Creating a Positive Culture Around Sexuality

How are you teaching your children (or those you are responsible for teaching-including yourself) about sexuality? What messages are we sending to our little ones? If you are married, when is the last time you invested yourself in learning (and relearning) about healthy sexuality and your marital relationship? If you are single, are you consciously making efforts to have positive views and understandings about sex?

I feel so strongly that one of the very best protections and teachings for children are open, natural, and frequent conversations about sexual health and bodies. And I think kids (and adults) get so many negative messages about sex in the world, that I think as parents we should ensure that the majority of the conversations we have with kids around sexual topics are super positive. We can focus on teaching healthy sexuality and healthy sexual behaviors, and teach them about sex in the context that we believe is good and beautiful. And we can do it frequently. It can be a normal topic that just comes up in conversation in our home (just like basketball, work, school, or friends come up in natural conversation). Then when we talk to them about pornography or answer difficult questions about sexuality and our views of morality, those messages won't outweigh the positive ones and cause them to feel shame for even feeling sexual urges or being curious about sex, or having their body become aroused at something. I think if they have a solid foundation of knowing that sexual arousal is a normal and healthy part of their body, that they won't have to freak out when it happens and think that they are inherently bad or dirty. Instead they can know their bodies are healthy and normal, and that there are positive ways they can direct those God-given feelings, rather than thinking they need to view pornography or engage in risky behavior to fulfill the urges and needs they are feeling.

The silent shame culture that many of us have experienced around sex, pornography, and bodies is very unhealthy. And we have the power to change that culture through the way we choose to learn about and view sexuality, and then passing that on to our younger generations! My 3 and 2 year olds know the correct terminology of their body parts. We talk about their private parts the same way we talk about their elbows, eyebrows, noses, and bellybuttons. Along with teaching them that those particular parts are special and private. I feel proud when my son talks about his penis, and feels so positive about every part of his body. I think it's cute and healthy when he starts making connections and asks us about men and women and their different parts. I'm proud that he understands and knows the difference between female and male parts, and that his view is so innocent. The last thing I want to do is to taint him and make him feel guilty for innocent curiosity and desire to learn about EVERYTHING (including every part of his body).

I'm also proud to be teaching my daughter the CORRECT terminology for her body! Women really get the short end of the stick in this area- because many adults don't even know the true correct terminology for their body parts. Some women don't even know what body parts they have! And that's normal in some of our conservative cultures. But if we want our young girls to grow up feeling confident about who they are, instead of embarrassed, we need to change that and teach them confidently about their amazing bodies.

Teaching kids correct terminology is not only an essential way of preparing them for healthy body image and healthy relationships in the future, but it is also an essential way of protecting our children in this scary world. Our kids need to be able to clearly communicate to us about their bodies and be able to ask us clear questions. They need to be able to explain to us if they have uncomfortable (or even sexually dangerous) interactions with other kids or adults.

Creating a silent and shameful stigma around pornography, the human body, and sex in general creates many unwanted results for so many people. These negative side effects include increased pornography usage, isolation, debilitating shame, and EVEN debilitating shame, isolation, and conflict in marriages! I come from a culture that believes soooo much in the sanctity of marriage. Yet many of us struggle in our intimate relationships because we have received so little sex education or have such intense feelings of shame and embarrassment around sex, that we can't be comfortable with our sexual relationships and our own bodies. And if we can't even be comfortable with sex in marriage, how can we have the incredibly binding and fulfilling experiences that God wants us to have with our husband or wife? Not only are these experiences fun, exciting, binding, and fulfilling, but they are a key part of a healthy, connected marriage.

Sex isn't yucky, shameful, and dirty. It's connection. It's a deep connection that humans crave. A desire for connection that is God-given. A connection that is so strong it can heal, bind, and sanctify husbands and wives and their marriages.

Let's do our part to change this culture and create better outcomes for our children. I want my kids to be confident in how God made their bodies, to believe that every part of their body is good, and to treasure expressing themselves sexually in their healthy marriages someday. Sex has such amazing power to lift, connect, and renew spouses and create a marriage that is secure, safe, comforting, passionate, exciting, and so fulfilling!

The Last Seven Months

The last seven months have challenged every part of me. From gradually realizing that something was wrong with my health, to having my perspective totally flipped upside down through education, to doubting, questioning, and reconstructing my identity and core values.

About a year ago, I was stressed to the point of breaking. And I broke. We caught every possible sickness that was traveling around that Winter (multiple times), and it ended with me getting mono. I felt so helpless, hopeless, and vulnerable. I cried a lot and just wanted my mom. She came to our rescue, and many family members and friends helped us through those hard times. I thought I was better and that life was moving on.

Back in October, I realized I wasn't imagining it: my face was swelling up. Looking at photos, I've been able to track it back to July. I noticed it every day, but nobody else seemed to, so I just kept ignoring it. When my parents visited, my dad lovingly pointed it out and asked if I was ok. That's when I realized I wasn't ok. I was really sick. I was always tired. I was totally fatigued. My head and eyes hurt very often. My mind often felt fuzzy and confused. I was embarrassed by how I looked- and by the fact that hardly anyone noticed how odd and different I looked. The bridge of my nose was super swollen, especially right between my eyes. Once I started talking about it more openly, some people admitted to noticing the difference. Other people still didn't seem to be able to see it.

The symptoms I've had seem to indicate some kind of immune system problem, which also seems connected to having mono, or even connected to dealing with intense chronic stress before that.

The next several months, up until now, have been filled with all kinds of things.

