Kindergarten: A Comparison of Homeschool and Public School

Hi all! This was our first year having a child in...school! Our little (now big!) Eli started kindergarten in 2022. I have had several people ask me about my experience doing homeschool this year, and we actually did both homeschool and public school, so I wanted to write out a comparison for those interested. Just to make this clear right up front, I don't believe there is one right way to do school. And I don't have a strong opinion about one being better than the other. I think they are both great! Here is what I learned...

A quick outline of some key points I learned about each option:

Homeschool

-shorter

-no driving

-less busy (lower energy people might enjoy this)

-flexibility for extracurricular 

-stipend is nice

-my child learned a lot

-fun sometimes, stressful sometimes

-it is rewarding seeing your child learn and being super involved in that process

-my child was able to explore very specific interests/talents that aren't usually available in kindergarten

-I get to include things that are important to me

Public School

-longer

-lots of driving and car time

-felt very busy to have public school and extracurriculars (higher energy people might enjoy this) 

-awesome teachers

-classmate interactions are so fun

-super impressed with the public school system here where I live

-my son felt welcomed, respected, valued, and made great friends

-my child learned a lot

-fun sometimes, stressful sometimes

-it is rewarding having your child come home knowing new things that you didn't know they knew

-having my child out of the home and having valuable experiences planned by someone else each day was really nice

-my child got to participate in cultural experiences with other kids (celebrating Thanksgiving in class, etc)

When I told people I was homeschooling Eli this year, I often got one of these responses: "Wow, I could never do that!" or "Wait, you think homeschool is easier? I'd think the opposite." This has led me to believe that there are a few common misconceptions about homeschool. I think I also used to believe these. 

Common Misconceptions About Homeschool

-the parent is required to put in the same amount of time as a paid teacher into preparation

-homeschool lasts as long as public school, so a parent must keep their kids engaged and busy for 2-6 hours! 

-homeschool is complicated and parents must create their own curriculum

Okay, here's the detailed overview of my experiences with kindergarten homeschool and public school.

Why We Chose Homeschool

Extracurricular Activities and the Stipend

Okay, so we started off the school year doing homeschool through a program called Harmony Ed. I was familiar with the program because a relative of mine has used it and enjoyed it. I was already interested in homeschool but was drawn to these available homeschool programs after learning that this program gives families a stipend to use to buy educational supplies and even enroll their children in extracurricular activities. I love extracurricular actives. I explored a lot of different things growing up (musical instruments, sports, art, languages, etc) and I loved how my parents encouraged my sister and I to try new things and spend time doing things we loved. Naturally, I've wanted to provide the same opportunities for my kids. With several little kids and a tight budget, I decided that doing homeschool through Harmony Ed would give me a chance to put my kids into extracurricular activities that we otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford this year. 

So after talking to Eli about his preference, we all decided to try Harmony homeschool with a martial arts class as Eli's special activity. Eli has absolutely loved martial arts! And I'm so glad that our homeschool program enabled us to put him in those classes. That aspect of homeschool has been awesome.

Contrary to popular belief, I found this year that homeschool isn't hard or complicated. In fact, we finish school in under an hour every day! Usually homeschool for a kindergartener (and our preschooler when she is not at her out-of-the-home preschool class) lasts about half an hour. So one perk of homeschool is that you finish in significantly less time than they do at public school! This could also be a con to some people. I think the reason homeschool is so much shorter is that you are working with one kid instead of 20ish. So when the child understands, you move right along. Also, rather than having school work and homework, our work is all combined. Homeschool can be almost like just the homework portion of public school. I know everyone does it differently. But this is just our personal experience of how we are doing homeschool.

Catering to My Child's Skill Levels

Another reason I decided to do homeschool is that Eli is extremely advanced in math. He taught himself multiplication when he was about 3 or 4. He also taught himself double-digit addition with little to no help from us. So I wanted to let him excel in math as much as he wanted to. This was awesome about homeschool because I was able to get a 1st grade math book for him, knowing that he'd be bored with kindergarten math. 

After several months of homeschool, Eli started getting really curious about the school bus that drives through our neighborhood, and one day said, "Aw, I really wanted to go with the other kids to school." 

This was fine with me because before we even started school, I tried really hard to explain the options to Eli and get his opinion on which he'd like to try. He didn't really know enough to make a solid decision since he hadn't experienced either option. 

I contacted the school district, and after me doing some convincing ("He's extremely smart and won't have any trouble with the materials taught"), they let him start the coming week rather than waiting until the next term started. 

Transitioning to Public School

The transition seemed really easy for Eli. He was so excited and got himself ready early that first day. Though he wanted to take the school bus, I explained to him that our elementary school doesn't send a school bus to our neighborhood because we live too close. (Too close for a bus but too far to walk.) The one he was seeing must have been for a different district or immersion program. 

Making Friends and Socialization

It was so fun dropping Eli off for his first day and then picking him up. He was just beaming and had had such a fun day at school. His teacher and class were so welcoming and nice. He felt like a part of the class right away. He really, really enjoyed the social aspect of school. He came home each day telling me about the people in his class and new friends.

I learned quickly that the pick up at a public school can get really crazy! I found that I had to arrive 15 minutes early if I wanted a spot in the pickup line. (I later learned there is a secret parking lot to pick up kindergarteners and that's why all the other kindergarten parents were beating me to pick up, leaving Eli the last kid with his teacher.) 

Time Spent for Public School Vs. Homeschool

So, here's a comparison I want to make. Because I have three kids and can't leave them home alone, it's a big ordeal to drop off Eli at school. It requires packing up a well-behaved, but often distracted, 6 year old, an extremely high-energy 4 (now 5) year old who is fiercely independent, and an also extremely independent and opinionated toddler. As you can imagine, getting into the car with these three is much different than just plopping yourself into the car and going. 

So we always tried to start getting ready to get out the door 50 minutes before Eli's school started. I found that we had to leave 15 minutes early to make it, even though the school is about 7 minutes away. 

So the process of getting the kids ready and driving to the school took about 30-60 minutes each day. This is as long, or longer, than I spend homeschooling the kids each day. We finish their homeschool bookwork in about 20-30 minutes. After that we often read or do music together. But the main school work (that I see as necessary each day) takes 20 minutes. 

