Until recently, I only thought of "OCD" as an expression of speech—like when someone straightens out a picture frame and says, "I had to fix it. I'm kinda OCD."
But now those three letters, O.C.D., mean a lot more to me. Right now they mean "hope." Hope for understanding and connection.
For years I've wished I had a way of describing and explaining the mental struggles I experience. Therapists have been puzzled by the things I've explained to them. Sometimes my experiences seem funny to others, including myself. And my loving family members have been confused by my experiences too.
But recently I've been learning more about OCD, and I'm excited to keep learning. I'm excited for my first appointment with a therapist who specializes in OCD and anxiety. At least I think I'm excited...if excitement feels like a mixture of insecurity, embarrassment, hope, happiness, desire to learn, impatience, and peace.
Based on what I've learned recently, OCD can be much different than what most of us instantly think of when we hear that all too casually used acronym.
When most of us hear obsessive compulsive disorder, we think of someone who can't stop organizing their bedroom, can't stop cleaning their kitchen, or always has to have their school supplies sitting on their desk in a specific pattern. These all could be symptoms of OCD—but not always. And for those who do have compulsions to wash hands, organize or clean, it's no joke. For someone with OCD, they can't just straighten the picture frame and then feel relief. It's not just "Oh, that was an OCD moment. Now it's fixed." The way we often joke about OCD makes it seem like a positive attribute—a way of describing someone who is exceptionally neat and tidy, or who always seems to have everything "perfect." But for someone who actually has obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD is not a positive descriptive word, it is a disorder. And it's hard.
I'm learning that many people have had experiences with OCD that are extremely debilitating. Luckily, mine have not been so bad.
Here are some of my experiences with OCD:
-College was hard. My college experience has been a strange paradox of two things: 1.) being a great student with very good grades and loving school. 2.) feeling completely incapable of ever graduating. In my early college years (in 2011) and even in my recent attempt at going back to school (2019), I have had a frequent and reoccurring pattern. First, something triggers anxiety—maybe an assignment, worrying about staying up late to finish something, etc. Next, the anxiety starts to spiral out of control. I start to question all of my decisions about what major I chose. I begin to frantically research different majors, feeling like I might have just ruined my life by choosing the wrong major. How could I ever possibly graduate with THIS major? I wouldn't be able to live a happy life and pursue my dreams on this path. If I do this major, I'll never get to follow these other dreams. Etc, etc, etc. These obsessive thoughts overwhelm me and fill me with uncertainty. The next thing I know, I'm changing my major. Because with OCD, you often perform a compulsive action in an attempt to calm your racing, obsessive thoughts. So, I'll fill out online forms to change to a different major, sometimes requiring signatures from the heads of certain departments. I'll complete all the necessary steps as quickly as possible. But with OCD, the compulsive behavior does not relieve the obsession (and accompanying anxiety). So, as soon as the change would go through, I'd have the thoughts again. What was I thinking? I'll never finish school if I change majors. I'd better change back! Everything felt URGENT. Sometimes I'd change my major 2 or 3 times in one day (perhaps all within just a few hours). I'd call my mom, feeling frantic, and she'd try to help talk me through it.
-When I touch certain things, especially chemicals for cleaning, I feel them on my hands, even after washing several times. I have to wash many times before forgetting the feeling.
-I always check that my door is locked a couple times (car door or house door), even after locking it. I have to push the "lock" button for my car several times (at least 4ish), probably annoying the neighbors with the beep beep beep beeeeeeeep.
-I am constantly counting certain things. Whenever I go anywhere I constantly count the items in my purse. Wallet, Phone, Keys. Wallet, Phone, Keys. Okay. Then after a few minutes I check again. And again. And again. I will count them every few minutes until I get home and put my purse back down in its spot. When I'm checking out at the store I have to make sure all my cards are in my wallet (sometimes while standing at the cash register area and with people waiting in line behind me to check out). Then as I walk away from the register, I usually unzip my wallet and check again to make sure I actually did put my debit card back in it. I might check again in the car too.
-When I buy new clothes I have to count them whenever I go to my closet. 4 jeans, 5 shirts. 4 jeans, 5 shirts.
-When I'm walking and see a rock in the sidewalk, I worry that if I don't move it then a kid will ride a scooter, hit the rock, and get seriously injured. I also worry that if I don't pick up a piece of trash, a bird will choke on it and die. One symptom of OCD is to worry that you will cause harm to others by not doing something. You get the feeling that just by neglecting to act on an obsessive thought, something bad will happen.
-I check the stove knobs again and again to make sure that they aren't turned slightly on and are letting gas fill our house. I always check these before bed (regardless of how recently I checked or how many times I checked during the day), as well as making sure there aren't things that could catch fire nearby the toaster.
-I've struggled with religious OCD (scrupulosity) for much of my life without ever realizing it. As a kid I felt responsible for my family's spiritual well-being. I felt like the solution to almost any problem was more scripture study and more prayer. Instead of hanging out with my family in the living room, I often felt the need to go outside and study scriptures for hours. This was often enjoyable and I'm glad I had those experiences studying and praying as a teenager, but now I also realize that there were OCD behaviors involved. Part of religious OCD can be perfectionism, or feeling like God is harsh and judgmental, rather than loving and forgiving. I experienced those feelings as a new mother. Somehow my mind shifted from "God loves me and I like connecting with him through my worship" to "if I don't pray, my kids might get seriously hurt when I go outside" or just an impending feeling of bad things happening if I didn't study scriptures. I often set a moral standard for myself that was higher than my church's actual moral standard. I made up rules that I thought I needed to follow that weren't actually commandments or expectations from my church (like thinking I needed to be a traditional mother and that if I wanted to do things other than cook, clean, and raise kids I wouldn't be a good mom, or thinking that if I tried to finish school it wouldn't be pleasing to God and would affect my family in seriously detrimental ways). I thought God expected all of these things from me, even though I now realize He didn't. It was my OCD that was putting those expectations and that pressure on me.