• Being in school, having my perspectives turned upside down, questioning who I am and what I believe.
• Being unable to wake up because my eyes and face feel so puffy.
• Wondering why, after investing my whole self into being a stay-home mother, I could crash and burn so badly.
• Studying the history of marriage and family, and suddenly feeling like what I have expected of myself as a stay-home mom is literally impossible! 
• Being so sick that I had to drop out of school for 6 weeks, doing almost no school work. Hoping I would pass at least one class after all the hard work I put into the first half of the semester.
• Feeling embarrassed about going back to class after being gone so much, and with my face looking so different.
• Thinking I'm getting better, finding out I'm pregnant, then having the health problems come flooding back.
• Wanting to be excited about our future, but instead feeling scared and hopeless.
• Multiple infections. Feeling like I catch every sickness I'm exposed to.
• Struggling with mental illness and feeling so, so confused. Wondering if other people trust me anymore, and whether or not I can trust myself anymore.
• Crying, struggling, and having the mental darkness take over right when I'm supposed to be getting ready for class. Deciding there's no way I can make it to class, when my husband swoops in and drives our whole family down to campus, so that we can talk in the car for an hour and I can make it to class.
• Wondering if I'll ever be able to finish something -like graduating. 
• Looking totally fine in public, and being totally not fine when alone. 
• Having to learn with being ok with my kids seeing me cry and struggle with mental health.
• Laying on my bed or couch for days or weeks without being able to walk around.
• FATIGUE.
• My body being extremely sensitive to everything- from body sprays, to animals, to plants and environmental factors, to medications, to face wash, etc.
• Mental fuzziness and confusion.
• Nausea. All kinds of nausea. 
• Body aches. Achey muscles. 
• Feeling like the project friend/family member.
• Being way too embarrassed to talk to friends or ask for help. Intense fear of being the friend who always unloads her personal baggage on others. Worrying people won't enjoy being around me anymore. Worrying that if a friend asked how I was doing, I would have a huge meltdown in front of them.
• Wishing I could be diagnosed with something. 
• Anxiety.
• Feeling trapped.
• Having intense physical reactions to medications. Medications that feel like modern-day torture. 
• Begging my doctor to let me stop the medications and telling him I'll drink several liters of straight 100% cranberry juice to fight the infection.
• Feeling like I'm at the doctor's office much more than I've ever been, yet feeling like it's not nearly enough. Yet I don't have energy to keep going.
• Deciding maybe the medication is worth it to help my mental health. Reacting badly to the medication.
• Constantly switching between feeling physically sick and mentally sick. It seems like when my body gets better, my mind gets worse, and visa versa. 
• Being challenged mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Feeling like my faith is on the verge of crisis.
• Wanting to connect with God, but feeling too sick to kneel. Praying in bed, again and again and again. Feeling too sick to focus on reading more than one verse of scripture.
• Feeling tons of mom guilt for laying on the couch and having my kids watch movies all day because I feel too sick to move. 
• Feeling that my kids deserve so much more than I'm even close to being able to give.
• Not being able to care for my or my family's basic needs.
• Seeing my sweet husband running around doing EVERYTHING. Seeing his exhaustion, even though he doesn't want me to see it. 
• Feeling starving and nauseous but being unable to imagine anything being edible, especially not anything in our house. Knowing that the longer I go without eating, the sicker I'll get. 
• Carrying around the silver sick bowl.
• Wondering what happened to the past me who felt so optimistic and hopeful about almost everything.
• Giving up things that are important to me. Like rehoming all of our animals and no longer being able to be a full-time student. 
• Dreading the day my husband starts his full-time job, even though it will be a huge blessing to us. 
• Coughing so hard it hurts and makes me nauseas. Feeling like a regular cold shouldn't wipe me out the way it did.
• Wanting to try something to improve my mental health (like going to school, getting out of the house, more therapy appointments, etc), but being too sick to actually do it.
• Feeling guilt for neglecting my church calling and for struggling to reach out and serve other people.

We've been stretched in new ways and have grown in new ways. In a lot of ways I feel weaker than ever, but in other ways, I know Heavenly Father is making me stronger, or at least more authentic. My testimony of who God is has changed. I've realized He is bigger and more all-knowing than I realized before. 

I'm grateful for a religion teacher who, when I was in 6th or 7th grade, taught us a goofy rhythm/song to remember this Bible verse:

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

I've come to really feel that God's ways are much, much higher than ours. I've realized I don't understand God the way I thought I did. And I no longer take statements about God lightly, especially when people assume they understand God. I've learned that He always understands us, but I doubt we often understand Him. Maybe He lets us have little glimpses of understanding, but I think He is much greater, bigger, and much more than we can really grasp. Yet, He gives us treasures of truth and keeps teaching us. And even though He is so big, I can still feel that He is a loving Father who knows us intimately.

I've learned that there is a safe place at church for people like me. And that in congregations where there isn't, there needs to be. "People like me" meaning people who have all kinds of questions, but few answers. People who have doubts, fears, and struggles. People who face crisis of faith. People who are questioning things they used to know so clearly. People who want to believe, but need extra help. People whose health sometimes makes it very hard for them to feel of God's spirit and love the way they used to. People who are learning to distinguish between traditions and culture and real truth from God. People who have gone from being the helper, to being the helped.

Yet, in moments of confusion, loneliness, and hopelessness, I've offered simple prayers and felt God's love for me. I've felt that He knows me and is aware of me.

At times I've worried about my faith, but at other times, I've realized it has become stronger. It is no longer the simple, yet unshakable faith of a teenager who has done the work to learn for herself. It is a faith that lives in paradox and harmony with struggle, opposition, questions, and growth. A more mature, yet imperfect faith, of a woman who has been living God's plan- to come to know good and evil through the experiences of life, and to learn about the joy of redemption, and to hope for eternal life with God through Jesus Christ (Moses 5:10-11).

I'm trying to learn that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, my mothering, my home, my church service, etc. I'm trying to learn to care more about what I think about myself, and to give myself more credibility. I'm especially trying to learn to care the most about what Heavenly Father sees in me.

I've always been one to try to look strong and to be terrified of people seeing me in weakness. I've learned to accept (kind of) the fact that I need help. Well- ok- "learned" is a huge overstatement. I'm trying to learn that. I think in life, and especially in marriage, we have to learn to be both the shepherd and the sheep at different times. The shepherd gives more than his fair share, and the sheep needs help, protection, and guidance, yet is able to give little in return. Jesus Christ has been my shepherd, and so has my sweet husband. Even in times so dark I haven't been able to see it.

I'm grateful for moments of clarity. Moments of peace. Moments of feeling God's love. Moments of remembering. Moments of learning. Moments of changing. Moments of smiling, laughing, being snuggled by cute kids, kissing chubby toddler cheeks, and being held by a dedicated spouse.

Caps, Gowns, and Motherhood

Recently watching my husband, sister, brother-in-law, cousins, and friends graduate from college got me thinking about reapplying and finishing my degree at BYU. Watching the graduation filled me with mixed emotions, the first being huge amounts of joy, gratitude, and pride for the accomplishments of my husband and loved ones. Another feeling was: Where are the caps, gowns, and ceremonies for all the mothers out there? Motherhood is rarely celebrated and rarely honored in our society. While toying with the idea of going back to school, I started working on my BYU Former Student Application. I was asked to write a short essay. Here was the prompt:

"Please explain why you now desire to return to the university. What have you accomplished in the time you were away that has prepared you to continue your university studies?"

At first this prompt could seem rather daunting to a mom who hasn't been to school or worked outside of her home for the past 3 years!!! Well.... I haven't completed more classes since then... I haven't received any recognitions, certificates, or even participation awards!!! I haven't gotten any good grades and I don't have any GPA to show for what I've been doing. The closest I have to a degree is my MRS. and MOM degrees....  Can I get an A grade for the work I do as a mom? Or maybe "A" for "Absolutely exhausted"?  Or a "B" for "Beautiful Babies"? Or even a D for "changed 30 Diapers in one day"??

Reflecting on this prompt and writing the follow essay was therapeutic for me and also taught me a lot. Here is the essay I wrote:

"I stopped attending school in 2016, having no idea that the new journey I was embarking on would be more challenging and educational than anything I had yet experienced at any university. My new journey: motherhood. My husband and I married in December 2015. In September 2016 our son was born! Fifteen months after that, our daughter was born! The past few years as a mother of young children with a husband in the engineering program have been the hardest of my life. The experiences have been stretching. My husband and I have felt immense joy, but the demands placed upon our shoulders often felt like more than we could bear. We learned to intentionally invested in our relationship, in raising our children, and in gospel living. My husband graduated yesterday with his civil engineering degree. No one was more proud than I was. What have I accomplished in the past few years that has prepared me to continue at BYU? I have mentally disciplined myself to a new level, as I have birthed two beautiful babies naturally without any medications or pain relief. I have spent countless sleepless nights comforting and nurturing babies, while receiving strength beyond my own. I have overcome feelings of loneliness, isolation, and insignificance as a mother that I was completely unprepared for. I have learned to stand up for my beliefs that motherhood is important, even when those around me doubt its significance or fail to see the sacrifice that motherhood truly entails. I have learned to sacrifice personal dreams and goals in order to hold my family together. I have lifted and strengthened young mothers on their path through sharing what I have learned through my motherhood education. I have learned that the most important things I will do in this life will not be honored with ceremonies, caps, gowns, or degrees. I have learned that I can do things that stretch me beyond what I thought possible. I have learned that with the Lord on my side, I can do anything He needs me to do. "

Since writing this essay, I have been studying the question of whether to continue at school in my mind, in prayer, in the scriptures, and in the words of modern prophets. 