So this is why when people tell me that homeschool seems way harder, I'm shocked. Because it's much harder for me to wrestle my three kids in the car, get my boy to school on time, then wait in line for 20 minutes to pick him up, than it is to work in a textbook with my kids for 20 minutes a day. 

You can see that the time commitment from me for a regular school day compares like this: 

Homeschool Total: 30-60 minutes of working in textbooks, reading, music, etc.

Public School: 

50 minutes (prep to get out the door and driving over for drop off) 

(then Eli is gone for 2 hours)

+

30 minutes (loading kids into car, driving, getting to school fifteen minutes early for pickup)

= 80 minutes. 

As far as my work/involvement goes, homeschool is faster and simpler for me. 

But the two kinds of work are very different. The public school time investment for me is physically demanding (lifting kids, getting shoes on, putting coats on, buckling seatbelts) while the homeschool time is less physically demanding but involves me guiding them through textbook work. Both versions of work (homeschool and public school) are sometimes emotionally draining. Haha. Either way you will be wrestling kids at some point, learning extreme patience, etc. 

Choosing Our Busy-ness Level

After several months of public school, Eli was still enjoying it, but he was getting drained. He kept telling me how tired he was. At first he looked forward to his "busy" days when he went straight from public school to martial arts. He said he loved being busy. But after several months, it was taking a toll on him, and he told me he'd like to go back to homeschool. I told him we could lighten his load by stopping martial arts. But he said he wants to keep doing martial arts. He said he'd rather do martial arts and homeschool and drop public school. I was okay with that because I understand that this first year is a time of exploration for both of us. We are trying things out and figuring out what works best for us. 

I was a bit relieved to go back to homeschool too though. Here is what my "busy" day schedules looked like: (Luckily on these days twice a week my husband works at home, so I wasn't packing all the kids in the car each time I left the house.)

8:50am Take Emily to Preschool

9:00am Online Appointments 

11:50 Pick up Emily

12:00 Make Lunch for Everyone 

12:40 Take Eli to School

3:15 Drive to get in line to pick up Eli

3:40 Drop Eli off at Martial Arts

4:40 Go Pick up Eli

5:20 My Marital Arts Class

7:00 Get Home and Breath 

Get Kids to Bed

So even though we both had an overwhelmingly positive experience with the local public school, Eli and I both seem to be a bit lower energy, and we felt a lot of relief to let go of some of the busy.

On the other hand, it was also awesome having someone else prepare and teach Eli for those 2 hours and 40 minutes every day. It can make a big difference to have your child out of the house and enjoying engaging planned activities for those hours. 

This is an adorable turkey my son made in his public school kindergarten class. My mama heart was melting to see that he had written "Mom" on two out of the four feathers of what he is grateful for. (Was it because Mom is easy to write and it was an easy way to fill half the feathers? haha Maybe. I don't know. But it melted my heart.) This cute project is one example of how cool it is to have your kid come home from school with crafts you didn't plan and having learned new things from a wonderful teacher!

Also, during our public school experience I loved that someone else was creating routine for Eli. Being a homeschool mom can be challenging in that way. It can be difficult to maintain routines when you don't have external help. That's why I feel like homeschool balances well with having extracurricular activities out of the home. It feels more balanced to have those outings where your kid can make friends, be out of the house, and have a different adult making routines and activities for them. Also, options like Harmony or My Tech High have different ways that you can choose to report your child's work (including options as simple as taking pictures of their work to submit weekly or having a quarterly review with one of their representatives on a video call).

I think a big factor in choosing homeschool or public school for me is just finding what matched my and my kids' energy levels. I'm a bit of a slower person. Even though I can maintain a busy schedule like we were doing for those several months, it eventually really exhausts me, and I feel like I need a lot of time at home to recover from that level of busyness. I recognize that a lot of people are really energized by being out and about all day! So I think that's something to consider when choosing how you want to do school. (Homeschool also has the flexibility of being high energy for those who choose to create that. But I like our slower style of homeschool.)

Homeschool Curriculum

Just to clarify the myths about me creating hours worth of curriculum... Harmony Ed has many different options (as do other homeschool programs like My Tech High). You can choose their curriculum, to use a third party curriculum, or to do your own curriculum. Each of these options takes a different amount of funds from your total stipend. Third party curriculum tends to be the most expensive, with "make your own" curriculum as the cheapest option. I tried the third party curriculum and the "make my own" curriculum. I was unimpressed with the third party curriculum which was all computer based and was sometimes boring and glitchy. I like the "make my own curriculum" option the best and so does Eli. 

For our curriculum, we just use textbooks, ordered online with the stipend money from Harmony. So we have a phonics textbook for learning to read, a language arts textbook (tracing letters, writing, etc), a math textbook (which I chose a more advanced option for Eli), and we are also getting a science textbook (to replace the boring, glitchy third party options we tried). 

I assign Eli one to four pages from each textbook and he works on those independently, asking questions when needed (does the 2 go this way or that way? Is my 5 going the right way?). Next to us, Shanae (the toddler) spreads her art supplies all over the room like a miniature tornado and colors happily, babbling and chatting away. When Emily is home, I assign her pages from a preschool book and she colors and practices tracing letters. It's simple and sweet, and I love it. 

Also, I use some of the stipend money to buy Stem-type toys that are screen-free and encourage creativity. Things like pipe connecting toys or discs for building. This way I have something to give the kids during the day to keep them busy. So even though my "hands-on" homeschool might be 20 minutes, they could spend hours afterwards doing free play.

Catering to My Child's Interest and My Priorities

Something else we tried this year in homeschool that I loved was allowing Eli to explore the world of coding. He loves solving problems and is naturally drawn to technology. We used some of the stipend to buy him a screen-less coding robot called Botly. He has really excelled with it and has loved having it as a part of our homeschool. 

I don't think he would have the opportunity to learn coding and have hands on time operating a robot at public school, but that time would be replaced with other equally rewarding things, like PE with his friends and doing group activities with class members. 

I also am incorporating anatomy and healthy sexuality into our homeschool program because that is important to me. 

This month we started doing music lessons for homeschool, and I'm teaching the kids to play an instrument called the ocarina. That's been a recent highlight for me. While "doing music lessons for the kids" might sound like one of those big, impressive homeschool misconceptions, here's what it actually looks like: I give the three kids their plastic ocarinas. We squawk and squeak for 10 minutes while I show them fingering and say the names of the notes. Eli learned Hot Cross Buns this week! (Super proud mom over here!) But our homeschool music time is not glamorous or fancy at all. It's quite the cacophony of sounds but it is simple, fun, and doable. The kids really enjoy it! 

