between contractions I would say, "Ahhhhhhh"  and the doula would massage my legs and feet, or whatever part of me was tense, with lotion. She would also give my husband instructions to get more cool water and put the cloth on my forehead. He was always right by me, encouraging me. It made so much difference! My husband and my doula were my heroes!

Apparently I was on my knees like that for an hour or so and it really helped the baby to descend and for labor to happen faster.

Between contractions I would sometimes joke with my husband and our doula, or I would just relax. Between contractions I was vaguely aware of what people were saying and my body would instantly feel relief and relax. During contractions I wouldn't really notice what anybody else was saying or doing. I was in the zone! Labor kind of puts you in your own world. You become really focused and your attention all turns inward to what's going on in your body.

At some point I remember that I knocked over a glass of water on the floor, and I think someone else spilled something too, and the whole floor was covered in water. When the midwife came in, the doula joked about how we had spilled everything, and I said, "We mopped the floor for you!"

Also, between contractions I would ask the midwife, "Can I go in the tub now?" They didn't want me to get in too soon because it could slow down the contractions and slow down the progress. I also remember one of the midwives commenting, "Is she really in labor? It doesn't seem like it!" because I was so calm on the outside. That encouraged me and made me smile. There were lots of little moments when my husband or doula would say something that would make me smile or laugh, and those little moments made a big difference to me.

While laboring on my knees, I started feeling the strangest sensation! It was like my whole body was pushing and I had no control over it. It felt like suddenly my whole body would thrust downwards, and it was so strong that it would make my body jolt backwards. I was confused by it, but couldn't really talk. My doula noticed and told the midwife, "It looks like she is having some involuntary pushing." I tried to confirm that- I think I just nodded or something. It was really helpful to hear her say that and explain what I was feeling.

Finally, the midwives had the tub filled and told me I could get in!! I was so excited that I remember we all laughed at how eager I was! When I finally got in, I felt a huge relief! Somehow it relieved a lot of pressure and weight. It made me feel so relaxed and light. The water was super warm too.

My heroic doula helped position me on my knees with a towel under my knees, and continued putting counter pressure on my hips during every contraction. My sweet husband was right by me encouraging me, and he smiled at me whenever I opened my eyes to see him.

I got in the tub around 8pm, and our baby was born around 8:12! So I wasn't in the water for more than 20ish minutes.

I remember one of the midwives helping me reach down to feel the baby's head. She told me to help guide him out as he was crowning. I didn't really know how to do that, and since my pushing was completely involuntary, I couldn't slow it down or control it well. The next thing I knew, his little head was out! It was really exciting! At this point, I wasn't really feeling overwhelmed or scared or anything anymore. I was feeling more in control and was feeling really excited. I don't remember pushing being painful or hard. I just remember how excited I was. I think I was really high on adrenaline and hormones, so I was feeling exhausted, but good!

When his head was out, the midwife asked me to push just a little, so she could unwrap the chord from around his neck. Then she said that with the next push, she'd like me to push the whole baby out. I did! And the next thing I knew, I was being helped to turn around and sit in the tub, and our beautiful baby boy was placed on my chest!!! It was the hugest sense of relief and euphoria. Everything seemed perfect and calm and happy.

I got to sit there with him for a while. The midwife had me blow on his face to help him start breathing more. After a while, the midwives said they'd like to move me to the bed, and that we could either keep the baby attached to me and I could keep holding him, or we could cut the chord and let daddy hold him. Since the chord had already stopped pulsing (delivering oxygen to the baby), I said we could cut it and let daddy have a turn holding him. It was the happiest thing in the world to see my husband holding our new little baby.

After that my husband and I got to lay on the bed for hours while holding our sweet new baby. The midwives helped me deliver the placenta. They asked me to push, but I felt like as hard as I tried, my body was so tired that my push was super weak! But it came out just fine, and delivering the placenta wasn't painful at all. I hardly felt it. The doula and midwives helped me start nursing the baby, and he did great! That was such a peaceful, wonderful time. The midwives didn't even take baby to weigh him or anything until after we'd had an hour or so of time with him! Then they weighed him and did his footprints. While we were on the bed, I had to get some stitches. I tore quite a bit, and in odd places, not in the common place (the perineum). Usually having more controlled, slower pushing, helps prevent tearing. I think since my body pushed him out so fast, and I didn't really have control over it, I was more prone to tearing. It didn't hurt at all when it happened. I think my body was experiencing so much at the same time, and I was feeling really good from lots of natural hormones, that I didn't even feel it when it happened! Getting stitched up wasn't fun. It was hard to stay relaxed because my body had just been through so much and was exhausted. But I got to hold my baby and feed him while they were stitching, and the midwives were really gentle and kind, and I had my husband right next to me too.

It was all really wonderful. We went home that same night. Everything was so peaceful! Peace just radiated from our new little son. My husband and I were just in heaven!! The whole experience was challenging, but so rewarding and incredible. It left me feeling so empowered, fulfilled, and peaceful.

My husband and our new little baby, right in front of the tub where he was just born:

I never knew babies could show so much expression on their first day of life, until we tried turning the car lights on to take a picture of him on the way home from the birth center. As soon as the light was on, he made this face: (it just melted our hearts!)

Home together as a new family of three!

A Life Update In Photos

 (Yes, she does wake up sometimes! :D)

 (You can see in the background how our house generally looks these days! Intense play times!)

 (Eli loves holding his sister's hand)

 (and gently touching her hair)

 (...and trying to fit her hand inside of his mouth)

 (if you are holding Emily, this is the view you will likely see. Cute chubby cheeks!)

(our regular crazy breakfast routine!)