This past semester has been one of intense and deep learning for me. When I say semester, it's not because I'm in school, but because my husband is in school- and thus my life is also segmented into semesters. My husband's classes have been difficult, as engineering classes always are, but they haven't been his very very most challenging classes. Yet it has been probably the hardest semester for us. I think mostly because it has been a really important time in my life- a time of metamorphosis. A time that I close one door behind me and open another door in front of me. And learn to do it with joy, gladness, and gratitude, and without remorse, resentment, discouragement, and depression. A time to learn what it really means to be a mother and homemaker. And a time to develop deeper more passionate feelings towards those titles than I have ever done before.
I don't really know how to organize my thoughts, but I hope that I can put into words some of the things I have learned these past several months, as well as the experiences that have helped me to learn them.
One of the posts I made towards the beginning of this journey was about learning to be selfless as a mom, without entirely forgetting who God made me to be, and without forgetting my unique personality and talents. Click here to see the post. It was an epiphany for me that as a mom, I can schedule time for myself to recharge! And that my personality and interests are an important part of my identity. I have since learned more lessons that have blessed me greatly.
I have learned that scheduled time for myself helps me recharge and be a better wife and mom.
I have learned that igniting passion in one area of my life can help me to spread that passion to other areas of my life. Meeting Sarah Chapman and reading her book MindStrength taught me that succeeding in one area of life (that we are likely to succeed in) can help us find strength, courage, and confidence to make changes and succeed in other areas of our life too. For example, meeting a goal to simply go to the gym 3 times a week, then 5 times a week, then becoming a kettlebell trainer, helped Sarah to take initiative and have confidence in changing her family relationships, and to become a more true version of herself. Similarly, I gained confidence in myself as I saw improvement in my horseback riding each lesson. This confidence helped me become more confident in my interactions with other people, with my children, and also helped me in my marriage to feel like a more true and confident version of myself.
I have learned that there are necessity me times and there are treat me times. When I first started horseback riding lessons, I felt like it was a lifeline of sorts. I was so self conscious and felt so vulnerable when I would go to the stable. I worried what people thought of me, whether I was interesting to get to know, and about countless other things. It was one of the most vulnerable things I have done in a while. It sounds silly, but I had been in full blown mommy mode for the past 2 years, and hadn't gotten out of the house to do something like that in a long time. The horseback riding has been a big blessing to me. It helped me find confidence in myself again. In some ways it helped me dig down and find my identity again. It helped me remember that I am an excited, passionate person, with lots of dreams. Working with horses helped me get through a couple of really hard months.
However, after learning many of the things I have recently learned, I have gotten to a point that now I feel the lessons are simply a treat. I enjoy them very much, but the idea of letting go of them to save money doesn't devastate me in any way. A few months ago, the thought of stopping lessons made me feel like I was about to burry myself under a dump truck load of dirt and forget the confidence and excitement that were just barely beginning to bloom inside of me. The confidence that was blooming was just barley sprouting and was very vulnerable and delicate. Now I feel that I have turned into a stronger person, and I am excited and ready to move on and let the riding lessons go for the time being. I'm not saying in any way that once a mom (or any person) feels emotionally and mentally healthy that they should give up hobbies and time for themselves! no way! Scheduled time for ourself is important to maintain our health and to be our best self! But I do believe that the essential "me" time for me is taking time to do something like reading, walking, running, going to the library, blogging, going shopping, learning a language, or studying my online course. And that the expensive hobbies are more of a treat. Everyone is different, and I don't believe we can determine what is essential and what is a treat for someone else. But I'm learning to differentiate those things for myself. And I'm also learning that different times of life, with different situations, require different things.
