"Pure O is a form of OCD marked by intrusive, unwanted, and uncontrollable thoughts (or obsessions). While someone experiencing Pure O may not engage in obvious behaviors related to their intrusive thoughts, such as counting, arranging, or hand-washing, the disorder is instead accompanied by hidden mental rituals."
https://www.verywellmind.com/pure-o-primarily-obsessional-ocd-4159144
The Struggles:
I like to talk about my surface level obsessions, like the time I obsessed about hedgehogs for about 5 days straight, day and night. Or worse, the time I couldn't stop obsessing about snakes for 3 weeks (now I have nightmares about snakes). Because even though it's vulnerable, it's a lot less vulnerable than other distressing parts of OCD.
Sometimes I just feel like a worthless piece of baloney.
I need to repent. I don't deserve friends. I'm not enough for God.
I think everyone knows what it feels like to be physically sick. But being mentally sick is hard to put into words.
It's those days that you feel like you don't deserve friends. Because you wake up from disturbing dreams and have disturbing thoughts during the day. OCD makes you feel like you just have to avoid all people. But avoiding people makes it worse. The thoughts tell me that I'm not good enough or clean enough to be with my friends. No matter how joyful and grateful you are in your marriage, SO OCD and ROCD tell you "Well, what if you cheat?" and so you want to avoid people to make sure that doesn't happen. You overanalyze all of your interactions with people, because your relationship is too important to let any hint of unfaithfulness enter your life.
OCD targets the things that are most important to you and then corrupts them. And it's hard to brush those thoughts and feelings off. Even though you know they're baloney
It's those days you reach for your scriptures (which used to be the greatest source of comfort in your life), but then cringe inside before you even touch them, and feel "I'm not ready today."
Religious OCD makes you feel so weak. Like your attempts to connect with God are so insignificant. And then the feelings of inadequacy and guilt become associated with living your faith, and it gets harder to enjoy the things you once enjoyed about worship.
Religious OCD is cringing inside when someone talks about a conference talk/spiritual message they read (Why am I cringing?? I love conference talks!) because you feel guilty for not having read the same talk.
Religious OCD is walking to your Sunday school class, standing in the doorway, then walking away because the guilty feelings are already starting to creep up inside you and twist your stomach into a knot.
Religious OCD is hearing people say, "I'm so excited for the temples (one of our most special places of worship) to open up again (after COVID-19 had them closed)" and feeling terrible for not having felt the same way. Hearing "Hopefully the temples will be opening soon." and feeling guilt wash over me that I'll never be able to go to the temple enough. (I used to go to the temple every single week just because I loved it so much! But now thinking about going inside causes anxiety.)
Religious OCD is preferring to sit to pray instead of kneel to pray. Because every time my knees hit the ground, a kid asks for help. And then feeling guilty for not kneeling.
The Lessons:
Struggling with HOCD and ROCD has taught me that I can talk to my husband about anything, and he will love me unconditionally. And as soon as I'm able to get the fears out in the open with him, a sense of safety and peace wrap around me, and I know that things will be okay. I feel closer to him, safer with him, and am increasingly more grateful for my marriage and my sweet husband.
Struggling with HOCD has taught me that I need friends.
"Wherefore by their afruits ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20, the Bible
Instead of ruminating about things (like thinking I need to avoid people), I can move forward with faith and experience things. Like being with friends. Then I feel the goodness of being there with them, and I am reassured that everything is okay.
Struggling with Religious OCD (Scrupulosity) has taught me so much! Since understanding and learning about Religious OCD, I have found that I am able to enjoy my faith once again.
I am learning to extend mercy to myself.
Somedays I know that I'm not ready to read the scriptures, but the Lord tells me in my heart "That's okay, Daughter. Maybe today you can just think of Me." (In our church, there is a lot of emphasis on studying scripture. It is an important daily ritual for us.) Or somedays I'm feeling up for a little more, and He tells me, "Maybe today you can just hold the scriptures in your hands while you think of your favorite verse." And when I do those little, tiny, seemingly-insignifacnt things, I feel an outpouring of His love. And I am blown away by His mercy, grace, and GOODNESS. I stand amazed that He loves me and blesses me, even when I am so weak and incapable. He makes me strong. He fills me with joy and gratitude, meaning and purpose.
My Lord redeems me from all things difficult, whether my fault or not.
Religious OCD has taught me to come to know the Lord on a deeper level. To trust Him on a deeper level. To let Him prevail in my life more fully.
The Lord loves broken things.
Because the cracks give space for His light to fill us.
And being filled by Him feels better than being filled by anything else.
I'm so grateful for the chance to learn about Him. To experience Him in a way that is deeply personal and significant.
I think it is beautiful that every single one of us has a completely unique life and personality. And that He desires to be our personal Teacher. He teaches us in ways that no one else can. He can make every unfair thing into something that will bless our lives. I can't say enough about Him.
* I like to share my experiences because there are many people who are deeply affected and deeply suffering because their OCD struggles are so intense and too difficult to share. My heart aches for those who struggle more than I do. My struggles are hard, but I can't begin to imagine the depth of pain and loneliness that some OCD strugglers experience. I hope to bring awareness to their situations (as well as to everyone who struggles in anyway).