-I have OCD tendencies around technology. Sometimes technology bothers me SO much. I remember wishing I could smash our family computer as a kid because I felt I (or someone else) had spent too much time on it. My anxiety often gets triggered when my husband pulls out his laptop to work on something. It's just a weird thing! I have some kind of rule in my mind about computers. Internally I have rules about how long is too long to be on the computer.
-I love animals, and many of my recent OCD struggles have been focused on certain animal species. We adopted Guinea Pigs about a year ago. I had to have a pet. I just knew it would solve all of my problems. But even after getting two Guinea Pigs (I loved them!), I still couldn't stop obsessing about how to take care of them. I spent hours researching. I started to think that in order to have a good life, they needed to live in a small herd. I was able to rescue two more Guinea Pigs. I was convinced that they would be so much happier if all four Guinea Pigs could live together in one habitat rather than in two separate habitats. I spent hours and hours and hours and days and days and days learning how to properly introduce Guinea Pigs to each other, then trying to introduce my Guinea Pigs to each other in the perfect setting. When it didn't work time and time again, I was very discouraged. Even depressed. I think I cried about it. During the process of trying to make them an ideal habitat, I even converted a metal shelf we had been using for other things into a Giant Guinea Pig cage. Then I decided I needed to buy the right supplies to make a better cage. I was willing to sell anything I owned to buy the supplies. I would go to department stores just so I could stare at the supplies I needed.
-One of my worst animal OCD experiences was with snakes. I've always loved animals, but never had been very interested in or comfortable with snakes. I can't remember what triggered it, but several months ago I got intensely interested in snakes. For three entire weeks I could not stop thinking about snakes, both day and night. I would go to sleep thinking about snakes, dream about snakes, then wake up thinking about snakes. I needed a snake. I spent hours a day researching them. I even found exactly what snake I wanted to buy. My husband is sooo good. He has helped me so much. He suggested we wait on the snake for a little while. After all, we'd be having a new baby soon and it was a busy phase of life. He was concerned that once the baby was born I wouldn't be too happy about having to feed a snake, etc. I didn't believe him, but I trusted him and tried to wait. It was painful. I still couldn't stop thinking about snakes, and I felt I would never be able to stop thinking about them until we bought one. Thankfully the phase eventually passed, and now I'm grateful I don't currently have a snake.
-I've also had obsessive phases with cats and dogs, where if it weren't for my sweet husband, I would have compulsively adopted animals that I was allergic too and didn't have time or money to take care of.
-After having kids, I would get up frequently at night to check on them, always putting my hand by their mouth or nose to check that they were still breathing. I'm finally starting to get better at sleeping through the night without worrying, but I still check on them quite a bit.
-After publishing my first book, Luna's Rescue, my excitement evolved. Before I knew it I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it was exhausting. All day long for days my mind would be running a million miles a minute, wondering if I made a spelling error, whether I should change the margins or spacing, wondering if people would like it, worried that people wouldn't, obsessing over how to improve the alignment of the cover, etc. I spent a lot of time obsessively checking for errors again and again. Within a day or two of publishing my excitement had turned to exhausting anxiety and I just wished I could turn my brain off, but I didn't know how.
-I'm getting much better at this, but for quite a while as a new mom I had a fear of getting interested in something. I would never take any time to do something for myself as a mom. I couldn't relax. I couldn't enjoy myself. For the first several years after being a mom, I was afraid to have interests. I was afraid that if I got interested in something that I would become obsessed with it and then abandon my family in pursuit of this interests (hobby, job, etc). *interestingly, people who have OCD often have obsessions about their worst fears (leaving their family, leaving their religion, etc), but people with OCD are actually extremely unlikely to actually do the things they are afraid of doing. (Often, people with OCD are people who are sensitive and care very deeply about people, their faith, etc. Unfortunately, they are sometimes plagued with constant worries about betraying the things they love most.)
-When I got courage as a new mom to try getting back into a hobby, I started horseback riding. It felt impossible to not obsess about it. Eventually I was convinced I needed a horse if I wanted to have a good life. I would cry when I realized it would take years to save up enough for a horse. I couldn't like horses and not be all in. It felt like all or nothing were the only options (that's how most things are for me). So, like many other interests, I tried to just stop liking horses altogether. I figured it would be better to completely forget I ever liked horses than to like them. Because liking them and occasionally getting to be around them would just leave me obsessing 24/7, leaving me unable to focus on taking care of my kids or enjoying anything else in life.
***This is a common compulsion for those with OCD: The compulsion is to avoid something that you have obsessions about (or might have obsessions about.)
Some mothers also experience postpartum OCD (just like how some moms experience postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression). I believe that my OCD changed with postpartum and with the change of my life circumstances and routine. After having kids I had pretty intense religious OCD for quite a while. I had fears about bad things happening to my kids all the time. I also avoided getting together with people sometimes because of my fears. I felt so different than other people.
I'm so grateful for what I'm learning. I'm in a much healthier place today than I have been in a long time. It feels so good!
If you struggle with any of these things or think you might have OCD or anxiety, I'd love to connect. I'm looking forward to having a support group of friends.
