Caps, Gowns, and Motherhood

Recently watching my husband, sister, brother-in-law, cousins, and friends graduate from college got me thinking about reapplying and finishing my degree at BYU. Watching the graduation filled me with mixed emotions, the first being huge amounts of joy, gratitude, and pride for the accomplishments of my husband and loved ones. Another feeling was: Where are the caps, gowns, and ceremonies for all the mothers out there? Motherhood is rarely celebrated and rarely honored in our society. While toying with the idea of going back to school, I started working on my BYU Former Student Application. I was asked to write a short essay. Here was the prompt:

"Please explain why you now desire to return to the university. What have you accomplished in the time you were away that has prepared you to continue your university studies?"

At first this prompt could seem rather daunting to a mom who hasn't been to school or worked outside of her home for the past 3 years!!! Well.... I haven't completed more classes since then... I haven't received any recognitions, certificates, or even participation awards!!! I haven't gotten any good grades and I don't have any GPA to show for what I've been doing. The closest I have to a degree is my MRS. and MOM degrees....  Can I get an A grade for the work I do as a mom? Or maybe "A" for "Absolutely exhausted"?  Or a "B" for "Beautiful Babies"? Or even a D for "changed 30 Diapers in one day"??

Reflecting on this prompt and writing the follow essay was therapeutic for me and also taught me a lot. Here is the essay I wrote:

"I stopped attending school in 2016, having no idea that the new journey I was embarking on would be more challenging and educational than anything I had yet experienced at any university. My new journey: motherhood. My husband and I married in December 2015. In September 2016 our son was born! Fifteen months after that, our daughter was born! The past few years as a mother of young children with a husband in the engineering program have been the hardest of my life. The experiences have been stretching. My husband and I have felt immense joy, but the demands placed upon our shoulders often felt like more than we could bear. We learned to intentionally invested in our relationship, in raising our children, and in gospel living. My husband graduated yesterday with his civil engineering degree. No one was more proud than I was. What have I accomplished in the past few years that has prepared me to continue at BYU? I have mentally disciplined myself to a new level, as I have birthed two beautiful babies naturally without any medications or pain relief. I have spent countless sleepless nights comforting and nurturing babies, while receiving strength beyond my own. I have overcome feelings of loneliness, isolation, and insignificance as a mother that I was completely unprepared for. I have learned to stand up for my beliefs that motherhood is important, even when those around me doubt its significance or fail to see the sacrifice that motherhood truly entails. I have learned to sacrifice personal dreams and goals in order to hold my family together. I have lifted and strengthened young mothers on their path through sharing what I have learned through my motherhood education. I have learned that the most important things I will do in this life will not be honored with ceremonies, caps, gowns, or degrees. I have learned that I can do things that stretch me beyond what I thought possible. I have learned that with the Lord on my side, I can do anything He needs me to do. "

Since writing this essay, I have been studying the question of whether to continue at school in my mind, in prayer, in the scriptures, and in the words of modern prophets. 

I came across these lines from a talk by Elder Quentin L. Cook. He talks about how the decisions of whether to work or be at home as a mother are very personal: 

"First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. 

Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances. 

Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions."

The more I have studied and prayed, the more I have felt that what I am doing at home is more important than anything I could do at a university or even in the workplace. The decision is personal for everyone, but I just want to say to all women: Heavenly Father will lead and guide you in your unique path! Whatever you do, people will judge you, you will sometimes go unappreciated or unseen, but as long as you are following what you know God wants you to do, your contributions and work are eternally significant and valuable. 

Let's love and support each other, let's not judge, and let's acknowledge that what each of us is doing is important. Let's celebrate each other! But let's also learn to keep doing what needs to be done, even when there is no guaranteed celebration, recognition, or appreciation. The Lord loves us and will reward us each for the labors of love we do for Him.

Breaking Out of the Cage: Societal and Cultural Pressures

Today I was reading in Matthew chapter 14 (in the Bible) and was stunned by what I read in verse 9.

King Herod did not want to kill John the Baptist, but after promising a pretty girl whatever she wanted, he got himself into a lot of trouble. She told him that she wanted John's head on a plate.

Verse 9: "And the king was sorry; nevertheless for the oath's sake, and them which sat with him at meat, he commanded it to be given her."