I've learned that where your treasure lies, there will your heart lie also. This principle was put into words for me in this article. It struck me deeply that I always want my treasure to be my family. I want my heart and my treasure to be at home. I found that as I got more and more excited about my own hobbies, my thoughts and fantasies began wandering to horseback riding competitions, living on a big plot of land and having horses roam around, teaching my kids to ride horses. I don't believe that any of these dreams are unrighteous or unachievable. But they are not my present life. And it's not possible for them to be my present life, without some kind of wild and intense sacrifice, like taking out a huge mortgage, spending days and days and days and weeks away from my family. What struck me most was that dreaming about these things took my mind away from being present with my kids. They could be right next to me, wanting my love and affection, and if my mind was wandering far far from home, I missed the opportunity to bask in their loving gaze, their wet kisses, and their little hugs and cuddles. I don't want to miss out on my children's love, friendship, playtime, etc. I don't mean to say that no moms should spend time away from home. But I do think it's important to recognize where our heart and desires lie. Because that is where our treasure lies too. For some moms, they need to work and go to school, or do other time consuming things. But they long to be home. They long to have time with their family. Their treasure is their family. In the case of dreaming about another world- a world where I can do whatever I want- that doesn't draw me closer to my family, and it also doesn't make me happier. I know now more than ever before that nothing in this world can make me happier than following Jesus Christ and nurturing my relationships with my husband and children. They are my treasure!
Another lesson: harmonious passion.
This is a lesson my husband learned in a class and shared with me. There is such a thing as inhibited passion, as well as obsessive passion. Harmonious is the beautiful in-between. It is the "bridled" passion, I would say. (Bridling passion is also a concept I have thought a lot about- especially with it's inherent analogy with horses. I'll talk about that next.) Inhibited passion is when we try to bury feelings of passion. Perhaps this is what I felt when I was dealing with depressing feelings and resentment towards housework. I felt that for the past several years, I had been burying my personal passions. I had served a mission, had children, gone through the new baby months and years. These were all things I was passionate about. But I felt that part of me- the passionate excited Erica who loved doing unconventional things like playing the tuba, riding horses, and learning as many foreign languages as possible- had been buried and lost. And for no reason except that I hadn't recognized my need for scheduled me time. Inhibiting passions is very different than bridling passions, because it isn't the healthy way to deal with passions. Even unhealthy passions- like sexual passions outside of marriage, rather than being simply pent up, can be bridled and directed into something good- like passion to get life in order and work towards a happy marriage someday, or expressing oneself through talents. Obsessive passion is the kind of passion that drives you to do more and more and more, beyond what is well balanced and even beyond what brings you true happiness. Harmonious passion is the beautiful balance where joy and progress bloom and flourish. When you are able to express your passion, and guide it (bridle it) in the right direction, the excitement and joy you feel begins to enlighten other areas of your life as well! Feeling passionate about a song you are listening to can make you feel excited about doing house work, and make you feel passionate about your spouse. Having a passionate relationship in marriage can make you more excited about being a mom, more energetic about doing your school work, and more creative in your hobbies.
Bridled passion. This is something I've thought about a lot since working with horses, and especially since attending an Andrea Bocelli Concert with my husband. Seeing the passion that Andrea Bocelli sang with made me feel very deeply that passion is an important part of life. If we buried all our passions, then art, music, children, talents, productivity, inspiration, invention, progression, math, science, faith, etc, etc, etc wouldn't exist or at least wouldn't thrive. This brings me to the horse analogy.
Here the horse represents our passion, the rider represents us, and the bridle represents bridling our passions. What is the purpose of a bridle? It's used for a rider to communicate with their horse. After doing research, I learned that the bit (the metal piece that goes inside of the horse's mouth) actually causes discomfort for the horse, encouraging the horse to move away from uncomfortable pressure and do as the rider asks. If a rider continuously uses harsh pressure on the bit, the horse gets used to harsh correction and eventually rebels or becomes less and less sensitive. Similarly, if we use harsh overcorrections to direct our passions, we may struggle to learn how to use them in balance. Or if we use too little pressure and are too timid, the horse won't respond and learn what we are asking. This could be compared to inhibited or obsessive passion. We may not appreciate our passion, and see it as something that is constantly in our way, like the horse that doesn't respond or understand what we are asking. We may wish we didn't have any passions. Or we may become obsessive with our passions, constantly trying new extremes and feeling unsatisfied. On the other hand, many riders choose to respect their horses and strive to communicate clearly through the bit, but then use less and less pressure on the bit until the horse becomes responsive to the lightest touch. Many riders even choose to use a bit-less bridle, removing the painful metal piece from the horse's mouth, but still having the security of a bridle to guide the horse. Beyond that, some riders create such trusting and secure relationships with their horse, that they ride without bit or bridle. Using either nothing at all around the horses head and neck, or a simple rope loosely around the horses neck. These riders can move their body position ever so slightly, as if they were going to turn in a certain direction or speed up or slow down, and the horse responds as if it were an extension of the rider's body. They have created a oneness between rider and horse. I think that is the ultimate goal for us in bridling our passions. Being able to direct our passions- to use them as powerful and responsive motors to move us in the right direction, that can be controlled with the simplest thought or feeling. Then we have the power to gallop, to walk, to stop, to turn, without fear of losing control, but with the glorious driving force that passions bring into our lives.