Note: I also was doing full-time homeschool for Emily at the beginning of the year. And when Eli switched to public school, we enrolled Emily in a preschool. She is a much higher-energy kid than Eli, and we were feeling that we needed some extra help with providing structure and attention for her. And having that time out of the house has been really helpful for her and us. I will be honest that she has had many days she doesn't want to go and really protests it, but she perks up and gets excited as soon as we get there. She also sometimes melts down afterward. And I'm learning that the transitions of going and coming back are just emotional times for her, and that's okay. On those days, she just needs time to decompress when she gets home. She sometimes cries, throws a tantrum, and ultimately just needs a long hug and some extra snuggles. She gets more nervous about separation than Eli does, and I'm learning to navigate their unique personalities and different needs. 

Eli also had meltdowns a few times after getting home from preschool. I realized that 1.) he's usually starving and needs some food when he gets home and 2.) my kids just need some decompressing time after being in a big social situation (they must take after me and their dad!). 

In conclusion, I have loved both homeschool and public school this year. I'm not forever committed to either one. I think we will choose each year based on our family's needs and each specific child's personality and needs.

I'm so grateful that I live in a place where there are countless opportunities for my children to receive high-quality educations. (We looked into and considered a local charter school too, and it looks amazing!) I was especially impressed by Eli's teachers (he had two during his several months at public school). They were both full of kindness, patience, and he learned so much from them.

Love this little family of mine and the life we are creating together. 💜

Creating a Positive Culture Around Sexuality

How are you teaching your children (or those you are responsible for teaching-including yourself) about sexuality? What messages are we sending to our little ones? If you are married, when is the last time you invested yourself in learning (and relearning) about healthy sexuality and your marital relationship? If you are single, are you consciously making efforts to have positive views and understandings about sex?

I feel so strongly that one of the very best protections and teachings for children are open, natural, and frequent conversations about sexual health and bodies. And I think kids (and adults) get so many negative messages about sex in the world, that I think as parents we should ensure that the majority of the conversations we have with kids around sexual topics are super positive. We can focus on teaching healthy sexuality and healthy sexual behaviors, and teach them about sex in the context that we believe is good and beautiful. And we can do it frequently. It can be a normal topic that just comes up in conversation in our home (just like basketball, work, school, or friends come up in natural conversation). Then when we talk to them about pornography or answer difficult questions about sexuality and our views of morality, those messages won't outweigh the positive ones and cause them to feel shame for even feeling sexual urges or being curious about sex, or having their body become aroused at something. I think if they have a solid foundation of knowing that sexual arousal is a normal and healthy part of their body, that they won't have to freak out when it happens and think that they are inherently bad or dirty. Instead they can know their bodies are healthy and normal, and that there are positive ways they can direct those God-given feelings, rather than thinking they need to view pornography or engage in risky behavior to fulfill the urges and needs they are feeling.

The silent shame culture that many of us have experienced around sex, pornography, and bodies is very unhealthy. And we have the power to change that culture through the way we choose to learn about and view sexuality, and then passing that on to our younger generations! My 3 and 2 year olds know the correct terminology of their body parts. We talk about their private parts the same way we talk about their elbows, eyebrows, noses, and bellybuttons. Along with teaching them that those particular parts are special and private. I feel proud when my son talks about his penis, and feels so positive about every part of his body. I think it's cute and healthy when he starts making connections and asks us about men and women and their different parts. I'm proud that he understands and knows the difference between female and male parts, and that his view is so innocent. The last thing I want to do is to taint him and make him feel guilty for innocent curiosity and desire to learn about EVERYTHING (including every part of his body).

I'm also proud to be teaching my daughter the CORRECT terminology for her body! Women really get the short end of the stick in this area- because many adults don't even know the true correct terminology for their body parts. Some women don't even know what body parts they have! And that's normal in some of our conservative cultures. But if we want our young girls to grow up feeling confident about who they are, instead of embarrassed, we need to change that and teach them confidently about their amazing bodies.

Teaching kids correct terminology is not only an essential way of preparing them for healthy body image and healthy relationships in the future, but it is also an essential way of protecting our children in this scary world. Our kids need to be able to clearly communicate to us about their bodies and be able to ask us clear questions. They need to be able to explain to us if they have uncomfortable (or even sexually dangerous) interactions with other kids or adults.

Creating a silent and shameful stigma around pornography, the human body, and sex in general creates many unwanted results for so many people. These negative side effects include increased pornography usage, isolation, debilitating shame, and EVEN debilitating shame, isolation, and conflict in marriages! I come from a culture that believes soooo much in the sanctity of marriage. Yet many of us struggle in our intimate relationships because we have received so little sex education or have such intense feelings of shame and embarrassment around sex, that we can't be comfortable with our sexual relationships and our own bodies. And if we can't even be comfortable with sex in marriage, how can we have the incredibly binding and fulfilling experiences that God wants us to have with our husband or wife? Not only are these experiences fun, exciting, binding, and fulfilling, but they are a key part of a healthy, connected marriage.

Sex isn't yucky, shameful, and dirty. It's connection. It's a deep connection that humans crave. A desire for connection that is God-given. A connection that is so strong it can heal, bind, and sanctify husbands and wives and their marriages.

Let's do our part to change this culture and create better outcomes for our children. I want my kids to be confident in how God made their bodies, to believe that every part of their body is good, and to treasure expressing themselves sexually in their healthy marriages someday. Sex has such amazing power to lift, connect, and renew spouses and create a marriage that is secure, safe, comforting, passionate, exciting, and so fulfilling!

The Last Seven Months

The last seven months have challenged every part of me. From gradually realizing that something was wrong with my health, to having my perspective totally flipped upside down through education, to doubting, questioning, and reconstructing my identity and core values.

About a year ago, I was stressed to the point of breaking. And I broke. We caught every possible sickness that was traveling around that Winter (multiple times), and it ended with me getting mono. I felt so helpless, hopeless, and vulnerable. I cried a lot and just wanted my mom. She came to our rescue, and many family members and friends helped us through those hard times. I thought I was better and that life was moving on.