The king obviously felt that beheading John was very, very wrong. Yet he couldn't resist the pressures of an oath he made, and wanting to please, maybe impress, the people that were with him. He wanted to be the perfect host, the cool guy, the popular king. Or maybe he just wanted to fit in. Maybe he was tired of feeling different. I'm not sure what he was going for, but it makes me sad that he caved into the pressure and did such an awful thing. And John died because of Herod's weakness. Herod's lack of courage to stand up for what was right enabled martyrdom.

This message hit me especially hard today because it goes along perfectly with lessons I have been learning in my own life.

I have struggled so much the past few years since becoming a mom. It's been very confusing because I LOVE my kiddos, and I LOVE being their mom, and I really want to do it full time! But somehow I have frequently felt very unhappy, lonely, anxious, depressed, and very very trapped for a big portion of the last few years.

I often felt like a wild animal that was caught in a little cage. I wanted to break out and be free, but had no idea how, and no idea why I was feeling that way.

After starting to go to therapy and with the support of my wonderful husband, I finally realized that I was suffering because I felt so much cultural and societal pressure. It was crippling. The feeling of needing to meet a certain standard was controlling my lifestyle and decisions. My head was filled with "should"s. My home should be cleaner. I should be spending more time making healthy meals. I should like cooking. I should look a certain way. I should always be happy. I should be teaching my kids all these things. My family should look like theirs. I should love home decor. I should have a cute home. I should wear stylish clothes that I don't like (and then have them ruined by spit up and applesauce and juice spills).  I should be disciplining or not disciplining a certain way. I should be enjoying cleaning and organizing and doing nothing for myself. I shouldn't be unhappy. I shouldn't feel lonely. I shouldn't feel depressed. I should fit in with this group. I shouldn't talk about my interest in ___ because they wound't be interested. I shouldn't act like myself because they wouldn't like the person I really am.

 When I realized all the false ideas that were creating a prison in my mind, and started to recognize specific things that were contributing to that feeling, I suddenly felt so free! I felt like a parrot who was let out of a cage and could finally fly again! I realized that I don't need to fit a cookie cutter standard of how or who people think I should be. And it also made me realize that many, many, many of us fall into this trap. Whether it's society or culture or school or relatives that make you feel like you need to fit a certain mold, the truth is, God doesn't care about whatever mold they are trying to make you fit. He wants you to be the person that He made you to be! The person that He designed you to be is far more beautiful and glorious than the you that is trying to be just like someone else.

The only person I want to be now is the person Heavenly Father wants me to be, and the person that I want to be! God gave me unique gifts and talents and interests. It is part of the sacred stewardship He has entrusted me with to develop those gifts, to explore those interests, and to share those talents. The LAST thing He wants me (or any of us) to do is to push those unique things aside, and try to be someone else.

Tying back to the scripture verse in the beginning: I think it's so dangerous for us to let outside pressures determine our decisions. Whether those pressures lead you into sin or into denying who you really are, living a life dictated by others does not make God happy. Our decisions should stem from within us and from God's direction and loving guidance. God speaks to us in our hearts and minds. He influences us with love, support, and encouragement. If you are feeling pressures and influences from outside sources, it's not from Him unless you can feel Him in your heart and mind (even if those pressures are encouraging you to do something good!) Agency is a key part of God's plan because it is the power to make our own choices. It is the power to choose to follow God. It was never God's plan for us to be pressured into doing good. That was Satan's plan.

God made me to be me. And I am...

a servant who loves Jesus Christ and desires to live according to His teachings.
a serious animal lover- like a really, really big animal lover.
a gal with a gift for nurturing.
a mom who LOVES her kids like crazy.
a loyal friend.
a tuba girl.
a wife who is crazy in love with her man.
a woman who needs meaningful relationships to thrive.
a Christian who thinks sex is awesome, loves talking about healthy sexuality, and who wants to break the culture of silence that so many Christians live in when it comes to sex.
a granola gal who is into natural remedies, natural childbirth, caring for nature and animals, and who tries to eat more veggies.
a girl who thrives on freedom and expression.








Who are you? God made you unique and beautiful!



Also- if you feel like other people's agendas or expectations are controlling or influencing your decisions, and you want to break free and be yourself, I recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend!