I came across these lines from a talk by Elder Quentin L. Cook. He talks about how the decisions of whether to work or be at home as a mother are very personal: 

"First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. 

Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances. 

Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions."

The more I have studied and prayed, the more I have felt that what I am doing at home is more important than anything I could do at a university or even in the workplace. The decision is personal for everyone, but I just want to say to all women: Heavenly Father will lead and guide you in your unique path! Whatever you do, people will judge you, you will sometimes go unappreciated or unseen, but as long as you are following what you know God wants you to do, your contributions and work are eternally significant and valuable. 

Let's love and support each other, let's not judge, and let's acknowledge that what each of us is doing is important. Let's celebrate each other! But let's also learn to keep doing what needs to be done, even when there is no guaranteed celebration, recognition, or appreciation. The Lord loves us and will reward us each for the labors of love we do for Him.

A Metamorphosis and Lessons Being Learned

This past semester has been one of intense and deep learning for me. When I say semester, it's not because I'm in school, but because my husband is in school- and thus my life is also segmented into semesters. My husband's classes have been difficult, as engineering classes always are, but they haven't been his very very most challenging classes. Yet it has been probably the hardest semester for us. I think mostly because it has been a really important time in my life- a time of metamorphosis. A time that I close one door behind me and open another door in front of me. And learn to do it with joy, gladness, and gratitude, and without remorse, resentment, discouragement, and depression. A time to learn what it really means to be a mother and homemaker. And a time to develop deeper more passionate feelings towards those titles than I have ever done before.

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts, but I hope that I can put into words some of the things I have learned these past several months, as well as the experiences that have helped me to learn them.

One of the posts I made towards the beginning of this journey was about learning to be selfless as a mom, without entirely forgetting who God made me to be, and without forgetting my unique personality and talents. Click here to see the post. It was an epiphany for me that as a mom, I can schedule time for myself to recharge! And that my personality and interests are an important part of my identity. I have since learned more lessons that have blessed me greatly.

I have learned that scheduled time for myself helps me recharge and be a better wife and mom.

I have learned that igniting passion in one area of my life can help me to spread that passion to other areas of my life. Meeting Sarah Chapman and reading her book MindStrength taught me that succeeding in one area of life (that we are likely to succeed in) can help us find strength, courage, and confidence to make changes and succeed in other areas of our life too. For example, meeting a goal to simply go to the gym 3 times a week, then 5 times a week, then becoming a kettlebell trainer, helped Sarah to take initiative and have confidence in changing her family relationships, and to become a more true version of herself. Similarly, I gained confidence in myself as I saw improvement in my horseback riding each lesson. This confidence helped me become more confident in my interactions with other people, with my children, and also helped me in my marriage to feel like a more true and confident version of myself.

I have learned that there are necessity me times and there are treat me times. When I first started horseback riding lessons, I felt like it was a lifeline of sorts. I was so self conscious and felt so vulnerable when I would go to the stable. I worried what people thought of me, whether I was interesting to get to know, and about countless other things. It was one of the most vulnerable things I have done in a while. It sounds silly, but I had been in full blown mommy mode for the past 2 years, and hadn't gotten out of the house to do something like that in a long time. The horseback riding has been a big blessing to me. It helped me find confidence in myself again. In some ways it helped me dig down and find my identity again. It helped me remember that I am an excited, passionate person, with lots of dreams. Working with horses helped me get through a couple of really hard months.

However, after learning many of the things I have recently learned, I have gotten to a point that now I feel the lessons are simply a treat. I enjoy them very much, but the idea of letting go of them to save money doesn't devastate me in any way. A few months ago, the thought of stopping lessons made me feel like I was about to burry myself under a dump truck load of dirt and forget the confidence and excitement that were just barely beginning to bloom inside of me. The confidence that was blooming was just barley sprouting and was very vulnerable and delicate. Now I feel that I have turned into a stronger person, and I am excited and ready to move on and let the riding lessons go for the time being. I'm not saying in any way that once a mom (or any person) feels emotionally and mentally healthy that they should give up hobbies and time for themselves! no way! Scheduled time for ourself is important to maintain our health and to be our best self! But I do believe that the essential "me" time for me is taking time to do something like reading, walking, running, going to the library, blogging, going shopping, learning a language, or studying my online course. And that the expensive hobbies are more of a treat. Everyone is different, and I don't believe we can determine what is essential and what is a treat for someone else. But I'm learning to differentiate those things for myself. And I'm also learning that different times of life, with different situations, require different things.

I've learned that where your treasure lies, there will your heart lie also. This principle was put into words for me in this article. It struck me deeply that I always want my treasure to be my family. I want my heart and my treasure to be at home. I found that as I got more and more excited about my own hobbies, my thoughts and fantasies began wandering to horseback riding competitions, living on a big plot of land and having horses roam around, teaching my kids to ride horses. I don't believe that any of these dreams are unrighteous or unachievable. But they are not my present life. And it's not possible for them to be my present life, without some kind of wild and intense sacrifice, like taking out a huge mortgage, spending days and days and days and weeks away from my family. What struck me most was that dreaming about these things took my mind away from being present with my kids. They could be right next to me, wanting my love and affection, and if my mind was wandering far far from home, I missed the opportunity to bask in their loving gaze, their wet kisses, and their little hugs and cuddles. I don't want to miss out on my children's love, friendship, playtime, etc. I don't mean to say that no moms should spend time away from home. But I do think it's important to recognize where our heart and desires lie. Because that is where our treasure lies too. For some moms, they need to work and go to school, or do other time consuming things. But they long to be home. They long to have time with their family. Their treasure is their family. In the case of dreaming about another world- a world where I can do whatever I want- that doesn't draw me closer to my family, and it also doesn't make me happier. I know now more than ever before that nothing in this world can make me happier than following Jesus Christ and nurturing my relationships with my husband and children. They are my treasure!