Back in October, I realized I wasn't imagining it: my face was swelling up. Looking at photos, I've been able to track it back to July. I noticed it every day, but nobody else seemed to, so I just kept ignoring it. When my parents visited, my dad lovingly pointed it out and asked if I was ok. That's when I realized I wasn't ok. I was really sick. I was always tired. I was totally fatigued. My head and eyes hurt very often. My mind often felt fuzzy and confused. I was embarrassed by how I looked- and by the fact that hardly anyone noticed how odd and different I looked. The bridge of my nose was super swollen, especially right between my eyes. Once I started talking about it more openly, some people admitted to noticing the difference. Other people still didn't seem to be able to see it.

The symptoms I've had seem to indicate some kind of immune system problem, which also seems connected to having mono, or even connected to dealing with intense chronic stress before that.

The next several months, up until now, have been filled with all kinds of things.

• Being in school, having my perspectives turned upside down, questioning who I am and what I believe.
• Being unable to wake up because my eyes and face feel so puffy.
• Wondering why, after investing my whole self into being a stay-home mother, I could crash and burn so badly.
• Studying the history of marriage and family, and suddenly feeling like what I have expected of myself as a stay-home mom is literally impossible! 
• Being so sick that I had to drop out of school for 6 weeks, doing almost no school work. Hoping I would pass at least one class after all the hard work I put into the first half of the semester.
• Feeling embarrassed about going back to class after being gone so much, and with my face looking so different.
• Thinking I'm getting better, finding out I'm pregnant, then having the health problems come flooding back.
• Wanting to be excited about our future, but instead feeling scared and hopeless.
• Multiple infections. Feeling like I catch every sickness I'm exposed to.
• Struggling with mental illness and feeling so, so confused. Wondering if other people trust me anymore, and whether or not I can trust myself anymore.
• Crying, struggling, and having the mental darkness take over right when I'm supposed to be getting ready for class. Deciding there's no way I can make it to class, when my husband swoops in and drives our whole family down to campus, so that we can talk in the car for an hour and I can make it to class.
• Wondering if I'll ever be able to finish something -like graduating. 
• Looking totally fine in public, and being totally not fine when alone. 
• Having to learn with being ok with my kids seeing me cry and struggle with mental health.
• Laying on my bed or couch for days or weeks without being able to walk around.
• FATIGUE.
• My body being extremely sensitive to everything- from body sprays, to animals, to plants and environmental factors, to medications, to face wash, etc.
• Mental fuzziness and confusion.
• Nausea. All kinds of nausea. 
• Body aches. Achey muscles. 
• Feeling like the project friend/family member.
• Being way too embarrassed to talk to friends or ask for help. Intense fear of being the friend who always unloads her personal baggage on others. Worrying people won't enjoy being around me anymore. Worrying that if a friend asked how I was doing, I would have a huge meltdown in front of them.
• Wishing I could be diagnosed with something. 
• Anxiety.
• Feeling trapped.
• Having intense physical reactions to medications. Medications that feel like modern-day torture. 
• Begging my doctor to let me stop the medications and telling him I'll drink several liters of straight 100% cranberry juice to fight the infection.
• Feeling like I'm at the doctor's office much more than I've ever been, yet feeling like it's not nearly enough. Yet I don't have energy to keep going.
• Deciding maybe the medication is worth it to help my mental health. Reacting badly to the medication.
• Constantly switching between feeling physically sick and mentally sick. It seems like when my body gets better, my mind gets worse, and visa versa. 
• Being challenged mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Feeling like my faith is on the verge of crisis.
• Wanting to connect with God, but feeling too sick to kneel. Praying in bed, again and again and again. Feeling too sick to focus on reading more than one verse of scripture.
• Feeling tons of mom guilt for laying on the couch and having my kids watch movies all day because I feel too sick to move. 
• Feeling that my kids deserve so much more than I'm even close to being able to give.
• Not being able to care for my or my family's basic needs.
• Seeing my sweet husband running around doing EVERYTHING. Seeing his exhaustion, even though he doesn't want me to see it. 
• Feeling starving and nauseous but being unable to imagine anything being edible, especially not anything in our house. Knowing that the longer I go without eating, the sicker I'll get. 
• Carrying around the silver sick bowl.
• Wondering what happened to the past me who felt so optimistic and hopeful about almost everything.
• Giving up things that are important to me. Like rehoming all of our animals and no longer being able to be a full-time student. 
• Dreading the day my husband starts his full-time job, even though it will be a huge blessing to us. 
• Coughing so hard it hurts and makes me nauseas. Feeling like a regular cold shouldn't wipe me out the way it did.
• Wanting to try something to improve my mental health (like going to school, getting out of the house, more therapy appointments, etc), but being too sick to actually do it.
• Feeling guilt for neglecting my church calling and for struggling to reach out and serve other people.

We've been stretched in new ways and have grown in new ways. In a lot of ways I feel weaker than ever, but in other ways, I know Heavenly Father is making me stronger, or at least more authentic. My testimony of who God is has changed. I've realized He is bigger and more all-knowing than I realized before. 

I'm grateful for a religion teacher who, when I was in 6th or 7th grade, taught us a goofy rhythm/song to remember this Bible verse:

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

I've come to really feel that God's ways are much, much higher than ours. I've realized I don't understand God the way I thought I did. And I no longer take statements about God lightly, especially when people assume they understand God. I've learned that He always understands us, but I doubt we often understand Him. Maybe He lets us have little glimpses of understanding, but I think He is much greater, bigger, and much more than we can really grasp. Yet, He gives us treasures of truth and keeps teaching us. And even though He is so big, I can still feel that He is a loving Father who knows us intimately.

I've learned that there is a safe place at church for people like me. And that in congregations where there isn't, there needs to be. "People like me" meaning people who have all kinds of questions, but few answers. People who have doubts, fears, and struggles. People who face crisis of faith. People who are questioning things they used to know so clearly. People who want to believe, but need extra help. People whose health sometimes makes it very hard for them to feel of God's spirit and love the way they used to. People who are learning to distinguish between traditions and culture and real truth from God. People who have gone from being the helper, to being the helped.

Yet, in moments of confusion, loneliness, and hopelessness, I've offered simple prayers and felt God's love for me. I've felt that He knows me and is aware of me.

