Moms: Losing Yourself Without Forgetting Yourself

I've recently been thinking about a paradox that has been brought to my attention throughout my time being a mom.

It begins with this verse from the Bible:

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:25


I feel very strongly that mothers really live this scripture verse! I can think of few others who "lose their life" for Christ's sake in the way that mothers do.

On the other hand, there have been times I have felt I have lost myself in a way that just doesn't feel quite right...

Talking to a friend:
Friend: So, what have you been up to lately?
(I think about my last couple of days: changed lots of diapers, took naps while trying to get the kids to sleep, cleaned the house a billion times but it looks like it hasn't been cleaned in a year, played with toys, read children's books, almost drowned in dirty laundry, kissed lots of owwies.)
Me: Uhhh.... Not much.
Friend: What do you like to do?
Me: Uhh..... I don't really do anything. Change diapers?..Wait! I like to play trucks! ...and draw BIG dragons!!! ... Does that count?


I really DO love playing trucks and drawing big dragons- because it makes my son Eli SOOOO happy! I love making my kids happy, and making sure they are taken care of, and nurturing them, and giving them my full attention, and just being there for them! Nothing I have ever done has brought more meaning to my life than being a wife and mother.

But there have been times since becoming a mom that I've felt like maybe I've lost myself a little too much. This has caused me a lot of confusion. I'm supposed to lose myself in service, right??

In some ways, becoming a mother has changed me in ways that have made me feel more like my true self -the self that God intends me to eventually become. I have been more refined, stretched, and strengthened than ever before. Motherhood has required me to become more selfless than ever before. I've learned to put my kids needs above my own desires at many times. I've learned to find balance, and simplify life so that I can focus on the things that really, really matter to me- and that really bring me joy. My marriage has been strengthened and I treasure my marriage and husband more than ever before. And our kids bring us SO much joy!

But on those days that I can't even remember what I like to do, I sometimes don't feel like myself anymore.

Tonight a few things clicked in my mind.

But I have to give a little background info first-

Ever since having kids, I feel like I've kind of been searching for some kind of hobby or interest. Something to make me feel unique again. And to make me feel like I'm learning and growing. I've jumped around and tried several things. But I've often felt that somehow I have lost the Erica that I used to be before becoming a mom.

Recently, during our summer vacation in Virginia, my parents put together an opportunity for me and my husband to ride horses! Riding horses is something I always dreamt of doing as a kid, and then had the opportunity to get involved in when I was around 11-16. I took lessons, and we even owned/shared a horse for a while. When I moved at age 16, I kind of left it all behind me and didn't have the same opportunities anymore.

When we rode in Virginia, I felt like my old self again. Riding was so therapeutic! And afterwards, my sister and parents said things like, "It's so good to see Erica on a horse again." And my husband was so surprised to see a part of me he had never seen before! It made him happy to see me light up and enjoy myself like that.

It made me realize that riding horses is something that could make me feel like my old self again. It could make me feel like Erica. But while considering the costs and sacrifices of riding horses, I've been questioning whether it is worth it. ...Is it ok to spend 2-3 hours away from my kids each week to go be with horses- just because it's something I want to do, and because I need some time to myself??? Is it really worth it to spend money just so I can go enjoy myself and pursue an interest?? Is it ok to let someone else watch my kids for a little while so I can take that time???
...Are people going to think I'm a bad mom?

Mom's can feel guilty about anything. (I guess it's some kind of special skill!! ....)

My husband has always been so supportive of me! And after seeing me ride a horse, he started encouraging me to think about taking lessons. While walking tonight with my husband, I was expressing all of these fears/doubts/confusions to him. He said something that just made everything click in my mind.

He reminded me that President Russell M. Nelson (Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), who I believe whole-heartedly to be a man of God, likes to ski! Last General Conference, several of the apostles lovingly and teasingly referred to how President Nelson likes to ski (even being 94 years old!) and that he even took his grandchildren skiing (because his own children were too old!)! They joked about having problems keeping him off the slopes!

I remember listening to conference, and finding out that President Nelson likes to ski. I thought it was so fun- it made me want to get to know President Nelson more! It struck me: the fact that President Nelson skis does not make him any less dedicated to the Lord, or to serving members of the Church and all people of the world! In fact, knowing that he skis makes him seem so human- so personable, so fun, so real, so relatable. I respect him and follow him, knowing that he is a prophet of God. But knowing he skis makes me want to get to know him just for who he is!


(President Nelson is the second from the right)

As a mom, having personal interests doesn't make me any less dedicated to my family. It makes me more human- it makes me more approachable, more personable, more real! It makes me fun to get to know. It helps me talk to other people and connect with them. It even benefits my children- it gives them a mom who can let go of the stresses of everyday life and be fun! It gives them a mom who loves life, who cherishes her time with them, and who can be more present at home because she is reassured that she will have time for herself later.

Just like the men and women of God who lead the Church have interests and hobbies, we moms can (and should) have interests and hobbies too (whether reading a book, skiing, sewing, cooking, yoga, karate, talking with a friend, etc). We can serve our family, and still take care of ourselves.

Losing ourself in the service of our families is truly a noble cause. But Heavenly Father doesn't want us to forget ourselves. He doesn't want us to constantly put our own needs, well being, emotional health, and even interests on the back burner. He wants us to take care of ourselves, and to nurture the interests, talents, and hobbies that He planted within us. He made each of us unique. He made each of us fun, interesting, and exciting. He wants us to be excited about getting to know ourselves and others, and about learning new things and developing our talents.

So, I'm starting to understand that there is a way to lose myself in service to my children without forgetting to take care of and nurture myself.