Another lesson: harmonious passion.
This is a lesson my husband learned in a class and shared with me. There is such a thing as inhibited passion, as well as obsessive passion. Harmonious is the beautiful in-between. It is the "bridled" passion, I would say. (Bridling passion is also a concept I have thought a lot about- especially with it's inherent analogy with horses. I'll talk about that next.) Inhibited passion is when we try to bury feelings of passion. Perhaps this is what I felt when I was dealing with depressing feelings and resentment towards housework. I felt that for the past several years, I had been burying my personal passions. I had served a mission, had children, gone through the new baby months and years. These were all things I was passionate about. But I felt that part of me- the passionate excited Erica who loved doing unconventional things like playing the tuba, riding horses, and learning as many foreign languages as possible- had been buried and lost. And for no reason except that I hadn't recognized my need for scheduled me time. Inhibiting passions is very different than bridling passions, because it isn't the healthy way to deal with passions. Even unhealthy passions- like sexual passions outside of marriage, rather than being simply pent up, can be bridled and directed into something good- like passion to get life in order and work towards a happy marriage someday, or expressing oneself through talents. Obsessive passion is the kind of passion that drives you to do more and more and more, beyond what is well balanced and even beyond what brings you true happiness. Harmonious passion is the beautiful balance where joy and progress bloom and flourish. When you are able to express your passion, and guide it (bridle it) in the right direction, the excitement and joy you feel begins to enlighten other areas of your life as well! Feeling passionate about a song you are listening to can make you feel excited about doing house work, and make you feel passionate about your spouse. Having a passionate relationship in marriage can make you more excited about being a mom, more energetic about doing your school work, and more creative in your hobbies.


Bridled passion. This is something I've thought about a lot since working with horses, and especially since attending an Andrea Bocelli Concert with my husband. Seeing the passion that Andrea Bocelli sang with made me feel very deeply that passion is an important part of life. If we buried all our passions, then art, music, children, talents, productivity, inspiration, invention, progression, math, science, faith, etc, etc, etc wouldn't exist or at least wouldn't thrive. This brings me to the horse analogy.

Here the horse represents our passion, the rider represents us, and the bridle represents bridling our passions. What is the purpose of a bridle? It's used for a rider to communicate with their horse. After doing research, I learned that the bit (the metal piece that goes inside of the horse's mouth) actually causes discomfort for the horse, encouraging the horse to move away from uncomfortable pressure and do as the rider asks. If a rider continuously uses harsh pressure on the bit, the horse gets used to harsh correction and eventually rebels or becomes less and less sensitive. Similarly, if we use harsh overcorrections to direct our passions, we may struggle to learn how to use them in balance. Or if we use too little pressure and are too timid, the horse won't respond and learn what we are asking. This could be compared to inhibited or obsessive passion. We may not appreciate our passion, and see it as something that is constantly in our way, like the horse that doesn't respond or understand what we are asking. We may wish we didn't have any passions. Or we may become obsessive with our passions, constantly trying new extremes and feeling unsatisfied. On the other hand, many riders choose to respect their horses and strive to communicate clearly through the bit, but then use less and less pressure on the bit until the horse becomes responsive to the lightest touch. Many riders even choose to use a bit-less bridle, removing the painful metal piece from the horse's mouth, but still having the security of a bridle to guide the horse. Beyond that, some riders create such trusting and secure relationships with their horse, that they ride without bit or bridle. Using either nothing at all around the horses head and neck, or a simple rope loosely around the horses neck. These riders can move their body position ever so slightly, as if they were going to turn in a certain direction or speed up or slow down, and the horse responds as if it were an extension of the rider's body. They have created a oneness between rider and horse. I think that is the ultimate goal for us in bridling our passions. Being able to direct our passions- to use them as powerful and responsive motors to move us in the right direction, that can be controlled with the simplest thought or feeling. Then we have the power to gallop, to walk, to stop, to turn, without fear of losing control, but with the glorious driving force that passions bring into our lives.

For an audio and visual demonstration of what passion is, see these videos of Andrea Bocelli songs:
Click here to hear the song "If Only" that I believe demonstrates the beauty of passion for life and  for romantic love, and here "Fall on Me" that expresses passion for trusting family relationships.

Another lesson I've learned came from a wise, loving grandmother. She talked about how in different phases of life, we close a door on the life behind us, and open a door to the life ahead of us. Her example teaches me about being present, grateful, and proactive. I have to say, hearing her words about closing doors was one of the hardest things I've had to hear these past few months. Because it meant I had to stop being selfish. Before becoming a mother, almost everything I have done in my life has been for myself. As a mother, almost everything I do in my life is for others. The image in my mind of a door closing on my past life brought out surprising feelings. But it was exactly what I needed. The reason I struggled so much this semester is because there was a constant battle inside of me. One that longed to be there for my family, to be fully present, fully invested, and another part of me that longed desperately to be cared for by someone else. To be independent. To have the freedom to do whatever I chose, just because I wanted to. To hold onto some kind of self interest. This was a turning point for me. I realized that there really is balance. There is time for me to pursue dreams, hobbies, and interests, but it's so important that my priority is always my family. My kids depend on me! Everything about them is wired to depend on me for the majority of their spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional nurturing. I must never lose sight of the importance and eternal significance of my calling as a mother. I am learning to be more present and more grateful and more joyful in motherhood.

Another lesson (something I have learned as I have reflected on my conversation with this wise grandmother): I can choose to be an agent instead of a victim. Rather than feeling completely overwhelmed and trapped, believing that I have to wait for someone to come save me (usually my husband) from drowning in dishes and having no social interaction, I can act! I can get my baby girl in the high chair with snacks, I can have my 2 year old rinse dishes, and I can get dishes done! I can pack up the kids and go meet up with a friend for a play date! I can pack up the kids and go learn something new at the library. I can choose how to make my days. That is so empowering about being a mom. I get to choose how to live my life every single day! I get to choose to empower and teach my children, and to help them grow into hard working, grateful, resourceful individuals.

I have learned more of what it means to be a homemaker. You know that wonderful feeling of walking into a home where you really feel like you belong? A home filled with memories, experiences, love, warmth, good food, happy sounds, etc. It finally, finally, dawned on me that I have the power to create that home for my own children! I get to choose how it will be! I get to give that beautiful, essential, life-forming gift to them! Homemaking does include housework, but it also includes laughing, teaching, snuggling, reading, and whatever is important to you and your family! A reading chair, a music room, a place to chat, a home where Jesus' name is cherished and loved, where kind words are shared.

From reading excerpts of  Jaroldeen Edwards' book Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner, I am being reminded that defining homemaking as "dirty dishes and dirty diapers" is the farthest thing from true! This definition discounts the hugs, smiles, beautiful little eyes, snuggles, warm little bodies, teaching opportunities, the beautiful light and joy that children bring anywhere they go, that are all part of motherhood. Even the dishes and diaper changing are significant and can be joyful.


The biggest lesson: being a wife, a mother and homemaker are glorious, beautiful, eternal parts of who I am. I can choose to find joy in these things. And if I do choose to find joy in these things, they will bring me greater joy now and in the eternities than anything else ever could. Nothing has the potential to bring me the amount of joy and fulfillment that these treasures do. I'm grateful for this hard, stretching, joyful, meaningful, glorious metamorphosis of being a mom.

Moms: Losing Yourself Without Forgetting Yourself

I've recently been thinking about a paradox that has been brought to my attention throughout my time being a mom.

It begins with this verse from the Bible:

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:25


I feel very strongly that mothers really live this scripture verse! I can think of few others who "lose their life" for Christ's sake in the way that mothers do.

On the other hand, there have been times I have felt I have lost myself in a way that just doesn't feel quite right...

Talking to a friend:
Friend: So, what have you been up to lately?
(I think about my last couple of days: changed lots of diapers, took naps while trying to get the kids to sleep, cleaned the house a billion times but it looks like it hasn't been cleaned in a year, played with toys, read children's books, almost drowned in dirty laundry, kissed lots of owwies.)
Me: Uhhh.... Not much.
Friend: What do you like to do?
Me: Uhh..... I don't really do anything. Change diapers?..Wait! I like to play trucks! ...and draw BIG dragons!!! ... Does that count?