For an audio and visual demonstration of what passion is, see these videos of Andrea Bocelli songs:
Click here to hear the song "If Only" that I believe demonstrates the beauty of passion for life and for romantic love, and here "Fall on Me" that expresses passion for trusting family relationships.
Another lesson I've learned came from a wise, loving grandmother. She talked about how in different phases of life, we close a door on the life behind us, and open a door to the life ahead of us. Her example teaches me about being present, grateful, and proactive. I have to say, hearing her words about closing doors was one of the hardest things I've had to hear these past few months. Because it meant I had to stop being selfish. Before becoming a mother, almost everything I have done in my life has been for myself. As a mother, almost everything I do in my life is for others. The image in my mind of a door closing on my past life brought out surprising feelings. But it was exactly what I needed. The reason I struggled so much this semester is because there was a constant battle inside of me. One that longed to be there for my family, to be fully present, fully invested, and another part of me that longed desperately to be cared for by someone else. To be independent. To have the freedom to do whatever I chose, just because I wanted to. To hold onto some kind of self interest. This was a turning point for me. I realized that there really is balance. There is time for me to pursue dreams, hobbies, and interests, but it's so important that my priority is always my family. My kids depend on me! Everything about them is wired to depend on me for the majority of their spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional nurturing. I must never lose sight of the importance and eternal significance of my calling as a mother. I am learning to be more present and more grateful and more joyful in motherhood.
Another lesson (something I have learned as I have reflected on my conversation with this wise grandmother): I can choose to be an agent instead of a victim. Rather than feeling completely overwhelmed and trapped, believing that I have to wait for someone to come save me (usually my husband) from drowning in dishes and having no social interaction, I can act! I can get my baby girl in the high chair with snacks, I can have my 2 year old rinse dishes, and I can get dishes done! I can pack up the kids and go meet up with a friend for a play date! I can pack up the kids and go learn something new at the library. I can choose how to make my days. That is so empowering about being a mom. I get to choose how to live my life every single day! I get to choose to empower and teach my children, and to help them grow into hard working, grateful, resourceful individuals.
I have learned more of what it means to be a homemaker. You know that wonderful feeling of walking into a home where you really feel like you belong? A home filled with memories, experiences, love, warmth, good food, happy sounds, etc. It finally, finally, dawned on me that I have the power to create that home for my own children! I get to choose how it will be! I get to give that beautiful, essential, life-forming gift to them! Homemaking does include housework, but it also includes laughing, teaching, snuggling, reading, and whatever is important to you and your family! A reading chair, a music room, a place to chat, a home where Jesus' name is cherished and loved, where kind words are shared.
From reading excerpts of Jaroldeen Edwards' book Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner, I am being reminded that defining homemaking as "dirty dishes and dirty diapers" is the farthest thing from true! This definition discounts the hugs, smiles, beautiful little eyes, snuggles, warm little bodies, teaching opportunities, the beautiful light and joy that children bring anywhere they go, that are all part of motherhood. Even the dishes and diaper changing are significant and can be joyful.
The biggest lesson: being a wife, a mother and homemaker are glorious, beautiful, eternal parts of who I am. I can choose to find joy in these things. And if I do choose to find joy in these things, they will bring me greater joy now and in the eternities than anything else ever could. Nothing has the potential to bring me the amount of joy and fulfillment that these treasures do. I'm grateful for this hard, stretching, joyful, meaningful, glorious metamorphosis of being a mom.