At times I've worried about my faith, but at other times, I've realized it has become stronger. It is no longer the simple, yet unshakable faith of a teenager who has done the work to learn for herself. It is a faith that lives in paradox and harmony with struggle, opposition, questions, and growth. A more mature, yet imperfect faith, of a woman who has been living God's plan- to come to know good and evil through the experiences of life, and to learn about the joy of redemption, and to hope for eternal life with God through Jesus Christ (Moses 5:10-11).

I'm trying to learn that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, my mothering, my home, my church service, etc. I'm trying to learn to care more about what I think about myself, and to give myself more credibility. I'm especially trying to learn to care the most about what Heavenly Father sees in me.

I've always been one to try to look strong and to be terrified of people seeing me in weakness. I've learned to accept (kind of) the fact that I need help. Well- ok- "learned" is a huge overstatement. I'm trying to learn that. I think in life, and especially in marriage, we have to learn to be both the shepherd and the sheep at different times. The shepherd gives more than his fair share, and the sheep needs help, protection, and guidance, yet is able to give little in return. Jesus Christ has been my shepherd, and so has my sweet husband. Even in times so dark I haven't been able to see it.

I'm grateful for moments of clarity. Moments of peace. Moments of feeling God's love. Moments of remembering. Moments of learning. Moments of changing. Moments of smiling, laughing, being snuggled by cute kids, kissing chubby toddler cheeks, and being held by a dedicated spouse.

A Metamorphosis and Lessons Being Learned

This past semester has been one of intense and deep learning for me. When I say semester, it's not because I'm in school, but because my husband is in school- and thus my life is also segmented into semesters. My husband's classes have been difficult, as engineering classes always are, but they haven't been his very very most challenging classes. Yet it has been probably the hardest semester for us. I think mostly because it has been a really important time in my life- a time of metamorphosis. A time that I close one door behind me and open another door in front of me. And learn to do it with joy, gladness, and gratitude, and without remorse, resentment, discouragement, and depression. A time to learn what it really means to be a mother and homemaker. And a time to develop deeper more passionate feelings towards those titles than I have ever done before.

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts, but I hope that I can put into words some of the things I have learned these past several months, as well as the experiences that have helped me to learn them.

One of the posts I made towards the beginning of this journey was about learning to be selfless as a mom, without entirely forgetting who God made me to be, and without forgetting my unique personality and talents. Click here to see the post. It was an epiphany for me that as a mom, I can schedule time for myself to recharge! And that my personality and interests are an important part of my identity. I have since learned more lessons that have blessed me greatly.

I have learned that scheduled time for myself helps me recharge and be a better wife and mom.

I have learned that igniting passion in one area of my life can help me to spread that passion to other areas of my life. Meeting Sarah Chapman and reading her book MindStrength taught me that succeeding in one area of life (that we are likely to succeed in) can help us find strength, courage, and confidence to make changes and succeed in other areas of our life too. For example, meeting a goal to simply go to the gym 3 times a week, then 5 times a week, then becoming a kettlebell trainer, helped Sarah to take initiative and have confidence in changing her family relationships, and to become a more true version of herself. Similarly, I gained confidence in myself as I saw improvement in my horseback riding each lesson. This confidence helped me become more confident in my interactions with other people, with my children, and also helped me in my marriage to feel like a more true and confident version of myself.

I have learned that there are necessity me times and there are treat me times. When I first started horseback riding lessons, I felt like it was a lifeline of sorts. I was so self conscious and felt so vulnerable when I would go to the stable. I worried what people thought of me, whether I was interesting to get to know, and about countless other things. It was one of the most vulnerable things I have done in a while. It sounds silly, but I had been in full blown mommy mode for the past 2 years, and hadn't gotten out of the house to do something like that in a long time. The horseback riding has been a big blessing to me. It helped me find confidence in myself again. In some ways it helped me dig down and find my identity again. It helped me remember that I am an excited, passionate person, with lots of dreams. Working with horses helped me get through a couple of really hard months.

However, after learning many of the things I have recently learned, I have gotten to a point that now I feel the lessons are simply a treat. I enjoy them very much, but the idea of letting go of them to save money doesn't devastate me in any way. A few months ago, the thought of stopping lessons made me feel like I was about to burry myself under a dump truck load of dirt and forget the confidence and excitement that were just barely beginning to bloom inside of me. The confidence that was blooming was just barley sprouting and was very vulnerable and delicate. Now I feel that I have turned into a stronger person, and I am excited and ready to move on and let the riding lessons go for the time being. I'm not saying in any way that once a mom (or any person) feels emotionally and mentally healthy that they should give up hobbies and time for themselves! no way! Scheduled time for ourself is important to maintain our health and to be our best self! But I do believe that the essential "me" time for me is taking time to do something like reading, walking, running, going to the library, blogging, going shopping, learning a language, or studying my online course. And that the expensive hobbies are more of a treat. Everyone is different, and I don't believe we can determine what is essential and what is a treat for someone else. But I'm learning to differentiate those things for myself. And I'm also learning that different times of life, with different situations, require different things.

I've learned that where your treasure lies, there will your heart lie also. This principle was put into words for me in this article. It struck me deeply that I always want my treasure to be my family. I want my heart and my treasure to be at home. I found that as I got more and more excited about my own hobbies, my thoughts and fantasies began wandering to horseback riding competitions, living on a big plot of land and having horses roam around, teaching my kids to ride horses. I don't believe that any of these dreams are unrighteous or unachievable. But they are not my present life. And it's not possible for them to be my present life, without some kind of wild and intense sacrifice, like taking out a huge mortgage, spending days and days and days and weeks away from my family. What struck me most was that dreaming about these things took my mind away from being present with my kids. They could be right next to me, wanting my love and affection, and if my mind was wandering far far from home, I missed the opportunity to bask in their loving gaze, their wet kisses, and their little hugs and cuddles. I don't want to miss out on my children's love, friendship, playtime, etc. I don't mean to say that no moms should spend time away from home. But I do think it's important to recognize where our heart and desires lie. Because that is where our treasure lies too. For some moms, they need to work and go to school, or do other time consuming things. But they long to be home. They long to have time with their family. Their treasure is their family. In the case of dreaming about another world- a world where I can do whatever I want- that doesn't draw me closer to my family, and it also doesn't make me happier. I know now more than ever before that nothing in this world can make me happier than following Jesus Christ and nurturing my relationships with my husband and children. They are my treasure!