I really DO love playing trucks and drawing big dragons- because it makes my son Eli SOOOO happy! I love making my kids happy, and making sure they are taken care of, and nurturing them, and giving them my full attention, and just being there for them! Nothing I have ever done has brought more meaning to my life than being a wife and mother.

But there have been times since becoming a mom that I've felt like maybe I've lost myself a little too much. This has caused me a lot of confusion. I'm supposed to lose myself in service, right??

In some ways, becoming a mother has changed me in ways that have made me feel more like my true self -the self that God intends me to eventually become. I have been more refined, stretched, and strengthened than ever before. Motherhood has required me to become more selfless than ever before. I've learned to put my kids needs above my own desires at many times. I've learned to find balance, and simplify life so that I can focus on the things that really, really matter to me- and that really bring me joy. My marriage has been strengthened and I treasure my marriage and husband more than ever before. And our kids bring us SO much joy!

But on those days that I can't even remember what I like to do, I sometimes don't feel like myself anymore.

Tonight a few things clicked in my mind.

But I have to give a little background info first-

Ever since having kids, I feel like I've kind of been searching for some kind of hobby or interest. Something to make me feel unique again. And to make me feel like I'm learning and growing. I've jumped around and tried several things. But I've often felt that somehow I have lost the Erica that I used to be before becoming a mom.

Recently, during our summer vacation in Virginia, my parents put together an opportunity for me and my husband to ride horses! Riding horses is something I always dreamt of doing as a kid, and then had the opportunity to get involved in when I was around 11-16. I took lessons, and we even owned/shared a horse for a while. When I moved at age 16, I kind of left it all behind me and didn't have the same opportunities anymore.

When we rode in Virginia, I felt like my old self again. Riding was so therapeutic! And afterwards, my sister and parents said things like, "It's so good to see Erica on a horse again." And my husband was so surprised to see a part of me he had never seen before! It made him happy to see me light up and enjoy myself like that.

It made me realize that riding horses is something that could make me feel like my old self again. It could make me feel like Erica. But while considering the costs and sacrifices of riding horses, I've been questioning whether it is worth it. ...Is it ok to spend 2-3 hours away from my kids each week to go be with horses- just because it's something I want to do, and because I need some time to myself??? Is it really worth it to spend money just so I can go enjoy myself and pursue an interest?? Is it ok to let someone else watch my kids for a little while so I can take that time???
...Are people going to think I'm a bad mom?

Mom's can feel guilty about anything. (I guess it's some kind of special skill!! ....)

My husband has always been so supportive of me! And after seeing me ride a horse, he started encouraging me to think about taking lessons. While walking tonight with my husband, I was expressing all of these fears/doubts/confusions to him. He said something that just made everything click in my mind.

He reminded me that President Russell M. Nelson (Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), who I believe whole-heartedly to be a man of God, likes to ski! Last General Conference, several of the apostles lovingly and teasingly referred to how President Nelson likes to ski (even being 94 years old!) and that he even took his grandchildren skiing (because his own children were too old!)! They joked about having problems keeping him off the slopes!

I remember listening to conference, and finding out that President Nelson likes to ski. I thought it was so fun- it made me want to get to know President Nelson more! It struck me: the fact that President Nelson skis does not make him any less dedicated to the Lord, or to serving members of the Church and all people of the world! In fact, knowing that he skis makes him seem so human- so personable, so fun, so real, so relatable. I respect him and follow him, knowing that he is a prophet of God. But knowing he skis makes me want to get to know him just for who he is!


(President Nelson is the second from the right)

As a mom, having personal interests doesn't make me any less dedicated to my family. It makes me more human- it makes me more approachable, more personable, more real! It makes me fun to get to know. It helps me talk to other people and connect with them. It even benefits my children- it gives them a mom who can let go of the stresses of everyday life and be fun! It gives them a mom who loves life, who cherishes her time with them, and who can be more present at home because she is reassured that she will have time for herself later.

Just like the men and women of God who lead the Church have interests and hobbies, we moms can (and should) have interests and hobbies too (whether reading a book, skiing, sewing, cooking, yoga, karate, talking with a friend, etc). We can serve our family, and still take care of ourselves.

Losing ourself in the service of our families is truly a noble cause. But Heavenly Father doesn't want us to forget ourselves. He doesn't want us to constantly put our own needs, well being, emotional health, and even interests on the back burner. He wants us to take care of ourselves, and to nurture the interests, talents, and hobbies that He planted within us. He made each of us unique. He made each of us fun, interesting, and exciting. He wants us to be excited about getting to know ourselves and others, and about learning new things and developing our talents.

So, I'm starting to understand that there is a way to lose myself in service to my children without forgetting to take care of and nurture myself.

Eli's Birth

When I was at 37 weeks, I felt ready to have my baby. After asking my midwives and having them tell me that my baby was at the point that he could safely be born, I was doing a lot to encourage labor to start- mostly walking a lot. I had walked a lot throughout my whole pregnancy, and I think it really helped me. My contractions started sometime around 37 weeks. For a whole day I would feel them, but they would always fade away by the end of the day or night. They were never really predictably consistent, but would continue on and off for a whole day or a whole night. I knew they were contractions and were actually doing something, rather than just being Braxton hicks. When I had Braxton hicks, my whole abdomen just got really tight, then released. These contractions I was feeling felt crampy and sometimes made me feel suddenly really warm or a little nauseous. They weren't intense and were very manageable. It excited me to think that my baby might be coming really soon. Those crampy contractions continued on and off for a few weeks until I was around 39 weeks.

Six days before my "due date" -it was about 10pm- I felt a sudden contraction that was stronger than the ones I had felt before, and my water broke. It wasn't a big gush of water, more like a trickle. But I felt like I instinctually knew what it was. We called our midwife and let her know. She said that if it really was the water that had broken, we would want to have the baby within twenty four hours (to decrease chance of infection). She also thought it could have been some other liquid and not really my water breaking. She told us to keep her posted and recommended I try to rest.

A little while after my water broke, I started to feel contractions come and go. They weren't painful or intense, but they kept me awake the whole night. Normally I can sleep through pretty much anything. :) I spent the whole night sitting up in bed, with my iPod earbuds in my ears, listening to my birth playlist. (My husband had set up a playlist for me with all the songs I wanted! So nice!:D) I knew that music really helped me relax, so that had been part of our birth plan/prep. At many times during that night, I would become so relaxed and absorbed in the music that I would be on the verge of sleep, but wouldn't quite fall completely asleep because of another contraction coming. I tried timing the contractions several times, but they weren't consistent. Sometimes they were close together, other times they were ten minutes apart. The contractions required my concentration after a while. They were getting strong enough that I would have to focus on just breathing really deeply during them, and relaxing my body between them. It was kind of dream like. I was nervous, but really excited to finally meet our little boy! My husband slept- I wanted him to have energy for the next day- but was always willing to wake up and help if I needed anything.

