It's a monster.

 OCD

It's intense fear. You're always running from it, knowing it could catch you as soon as you stop.

I published a book this past week. It's the best book I've written so far. But it doesn't matter. No matter how perfect the grammar is, how compelling the story is, how inspiring the message is... it still isn't enough. My OCD lied to me. It said that I would feel better once I finished. (It said that with my previous books too.) It compelled me to work long, exhausting hours. (Even after the inspiration and flow wore off.) I recorded the message, wrote the story, felt inspired. It wasn't enough. OCD said I couldn't stop until it was finished. "When it's done, you will feel better," the monster lied.

It's never satisfied. I publish the book. It is received with loving and open arms by friends and family. It receives wonderful reviews, humbling praise. 

But my monster isn't satisfied. In fact, it keeps me so busy that I don't have a moment alone with God and my book to appreciate the accomplishment, the miracle that it is. 

Nope, because the OCD says "get back to work. This book is worthless unless you write another." So I write. I brainstorm. I create. And somewhere in the rush, the magic of creating something new is replaced with a frenzied need to find acceptance and peace. So I continue with my compulsions, writing new books and checking social media, hoping for outside approval. Because my inside won't give me the approval that I crave.

Do I feel guilty when I spend hours each day checking social media, checking Amazon, checking my publishing site, while my kids ask for my attention. 

Of course.

And my OCD jumps at the opportunity. "You won't be a good mom until...you spend more time, give them EVERYTHING they need, go outside more, attend more social events with them, clean the house (AGAIN)."

if I start to recognize the monster for what it is, accepting that I am a good mother, it has plenty of other fuel. 

"You won't be a good author until...

You won't make up for not graduating from college until...

You won't be a good friend until..."

It's endless. 

Obsessive compulsive disorder CAN. NOT. be satisfied.

And then I remember that I've been neglecting my ERP practice. The one therapy practice that has been proven to help with OCD.

I've been telling myself that I don't need it. After all, it's such a simple thing.

In reality, I'm terrified. My internal defense system will do anything to avoid ERP. 

It's painful. It's choosing to face my fears. It's choosing to expose my weakness, embrace the fear, and then sit with it as my heart beats fast and my head spins. My body and all my survival instincts scream "get me out of here!"

But it's the only way. 

No amount of talk therapy will cure my OCD. No amount of rumination or analyzing. In fact, those things will feed my monster. The monster will ALWAYS demand more. It cannot be satisfied. 

There are hard moments. There are hard weeks. There are hard months and years. 

This one has been a hard week. (The week or so after publishing always is... and it's sad when I stop long enough to think about it. Stopping that long is painful though, so it doesn't happen often.) I wish I could feel excited, accomplished, pleased. But excitement is dangerous. It has been for the last several years. Excitement quickly turns to anxiety. And anxiety quickly turns to OCD. I try to avoid things that excite me. (Avoidance... Oh dear, another compulsion.)

But there are happy moments. My OCD distracts me from them.

But I can be merciful to myself and chose to live in the moment. Choose to embrace the next happy moment. I can allow myself to mourn the losses in my life. The loss of time. The loss of moments and memories that OCD has consumed. 

Things will get better, but it's okay that it doesn't feel that way. 

Pure O Voices: Invisible Battles

"Pure O is a form of OCD marked by intrusive, unwanted, and uncontrollable thoughts (or obsessions). While someone experiencing Pure O may not engage in obvious behaviors related to their intrusive thoughts, such as counting, arranging, or hand-washing, the disorder is instead accompanied by hidden mental rituals."

https://www.verywellmind.com/pure-o-primarily-obsessional-ocd-4159144

The Struggles:

I like to talk about my surface level obsessions, like the time I obsessed about hedgehogs for about 5 days straight, day and night. Or worse, the time I couldn't stop obsessing about snakes for 3 weeks (now I have nightmares about snakes). Because even though it's vulnerable, it's a lot less vulnerable than other distressing parts of OCD.

 Sometimes I just feel like a worthless piece of baloney. 