Another lesson: harmonious passion.
This is a lesson my husband learned in a class and shared with me. There is such a thing as inhibited passion, as well as obsessive passion. Harmonious is the beautiful in-between. It is the "bridled" passion, I would say. (Bridling passion is also a concept I have thought a lot about- especially with it's inherent analogy with horses. I'll talk about that next.) Inhibited passion is when we try to bury feelings of passion. Perhaps this is what I felt when I was dealing with depressing feelings and resentment towards housework. I felt that for the past several years, I had been burying my personal passions. I had served a mission, had children, gone through the new baby months and years. These were all things I was passionate about. But I felt that part of me- the passionate excited Erica who loved doing unconventional things like playing the tuba, riding horses, and learning as many foreign languages as possible- had been buried and lost. And for no reason except that I hadn't recognized my need for scheduled me time. Inhibiting passions is very different than bridling passions, because it isn't the healthy way to deal with passions. Even unhealthy passions- like sexual passions outside of marriage, rather than being simply pent up, can be bridled and directed into something good- like passion to get life in order and work towards a happy marriage someday, or expressing oneself through talents. Obsessive passion is the kind of passion that drives you to do more and more and more, beyond what is well balanced and even beyond what brings you true happiness. Harmonious passion is the beautiful balance where joy and progress bloom and flourish. When you are able to express your passion, and guide it (bridle it) in the right direction, the excitement and joy you feel begins to enlighten other areas of your life as well! Feeling passionate about a song you are listening to can make you feel excited about doing house work, and make you feel passionate about your spouse. Having a passionate relationship in marriage can make you more excited about being a mom, more energetic about doing your school work, and more creative in your hobbies.


Bridled passion. This is something I've thought about a lot since working with horses, and especially since attending an Andrea Bocelli Concert with my husband. Seeing the passion that Andrea Bocelli sang with made me feel very deeply that passion is an important part of life. If we buried all our passions, then art, music, children, talents, productivity, inspiration, invention, progression, math, science, faith, etc, etc, etc wouldn't exist or at least wouldn't thrive. This brings me to the horse analogy.

Here the horse represents our passion, the rider represents us, and the bridle represents bridling our passions. What is the purpose of a bridle? It's used for a rider to communicate with their horse. After doing research, I learned that the bit (the metal piece that goes inside of the horse's mouth) actually causes discomfort for the horse, encouraging the horse to move away from uncomfortable pressure and do as the rider asks. If a rider continuously uses harsh pressure on the bit, the horse gets used to harsh correction and eventually rebels or becomes less and less sensitive. Similarly, if we use harsh overcorrections to direct our passions, we may struggle to learn how to use them in balance. Or if we use too little pressure and are too timid, the horse won't respond and learn what we are asking. This could be compared to inhibited or obsessive passion. We may not appreciate our passion, and see it as something that is constantly in our way, like the horse that doesn't respond or understand what we are asking. We may wish we didn't have any passions. Or we may become obsessive with our passions, constantly trying new extremes and feeling unsatisfied. On the other hand, many riders choose to respect their horses and strive to communicate clearly through the bit, but then use less and less pressure on the bit until the horse becomes responsive to the lightest touch. Many riders even choose to use a bit-less bridle, removing the painful metal piece from the horse's mouth, but still having the security of a bridle to guide the horse. Beyond that, some riders create such trusting and secure relationships with their horse, that they ride without bit or bridle. Using either nothing at all around the horses head and neck, or a simple rope loosely around the horses neck. These riders can move their body position ever so slightly, as if they were going to turn in a certain direction or speed up or slow down, and the horse responds as if it were an extension of the rider's body. They have created a oneness between rider and horse. I think that is the ultimate goal for us in bridling our passions. Being able to direct our passions- to use them as powerful and responsive motors to move us in the right direction, that can be controlled with the simplest thought or feeling. Then we have the power to gallop, to walk, to stop, to turn, without fear of losing control, but with the glorious driving force that passions bring into our lives.

For an audio and visual demonstration of what passion is, see these videos of Andrea Bocelli songs:
Click here to hear the song "If Only" that I believe demonstrates the beauty of passion for life and  for romantic love, and here "Fall on Me" that expresses passion for trusting family relationships.

Another lesson I've learned came from a wise, loving grandmother. She talked about how in different phases of life, we close a door on the life behind us, and open a door to the life ahead of us. Her example teaches me about being present, grateful, and proactive. I have to say, hearing her words about closing doors was one of the hardest things I've had to hear these past few months. Because it meant I had to stop being selfish. Before becoming a mother, almost everything I have done in my life has been for myself. As a mother, almost everything I do in my life is for others. The image in my mind of a door closing on my past life brought out surprising feelings. But it was exactly what I needed. The reason I struggled so much this semester is because there was a constant battle inside of me. One that longed to be there for my family, to be fully present, fully invested, and another part of me that longed desperately to be cared for by someone else. To be independent. To have the freedom to do whatever I chose, just because I wanted to. To hold onto some kind of self interest. This was a turning point for me. I realized that there really is balance. There is time for me to pursue dreams, hobbies, and interests, but it's so important that my priority is always my family. My kids depend on me! Everything about them is wired to depend on me for the majority of their spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional nurturing. I must never lose sight of the importance and eternal significance of my calling as a mother. I am learning to be more present and more grateful and more joyful in motherhood.

Another lesson (something I have learned as I have reflected on my conversation with this wise grandmother): I can choose to be an agent instead of a victim. Rather than feeling completely overwhelmed and trapped, believing that I have to wait for someone to come save me (usually my husband) from drowning in dishes and having no social interaction, I can act! I can get my baby girl in the high chair with snacks, I can have my 2 year old rinse dishes, and I can get dishes done! I can pack up the kids and go meet up with a friend for a play date! I can pack up the kids and go learn something new at the library. I can choose how to make my days. That is so empowering about being a mom. I get to choose how to live my life every single day! I get to choose to empower and teach my children, and to help them grow into hard working, grateful, resourceful individuals.