By morning, around 8am (I think we called our midwife again at some point in there), I was so relaxed that I actually just fell asleep! I slept from 8am until 10am. When I woke up, I realized that I wasn't even having contractions anymore. We called the midwife and she asked us to meet her at the birth center at noon. She wanted to check and see if my water had really broken. If it hadn't broken, there was no need to have the baby now. If it had broken, she told me she would like the baby to be born within 24 hours of the time it had broken.

We drove to the birth center- at this point I really wasn't having any contractions, so it was easy to get things ready to go. When we got there at noon, my midwife did a little test to see if my water had broken. She just wiped a little paper/swab or something around the area, and said if it was amniotic fluid, it would change to a certain color. It didn't really show up as definite amniotic fluid, but I knew it was! They decided to test again, and I think they asked for permission to feel the baby. They found that the baby was actually really close, and that it really was the water that had broken. I felt really encouraged when they told me my cervix was already mostly effaced. I knew the contractions the weeks before had really accomplished a lot!

The midwife and her assistant told me they'd like to try some things to help my contractions get started again. (PS: I had gotten to meet all of the midwives at the birth center, and had specifically wanted this midwife. They were really willing to make that work, and I was so glad it all worked out and I got to have her as my midwife for the birth! I also loved the women who were assisting!) They listed the options, and mentioned that castor oil usually worked the best but also tended to make you nauseus. I told them that castor oil was my last pick and I'd rather try the other things first. After trying an herbal tincture and other things, we finally settled on the castor oil. They made it into an awesome smoothie with guava (? I think...) nectar and almond butter. It tasted pretty good but was still hard to get down since I knew the castor oil was in it.

The midwives asked us to go on a little walk, so we walked around the block of the birth center.

For the next few hours, from about 2pm to 4pm, I sat on the nice comfy bed next to my husband, listening to my music. The birth center was so beautiful and peaceful! We had our own room, and it had a big tub with a beautiful mural painted behind it of a river and trees. The window was right next to the bed and warm sunlight was coming through, and we could hear a train passing every once in a while. The whole thing felt really dreamy! haha

During those hours, it probably looked like nothing was happening from the outside, but I could tell my body was doing a lot of work. I was focused on relaxing and trying to rest before labor got more intense. At one point, the midwife came in and asked us if we would go out and do something- like watch a movie. She said that sometimes when labor is taking a while to start, it helps to take your mind off of it, and she didn't want us to get discouraged by just waiting around. As soon as she left the room, I told my husband that I didn't want to go anywhere! I knew that things were really starting to move along and I could tell that my body would be working really hard really soon. We decided we would try to just go outside and take a little walk again.

As we left our room and started walking down the stairs to leave the birth center, I had to stop half way down the stairs with a really strong contraction. I told my husband I didn't want to go anywhere and we headed back to our room. From there things started moving quickly!

From 4pm to 8pm are kind of a blur, and it all seemed to go by really fast!

At 4pm my contractions started becoming very strong. They were getting very close together and were quickly getting very intense. (Note: My contractions were never really consistent until this point. I had never been able to time them and find a pattern of every ten minutes or every five minutes. And at this point, they were so close together that there was no need in timing them. I was happy about how this all worked out because I had never liked the idea of timing contractions.) My husband called our doula and she said she would head right over. She had come to the birth center shortly after 12:00 when we first got there, but after we realized my labor might take a while to start, we told her to go ahead and go spend time with her family and that we would let her know when we needed her.

I kept sitting on the bed and was really having to focus on just breathing and trying to let my body relax. Our doula arrived and instantly dimmed the lights, asked what scent it was I had liked, and soon the room smelled like relaxing lavender. After a while, she and the midwife encouraged me to try changing positions. They suggested laying on my side. I was really reluctant but tried. I felt like I was losing control of my body and I was sure that if I moved, my body would start moving things along a lot faster. As soon as I got onto my side, I had to run to the bathroom and throw up.

I'm not exactly sure what order all of the next things happened in...

I know I spent several hours in the restroom and lost everything that was in my stomach. That time, however long it was -I think it was an hour or so- was the hardest part for me. When contractions would come, I would try to brace myself with my arms, while still letting my body relax. The contractions would completely overwhelm me. I spent a lot of time just praying and asking for help to relax and have faith, instead of letting fear take over. Because I felt like I was slowly losing control of keeping my mind calm, and I at times felt panicky and wondered if I could go on. I really understood why a woman would choose to have pain relief during birth! I also remember feeling encouraged when I realized that I had hit the point that I thought I couldn't go on any longer. I remembered learning that a lot of women feel that way when they are in transition, so I realized I was really close to meeting my baby boy!

 I had closed myself in the restroom because I was self conscious, but my wonderful doula suggested to my husband that he knock on the door and check on me. He and the doula came in and they helped me so much! Whenever a contraction came, the doula would use counter pressure on my knees. My husband would put a cool wet wash cloth on my face and encourage me and tell me how great I was doing.

 At some point in the restroom, the midwives (midwife and assistants) came in and wanted to give me an IV. I really didn't want it. They said since it was getting close to the 24 hours from when my water had broken, it would be safer to have the IV to prevent infection. I gave them my wrist. After a few tries, they weren't able to find a vein, and asked if they could feel the baby. When they felt his head, they said, "He's right there!" They decided that it wouldn't be too long before he was born, so they didn't worry about giving me the IV, which made me very relieved and grateful.

People have asked me if labor hurts. It's different for everyone, but I wouldn't describe it as painful. I would describe the labor I was in from 4-8pm as a lot of intense feelings and sensations that completely overwhelmed me. I've never surfed, but labor kind of felt like being carried by ocean waves. Early labor was like drifting over round waves that never really crash, but just keep rolling again and again, lifting you up and down. The active, intense labor was like I was being carried by huge waves, that seemed to get taller every time, and I kept feeling afraid they would suddenly come crashing down. I felt completely out of control, but I knew that my body knew what it was doing and I had to just surrender myself, try to relax, and let the waves keep coming.

Later I remember kneeling on a pad the doula had brought, and leaning against the birth ball, with my arms resting on the ball. Between contractions I would just try to relax. I was really vocal, which surprised me because I'm kind of a quiet person and was sure that I wouldn't make a lot of noise during labor. Haha:) During contractions I would say, "Ohhhhhhh" and try to keep my voice at a low pitch. It was like a sign for my doula, and as soon as she heard me, she would start putting counter pressure on my hips, which was completely heavenly. Between contractions I would say, "Ahhhhhhh"  and the doula would massage my legs and feet, or whatever part of me was tense, with lotion. She would also give my husband instructions to get more cool water and put the cloth on my forehead. He was always right by me, encouraging me. It made so much difference! My husband and my doula were my heroes!

Apparently I was on my knees like that for an hour or so and it really helped the baby to descend and for labor to happen faster.

Between contractions I would sometimes joke with my husband and our doula, or I would just relax. Between contractions I was vaguely aware of what people were saying and my body would instantly feel relief and relax. During contractions I wouldn't really notice what anybody else was saying or doing. I was in the zone! Labor kind of puts you in your own world. You become really focused and your attention all turns inward to what's going on in your body.

At some point I remember that I knocked over a glass of water on the floor, and I think someone else spilled something too, and the whole floor was covered in water. When the midwife came in, the doula joked about how we had spilled everything, and I said, "We mopped the floor for you!"