Authenticity... And am I becoming a Crazy Parrot Lady???

How this new obsession (whoops!) interest all began...

Although I've written several posts about finding myself as a mom and how important it is for mom's to nurture themselves, it's something I am still working on and learning! (Maybe it always will be! But I'm really hoping that at some point I will get this down and that it won't be a constant struggle! Who knows! :)) So I have still been exploring what things are important for me to have in my life. I've cut some things out and also have considered adding some things.

A big theme that my husband and I have been thinking about and learning lately is "authenticity." Long story short, we are learning that we are so much happier when we are more authentic! Of course there is a balance- but we have realized that being honest with ourselves, each other, and God, really helps us to feel more at peace, be able to accept ourselves more fully, be able to progress in the right direction, and learn more about who God wants us to be.

So, as part of being more authentic- I finally confessed to myself and to Seth something that I have been denying since we got married. I told my husband, "I REALLY want a pet!!!!!!!!!! I know that I kept saying I don't want one because they are dirty and messy and a lot of work and blahblahblahblah, but the truth is- I only say that stuff because I want one so bad!" (or something like that.) I realized that I had convinced myself that I didn't want an animal because I had talked to several moms who totally aren't into pets and think it would be a lot of extra work. But I finally admitted to myself that I am a huge animal lover, and for me the benefits of a pet far out-weigh the added work.

So this got my husband and I talking about what kind of pet we would even consider. Dogs are so lovable and cuddly and nice and are just eager to please their humans! As a kid I wanted a dog so bad that my parents went through all the other options first- we had fish, a guinea pig, parakeets, two cats- and then we got a dog!!!!! (angels singing hallelujah chorus). Then we got another dog!!!! And eventually we even shared a horse with my uncle! Wow- an animal loving kid's dream come true :)

But dogs aren't an option for us right now or in the foreseeable future. Cats?- I am just not a cat person for some reason. They are nice and cute. But owning one isn't appealing to me. Small rodents- hmmm. Not really my thing either. I like all animals, but certain ones aren't ones that I would be excited about owning. The benefits wouldn't outweigh the cons, you know? Horses are dreamy- but don't match up with our lifestyle now or in the foreseeable future. A girl can still dream though- maybe some day. :)

Then we started looking into budgies (typically called "parakeets" in the USA). They are cute and nice and the more I learned about them, the more I realized that I have misunderstood them my whole life! I am guilty of thinking of birds as more of fish-type-pets. They look pretty but you can't really interact with them. The more and more I have learned, the more and more I have realized that that is so wrong! Birds are possibly even more needy for attention and relationships than dogs! When they are tamed and have plenty of interaction from their humans, they become part of the family and love to interact. They consider the humans around them as their flock and rely on those relationships.

As I studied more and more about budgies- I started to venture into the world of parrots- reading books about parrot well-being, health, training, etc. Because after all, parakeets are parrots, they are just very small!

The more I studied, the more fascinated I became. I learned that unlike domesticated animals, parrots- including ones who live in domestication- are still wild animals. Unlike a domesticated, pet, they haven't been bred over thousands of years to please their human companions and to live with humans. So living with a parrot is less like living with a dog, and more like living with a zoo animal. In other words, you can train them with positive reinforcement and try to reduce undesirable tendencies, but you can't really blame them for doing things that you find undesirable that are their natural wild tendencies! (Being noisy, being messy, going through different life phases, needing to have their own territory, becoming more "wild" if they aren't given attention, behavior issues that result from neglect.)

I also watched a documentary called "Parrots Confidential," which is heart-breaking, emotional, and inspiring. Although it lacks examples of parrots who live happily with human companions and humans who are educated and thoughtful about caring for their parrot companions, it shows the sad situation of parrots who are neglected and unwanted due to overpopulation in domestication and due to people who want them as "pets" without being truly prepared and educated for the responsibility of parrot ownership.

Anyways- I have really enjoyed learning more about parrots and I think they are amazing creatures! The more I study the more I also have a desire to provide a good, enriching home for a parrot or two, and to enjoy their companionship while also benefiting the animals.

I never knew I could be so interested in parrots but I guess it's just an example of how marriage works- you put together two people with different interests and likes and dislikes, and both spouses learn new things about themselves and find themselves going in a direction together that they never would have imagined going in their previous lives.