I have learned more of what it means to be a homemaker. You know that wonderful feeling of walking into a home where you really feel like you belong? A home filled with memories, experiences, love, warmth, good food, happy sounds, etc. It finally, finally, dawned on me that I have the power to create that home for my own children! I get to choose how it will be! I get to give that beautiful, essential, life-forming gift to them! Homemaking does include housework, but it also includes laughing, teaching, snuggling, reading, and whatever is important to you and your family! A reading chair, a music room, a place to chat, a home where Jesus' name is cherished and loved, where kind words are shared.

From reading excerpts of  Jaroldeen Edwards' book Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner, I am being reminded that defining homemaking as "dirty dishes and dirty diapers" is the farthest thing from true! This definition discounts the hugs, smiles, beautiful little eyes, snuggles, warm little bodies, teaching opportunities, the beautiful light and joy that children bring anywhere they go, that are all part of motherhood. Even the dishes and diaper changing are significant and can be joyful.


The biggest lesson: being a wife, a mother and homemaker are glorious, beautiful, eternal parts of who I am. I can choose to find joy in these things. And if I do choose to find joy in these things, they will bring me greater joy now and in the eternities than anything else ever could. Nothing has the potential to bring me the amount of joy and fulfillment that these treasures do. I'm grateful for this hard, stretching, joyful, meaningful, glorious metamorphosis of being a mom.

Horseback Riding

As a little kid I had always dreamt of riding horses, but in California it really wasn't a possibility. When we moved to Utah when I was 11, my parents made my dream become a reality! For my very first riding lessons I rode this little pony named Blossom.  My instructor was so wonderful and she taught me so much! I started out bareback on Blossom, and then later used a saddle on her. I was always worried I would squish her because she was so small! 

From Blossom I moved to Skyler, a Quarter Horse. Skyler and I shared a lot of great times. After learning to ride on him and doing a rodeo competition, my instructor actually sold him to my family and my uncle (we shared and kept him at my uncle's stables). Skyler and I made a lot of good memories. He was a really great horse and so great to ride. I learned to walk, trot, post, canter, and gallop on him, and we also did lots of pole bending, barrel racing, and even goat tying practice together. Skyler could really run! It was funny because he had a very, very slow walk, but when he got galloping, he was true to his breed and sprinted like a quarter horse! We competed in the Rodeo Princess Competition together when I was around 13. That was actually the only rodeo I ever participated in. Although we tried to enter competitions for the other rodeo events, there was always some kind of major schedule conflict that came up. I just loved the riding though- I wasn't really worried about competing. I was especially interested in bareback riding and was especially starting to practice that towards the end of my time riding. It was after the rodeo princess competition was over at some point that the idea of us buying Skyler came up. It was awesome to spend so much time with him. Even just being around him and the other horses was always very soothing and calming for me. The time seemed to stop when I was grooming him, mucking stalls, or just sitting on the porch nearby the horses. When I was 16 we had to move to California and had to say goodbye to Skyler (he stayed in Utah). It was really sad, but I knew there was nothing we could do, so I tried to cowgirl up and not make a big fuss.

Rodeo Princess Competition:

Practicing Barrel Racing:

Just for fun, here was another dream fulfilled:

Anyways, after moving when I was 16, I didn't get to ride much anymore, until just recently- almost 10 years later! It was by a series of events (that I really believe was guidance and little miracles from Heavenly Father), that lead me to taking riding lessons again! Now I am learning English riding, while before I did Western. So it's really new in a lot of ways! It's been so fun and so fulfilling for me! It's hard to believe that I had forgotten how good it feels to be on a horse and how much this is a part of who I am. Riding horses is something that I always dreamt of doing as a little kid, and that I loved so much when I finally got the chance to really learn and get involved with riding. Somehow between being 16 and being 25, I lost connection with that part of myself, and to be doing it again at last feels so good. It really is a miracle to me. I never, ever, ever imagined that as a mom of 2 young kids, and with my husband in school, that I would be riding horses. It's the last thing I would have thought of pursuing, but I really believe that Heavenly Father knew it was exactly what I needed. He really made things fall into place- He lead me to consider that it was actually a possibility for me. And I feel so blessed because it has helped me feel excited about life. It has rekindled my passion for discovering/developing myself. And it has helped me be a more present wife and mom. Knowing that I will have personal time during the week to go ride has helped me to be able to be at peace and excited about being home with my kids the rest of the week. I always loved being home with them, but somehow adding riding to my life has made my time more meaningful. I feel more excited about all aspects of my life. I feel excited to be a mom who is still herself and is unique. I feel excited about teaching my kids to ride someday (if they want to), and excited that my kids will know that their mom has passions and interests, and that they can have unique passions and interests too!

Here are some screen shots of my recent riding adventures. Learning English has made me feel like a beginner all over again in a lot of ways. I'm learning so many new things and I'm loving it! It feels good to challenge myself and try to improve. This experience has really taught me that it's such a good thing to have dreams. I always dreamt of becoming a wife and mom, and I also always dreamt of riding horses. Riding horses is WAY less important to me than being a wife and mom, but it's something that brings a spark of excitement and a lot of personal fulfillment into my life. I've really been learning that Heavenly Father wants us to have that personal fulfillment in our lives. I believe He wants us to pursue our dreams for our families and for ourselves as individuals- and when we seek His guidance, He can help those to fit together and be in harmony. 

Click here to read about Developing Talents on lds.org.

Emily's Birth

Emily will be 5 weeks old tomorrow! The time flies! 

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Emily's birth was such a precious experience for me, just like Eli's was. The experience has taught me a lot, but especially it has taught me that God created us to be strong! I think we doubt ourselves and don't see how strong we really are. He can help us see what He has always seen in us- that we are strong and capable, and that we can do hard things! My birth experiences have helped me feel that I am strong enough to do the hard things this life will require, especially raising these precious little children. 

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I started feeling tightenings (contractions) weeks before the birth. My water broke the night before Emily was born, and I had tightenings throughout the night. I just stayed in bed, listened to my music playlist (so inspiring!) and relaxed. I fell asleep often and then would wake up again. It was kind of a dream-like state. I found that visualizing a Hawaiian beach with the tide rising and falling helped me really relax during contractions. 

By early morning I called the midwife to let her know what was going on. We decided I would go into the birth center at 10am. My sister-in-law came and picked up Eli for us, and he spent the day with his grandma and aunts and uncles! 