Also, between contractions I would ask the midwife, "Can I go in the tub now?" They didn't want me to get in too soon because it could slow down the contractions and slow down the progress. I also remember one of the midwives commenting, "Is she really in labor? It doesn't seem like it!" because I was so calm on the outside. That encouraged me and made me smile. There were lots of little moments when my husband or doula would say something that would make me smile or laugh, and those little moments made a big difference to me.

While laboring on my knees, I started feeling the strangest sensation! It was like my whole body was pushing and I had no control over it. It felt like suddenly my whole body would thrust downwards, and it was so strong that it would make my body jolt backwards. I was confused by it, but couldn't really talk. My doula noticed and told the midwife, "It looks like she is having some involuntary pushing." I tried to confirm that- I think I just nodded or something. It was really helpful to hear her say that and explain what I was feeling.

Finally, the midwives had the tub filled and told me I could get in!! I was so excited that I remember we all laughed at how eager I was! When I finally got in, I felt a huge relief! Somehow it relieved a lot of pressure and weight. It made me feel so relaxed and light. The water was super warm too.

My heroic doula helped position me on my knees with a towel under my knees, and continued putting counter pressure on my hips during every contraction. My sweet husband was right by me encouraging me, and he smiled at me whenever I opened my eyes to see him.

I got in the tub around 8pm, and our baby was born around 8:12! So I wasn't in the water for more than 20ish minutes.

I remember one of the midwives helping me reach down to feel the baby's head. She told me to help guide him out as he was crowning. I didn't really know how to do that, and since my pushing was completely involuntary, I couldn't slow it down or control it well. The next thing I knew, his little head was out! It was really exciting! At this point, I wasn't really feeling overwhelmed or scared or anything anymore. I was feeling more in control and was feeling really excited. I don't remember pushing being painful or hard. I just remember how excited I was. I think I was really high on adrenaline and hormones, so I was feeling exhausted, but good!

When his head was out, the midwife asked me to push just a little, so she could unwrap the chord from around his neck. Then she said that with the next push, she'd like me to push the whole baby out. I did! And the next thing I knew, I was being helped to turn around and sit in the tub, and our beautiful baby boy was placed on my chest!!! It was the hugest sense of relief and euphoria. Everything seemed perfect and calm and happy.

I got to sit there with him for a while. The midwife had me blow on his face to help him start breathing more. After a while, the midwives said they'd like to move me to the bed, and that we could either keep the baby attached to me and I could keep holding him, or we could cut the chord and let daddy hold him. Since the chord had already stopped pulsing (delivering oxygen to the baby), I said we could cut it and let daddy have a turn holding him. It was the happiest thing in the world to see my husband holding our new little baby.

After that my husband and I got to lay on the bed for hours while holding our sweet new baby. The midwives helped me deliver the placenta. They asked me to push, but I felt like as hard as I tried, my body was so tired that my push was super weak! But it came out just fine, and delivering the placenta wasn't painful at all. I hardly felt it. The doula and midwives helped me start nursing the baby, and he did great! That was such a peaceful, wonderful time. The midwives didn't even take baby to weigh him or anything until after we'd had an hour or so of time with him! Then they weighed him and did his footprints. While we were on the bed, I had to get some stitches. I tore quite a bit, and in odd places, not in the common place (the perineum). Usually having more controlled, slower pushing, helps prevent tearing. I think since my body pushed him out so fast, and I didn't really have control over it, I was more prone to tearing. It didn't hurt at all when it happened. I think my body was experiencing so much at the same time, and I was feeling really good from lots of natural hormones, that I didn't even feel it when it happened! Getting stitched up wasn't fun. It was hard to stay relaxed because my body had just been through so much and was exhausted. But I got to hold my baby and feed him while they were stitching, and the midwives were really gentle and kind, and I had my husband right next to me too.

It was all really wonderful. We went home that same night. Everything was so peaceful! Peace just radiated from our new little son. My husband and I were just in heaven!! The whole experience was challenging, but so rewarding and incredible. It left me feeling so empowered, fulfilled, and peaceful.

My husband and our new little baby, right in front of the tub where he was just born:

I never knew babies could show so much expression on their first day of life, until we tried turning the car lights on to take a picture of him on the way home from the birth center. As soon as the light was on, he made this face: (it just melted our hearts!)

Home together as a new family of three!

Building Families Upon Faith in Christ

Faith: "Confidence in something or someone. As most often used in the scriptures, faith is confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that lead a person to obey Him. Faith must be centered in Jesus Christ in order for it to lead a person to salvation." -Guide to the Scriptures

Today it has been 6 months that I have been married to my best friend!

We both agree that it has been the most peaceful and happy 6 months of our lives so far! Recently I've felt a strong desire to express gratitude for the many miracles we have already seen in our life together, and reflecting on this has brought me back to a simple gospel principle: faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. It has been confirmed over and over again to me that a life of peace and joy comes from building our personal life and family life upon faith in Jesus Christ. 

Faith precedes the miracle.

 I am a big believer in miracles. Miracles of all shapes and sizes. But I know that faith does not come from witnessing miracles. But miracles do follow when we exercise faith in Jesus Christ. Because He is the worker of miracles. As we have faith in Him, we allow Him to touch our hearts and lives. And with the Master's touch, our hearts and lives change in ways that are miraculous.

Jesus Christ has worked miracles in my life, and I feel that I can express my gratitude to Him by inviting others to follow Him. To do this, I'd like to share some of my own experiences in which my faith in Christ has lead to witnessing Him work miracles in my life.

When I graduated high school, choosing which college to attend was a challenge. I had three incredible options: BYU (in Utah), BYU (in Idaho), and BYU (in Hawaii)! I knew each option was very good, but I also knew I would have very different experiences depending on which one I went to. I also felt strongly that there were people I needed to meet and that which school I went to would determine the people I met. It was an act of faith for me to decide to go to BYU-Hawaii. I had no idea what it would be like! I had never even been to Hawaii (or that far from home) until Mom and I landed there to drop me off for my first semester. I feel like this was an important first step for me in learning more about faith. 

We learn in the scriptures that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (the Bible, Hebrews 11:1). For me this evidence of things not seen is often a feeling. As I prayed about attending BYU-Hawaii, there was no visible evidence that it was the right thing for me. (Although most people would think that Hawaii is obviously a great choice for anyone:)) I had no way of seeing what would happen when I got there, or what the results of the decision would be. But as I prayed about the decision, I felt a sense of peace. This feeling of peace gave me courage to go forward with my decision. And I remember having the feeling that I would meet someone important at BYU-H.

My husband and I first met at Brigham Young University-Hawaii, during my first semester there! Of all the places, we met in a Chinese 101 class, taught by his dad! Seth and I were both pretty shy, but we got to know each other a little in class, became friends, and I remember feeling really comfortable and peaceful around him. We didn't spend a lot of time together, but just saw each other in class, at church, and occasionally ran into each other around the neighborhood. 

Over my next several semesters at BYU-Hawaii, I met lots of great people, and dated a variety of people too. Seth received his mission call to serve as a full-time missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Korea! 

Meanwhile, I dated someone pretty seriously and actually got engaged. In my mind, it was the perfect path for me. But I kept having this feeling of anxiousness and uncertainty that I couldn't explain. I prayed and prayed, and instead of feeling more peace, I felt less and less peace. As I began to feel less peace, I realized that not everything in my relationship was as ideal as I was telling myself it was, even though he was a great person. But I didn't want to accept that. When I prayed, hoping for a confirmation that what I was doing (planning to get married) was the right thing for me, I instead felt a feeling that said to me, "You can go ahead with it, but this isn't the best path for you." 

This was a turning point in my life. I could go forward with what made sense to me (and what I thought I really, really wanted), or I could follow this feeling I had that I should pursue a different path. It felt to me like following that unknown path would be like taking a plunge into the dark- because I had no idea where it would take me or where I would end up. But I wanted to feel peace again. And no matter how much I thought my current path made sense in my mind and was exactly what I wanted, it did not feel peaceful in my heart. When I finally decided that I would do whatever it took to regain the feeling of peace that I wanted so desperately, even if it meant breaking off my engagement, the feeling of peace returned to me. I felt that the Lord was pleased with the step of faith I was taking. I felt that that step was a step of faith in Him, and was a demonstration to Him that I loved Him more than I loved what I wanted for myself. I didn't know what was ahead of me, but at least I knew Who was leading the way before me, and that filled me with peace. 

Breaking off the engagement was extremely hard. Even though my heart felt peaceful again, there were many days filled with tears, and many nights filled with heartache. 

During that time of heartache after breaking off the engagement, I had thoughts like, "Why did this all have to happen? Why do I always date the wrong guys? Are there any guys out there who truly exemplify those qualities I hope for in a companion? Where are those guys?" As I prayed about this and expressed my discouragement and confusion to my Heavenly Father, a little thought came to mind that said, "What about Seth? He's that kind of guy!" It suddenly hit me that indeed, Seth was that kind of guy! I had always hoped to someday marry a young man who loved the Lord with all His heart, who was gentle and kind, and faithful in living the gospel. It struck me that Seth was that kind of person, and that thought brought me a tremendous amount of comfort. There were young men out there who had those qualities. Even though at that time I had no idea I would end up marrying Seth, I felt a strong desire to write him a letter, just to thank him for his example to me. In a time that I was discouraged, thinking of Seth's example and love for Jesus Christ really encouraged me. 

So I decided to write him a letter! This was another small act of faith that has brought forth great miracles in my life. I am eternally grateful that I trusted in that little answer to prayer ("What about Seth? He's that kind of guy!"), and acted on that feeling to write him a thank you letter.

It was a blessing that his dad was my very favorite teacher at BYU-Hawaii, which made it very possible to get Seth's mission address! I e-mailed his dad, telling him I'd like to write a letter to Seth and asking for the address. Then I wrote a letter to Seth, simply telling him I had gone through a hard time, but that when I remembered Seth's good example I had been comforted, and thanking him for being that example to me. Seth wrote back! 

Before I had gotten engaged, I had been seriously considering serving a full-time mission for the Church. After breaking off the engagement, it became clear to me that serving a mission fit in the Lord's plan for me. As I prayed and considered going on my mission, I felt tremendous peace. I had practically already finished my mission application before getting engaged, so it was an easy process to finish it up and send it off. I received my mission call to the Belem, Brazil Mission. (And later I would be delighted to also serve in the San Antonio, Texas Mission while waiting for my visa to be approved). 

Seth and I continued writing back and forth. Those letters continued throughout my entire mission. Through our letters, we shared our testimonies of the gospel and the experiences we were having on our missions. There were many times on the mission where at the end of a particularly hard and emotionally draining day, a letter from Seth would arrive in the mail. Reading his testimony of Jesus Christ, reading about his experiences, and reading his funny jokes always lifted my spirit. We became the best of friends.

After we both returned from our missions, we both found ourselves at BYU (in Utah) and began dating. By the end of last year, we were married for time and all eternity in the Manti, Utah temple. Every single day, I am grateful for the guidance and direction the Lord gave me in helping me to marry the right person, in the right place, at the right time. I cannot imagine a happier path for me than the one the Lord has guided me to be on. And I cannot imagine being married to a more wonderful man. We truly complement each other, and I know that the Lord knew how happy we would be together, so He helped us to end up together. My marriage to Seth has been one of the greatest miracles in my life, and it's incredible to think that the Lord has brought to pass such a wonderful miracle because I simply tried to have faith in Him in small and big ways (like going to BYU-Hawaii, breaking off an engagement, writing Seth a letter to say thanks, serving a mission, etc). 

One thing that I always really, really liked about Seth (even from when I first met him at BYU-Hawaii) is his love for family. Aside from Jesus Christ, he loves family more than anything! 

Seth and I both grew up in incredible families. We were blessed with loving and kind parents (who taught us how to follow Jesus Christ), and with awesome siblings. 

Growing up, we both always knew we wanted to have a family and that that was very important to us. During our dating, we learned that we both had strong desires to begin a family shortly after marriage. It was a desire we had both already had for a long time. 

We weren't really sure how everything would work out. Getting married can deplete a person's savings! And we knew we wanted to be responsible in our decision making. We wanted to be able to support our family and be financially independent. We decided we would do our very best, and trust that the Lord would continue to guide us. 

It wasn't long after getting married that we felt it was the right time to invite a child into our family. At that time, we had a lot of questions. Questions about finances, our preparedness, and how things would come together. But as we prayed, we continued to feel a great sense of peace about starting our family. In the Bible and Book of Mormon, we learn that if we keep His commandments, the Lord will provide for us and bless us. We both believed this was true, and felt the Lord would guide us and take care of us if we did what He asked us to do.

As soon as we made the decision to take a step of faith and welcome a child into our family, the miracles quickly followed!  

Our first shopping trip together, we ran into a friend of Seth's who he grew up with as a kid, but hadn't seen in many many years. We talked with him, told him we had just gotten married, and it was fun to visit with him. We saw him several times throughout the grocery store. By the time we were checking out, he had just finished checking out too. To our surprise, he wheeled his full cart of paid-for groceries over to us, left it next to me, and while walking out of the store with only one or two bags in his hand, said, "This is for you guys! Congratulations on getting married!" 

We were so touched, we both felt like we might cry. We both had the same deep impression that this was a sign from the Lord- He was telling us that He would provide for our family, just like He had promised.

Several weeks later, we found out that we were expecting a baby! 

That experience at the grocery store was only the first of a chain of miracles that has continued every day of our marriage. Miracles have come in the forms of great job opportunities, scholarships, help with doing well in school, gifts people have given to us, joy and peace in our marriage, and so many other ways! We started out full of faith but without knowing the details of how things would work out, and every day it becomes clearer and clearer to us that the Lord is happy with our decision and is working out the details for us. We have been so blessed and are eternally grateful for Jesus Christ. 

I know without a doubt that it is upon faith in Jesus Christ that we can build happy families. That means that sometimes we will have to do things that don't completely make sense to us, but that we feel are right. It means that we have to continue our whole lives to do our best to follow Jesus Christ, and to follow the guidance He gives us. It also means having a life that is filled with joy and peace. And filled with miracles. Because miracles follow faith in Christ. And Jesus Christ LOVES us and our families.

We are so excited to meet our baby boy around October 3rd!

I invite both you and me to trust a little more in Jesus Christ, and to follow Him in faith.