I was so relaxed in the morning and my contractions stopped, and I fell asleep for a while. I also remember that at some point in the morning I asked Seth to call the midwife and ask if we could come in earlier because I felt like things were starting up again. We went into the birth center around 9:30. My tightenings had stopped (my body was resting) and since my water had broken, the midwife reminded me that it is very important for the baby to be born within 24 hours of the water breaking.

The midwife suggested castor oil. I told her I really didn't want to take it, but after talking to her, I realized it would really be the best thing. 

They made the castor oil into a smoothie for me (guava nector, almond butter, and castor oil!). It was exactly like the castor oil smoothie I drank before Eli was born. 

Castor oil takes about 2 hours to kick in, so we went home. 

 Around 1:00 (2 hours from when I took the castor oil), we decided to walk around the Provo City Center Temple (it's just 5 blocks from our birth center). As soon as we parked and started walking for a few minutes, I needed to use the restroom, so we just went to the birth center. After using the restroom, the midwife recommended we go on a walk.  My tightenings hadn't started back up yet and she wanted us to get things moving! She said, "It's either that or another dose of castor oil..."

Seth said something like, "Ok! We're outta here!" That made me laugh because I did not want another dose of castor oil. He and I walked around outside for quite a while.

Eventually I started feeling things start up again. I felt my abdomen get super tight and stay tight. 

We headed back to the birth center. We told the midwife that I was feeling things start again, but that they weren't strong consistent contractions. She asked what we wanted to do next. After talking to her and asking her suggestion, she recommended breaking my water. 

I agreed to have her break my water. Right after she broke my water, I could tell the contractions would start coming very strong. I asked my midwife, "When can I get in the tub??" She responded, "Once I hear some moaning." I started moaning jokingly. She asked, "Really? Do you think it's going to be soon?" I replied, "Yes!" She was so awesome! She really trusted me and she started filling the tub right away! 

I went to the restroom and stayed there for about half an hour or so. The tightenings came like waves, one after the other. They were close together and very strong. My husband came in to help me, and he called our doula to come.

After about 30-40 minutes laboring in the bathroom (our heroic doula arrived during that time), I was asking when I could get in the tub, and my doula told me I could! She just said it was too hot so she was going to add more cool water. 

The contractions were coming so fast and so strong. I was listening to my playlist with the wireless headphones, and breathing very deeply to relax. It was working well, but I was feeling that it was starting to overwhelm me and I was so excited to get in the tub. 

Getting in the tub was a huge relief! I instantly felt a lot of pressure lifted from me. At the same time, my contractions became much stronger. I was in a sitting position, with my legs kind of bent to the side. The water helped my body relax between pressure waves, but the waves themselves had become very, very strong. My doula used counter pressure (pushing against my knees), and Seth put cold wet washcloths on my forehead and neck. It felt really nice because the water was super warm! I didn't feel comfortable in the sitting position and the counter pressure wasn't working very well in that position, but I didn't feel like moving. I started noticing that my body was forcefully bearing down. My body pushes on its own and I couldn't stop if I tried! 

I stayed sitting for a while, but it soon became very uncomfortable and I was still feeling that my body was already starting to bear down very hard. I decided to move to my hands and knees. Seth and our doula would both do counter pressure, each pressing on one of my hips during each contraction. I think it was around then that I lost everything from my stomach. I was shaking a lot and my temperature was feeling really strange. We had a bowl near by, and I threw up over and over into it, as well as into another container. Our doula then replaced those yucky bowls with a little plastic bin (floating in the water right under my nose- I was still on hands and knees) and she sprinkled a bunch of essential oil in it! It smelled amazing and really soothed me. (She later told me it was peppermint to help with the nausea.) At this point, Seth and our doula both were having similar thoughts. They remembered all of these same things happening during my labor with Eli, and he was born soon after all these signs- the shaking, throwing up, etc. Neither of them voiced their thoughts because they didn't want to get my hopes up if it wasn't true, but they both thought the baby would be born soon. They were right. 

I stayed on hands and knees and my body was still bearing down very forcefully. I was saying "Aooowwww." My body was trying to push the baby's head out and it really hurt. It felt like my body was trying to push baby girl out before it was open enough for her to fit through.

 I soon felt the head bulging but I was concerned that she wouldn't fit through. I didn't feel like my body had had enough time to open up for her. I told them that she was coming. The doula ran to get the midwife. Soon I could feel that her head was crowning, and it really burned and stung.

I remember feeling especially strong burning and stinging, and it really hurt. It felt like someone was poking me down there. I thought it was the midwife, and tried to tell her to stop. I reached down to move her hand away, and I was so surprised to feel that the baby's head was out! I was shocked. I had no idea that that was what was happening right then. I lifted my headphones off of one ear and asked, "Can I push?" I heard the midwife say "yes," so I pushed the rest of her body out. I instantly felt a huge huge relief! 

There is really nothing like that moment when your brand new baby enters the world and you are just filled with the hugest love for that perfect little one. 

Everyone helped me to get rearranged and soon I was sitting in the tub holding my beautiful girl!!!!!!!!!!!! (So beautiful!!!!) The first thing I felt was a huge sense of joy! And that was the first word that popped into my mind. When Seth and I asked each other what we thought of for her name, I told him I thought Joy should be part of it. After holding her for a while and after the chord stopped pulsing (getting all that good oxygen to our new baby girl), the chord was cut and Seth held her while I moved to the bed. 

We had been thinking of the name Emily ever since before we found out from the ultrasound that we were having a girl. It had just felt right for a long long time. After a day or so of thinking about it, we decided on Emily Joy. It just fits her perfectly. 

I was so shocked at how fast it all went. She was born in about an hour and a half! I kept asking questions like, "how did that happen?" Emily's birth seemed to be more intense than Eli's because it happened so fast! Afterwards, I was talking to one of the midwives about it and she explained that when you have a fast birth, your body still needs to do the same amount of work, but it just does it in a whole lot less time. 

After Emily was born, Seth and I held her on the bed at the birth center for hours. We were in heaven!  We just kept admiring our beautiful girl! 

 I was exhausted. I felt totally drained! But also so happy! I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. 

Emily was born at 4:35pm and we were back home around 8:30 or 9:00pm that night. 

I've never seen such a beautiful girl before! Emily has been such a joy in my, Seth's, and Eli's lives already! We love her so much!!! She is a little angel.