I need to repent. I don't deserve friends. I'm not enough for God. 

I think everyone knows what it feels like to be physically sick. But being mentally sick is hard to put into words. 

It's those days that you feel like you don't deserve friends. Because you wake up from disturbing dreams and have disturbing thoughts during the day. OCD makes you feel like you just have to avoid all people. But avoiding people makes it worse. The thoughts tell me that I'm not good enough or clean enough to be with my friends. No matter how joyful and grateful you are in your marriage, SO OCD and ROCD tell you "Well, what if you cheat?" and so you want to avoid people to make sure that doesn't happen. You overanalyze all of your interactions with people, because your relationship is too important to let any hint of unfaithfulness enter your life. 

OCD targets the things that are most important to you and then corrupts them. And it's hard to brush those thoughts and feelings off. Even though you know they're baloney 

It's those days you reach for your scriptures (which used to be the greatest source of comfort in your life), but then cringe inside before you even touch them, and feel "I'm not ready today." 

Religious OCD makes you feel so weak. Like your attempts to connect with God are so insignificant. And then the feelings of inadequacy and guilt become associated with living your faith, and it gets harder to enjoy the things you once enjoyed about worship. 

Religious OCD is cringing inside when someone talks about a conference talk/spiritual message they read (Why am I cringing?? I love conference talks!) because you feel guilty for not having read the same talk. 

Religious OCD is walking to your Sunday school class, standing in the doorway, then walking away because the guilty feelings are already starting to creep up inside you and twist your stomach into a knot. 

Religious OCD is hearing people say, "I'm so excited for the temples (one of our most special places of worship) to open up again (after COVID-19 had them closed)" and feeling terrible for not having felt the same way. Hearing "Hopefully the temples will be opening soon." and feeling guilt wash over me that I'll never be able to go to the temple enough. (I used to go to the temple every single week just because I loved it so much! But now thinking about going inside causes anxiety.) 

Religious OCD is preferring to sit to pray instead of kneel to pray. Because every time my knees hit the ground, a kid asks for help. And then feeling guilty for not kneeling. 

The Lessons:

Struggling with HOCD and ROCD has taught me that I can talk to my husband about anything, and he will love me unconditionally. And as soon as I'm able to get the fears out in the open with him, a sense of safety and peace wrap around me, and I know that things will be okay. I feel closer to him, safer with him, and am increasingly more grateful for my marriage and my sweet husband. 

Struggling with HOCD has taught me that I need friends. 

"Wherefore by their ^afruits ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20, the Bible 

Instead of ruminating about things (like thinking I need to avoid people), I can move forward with faith and experience things. Like being with friends. Then I feel the goodness of being there with them, and I am reassured that everything is okay.

Struggling with Religious OCD (Scrupulosity) has taught me so much! Since understanding and learning about Religious OCD, I have found that I am able to enjoy my faith once again. 

I am learning to extend mercy to myself. 

Somedays I know that I'm not ready to read the scriptures, but the Lord tells me in my heart "That's okay, Daughter. Maybe today you can just think of Me." (In our church, there is a lot of emphasis on studying scripture. It is an important daily ritual for us.) Or somedays I'm feeling up for a little more, and He tells me, "Maybe today you can just hold the scriptures in your hands while you think of your favorite verse." And when I do those little, tiny, seemingly-insignifacnt things, I feel an outpouring of His love. And I am blown away by His mercy, grace, and GOODNESS. I stand amazed that He loves me and blesses me, even when I am so weak and incapable. He makes me strong. He fills me with joy and gratitude, meaning and purpose. 

My Lord redeems me from all things difficult, whether my fault or not. 

Religious OCD has taught me to come to know the Lord on a deeper level. To trust Him on a deeper level. To let Him prevail in my life more fully.

The Lord loves broken things. 

Because the cracks give space for His light to fill us. 

And being filled by Him feels better than being filled by anything else. 

I'm so grateful for the chance to learn about Him. To experience Him in a way that is deeply personal and significant. 

I think it is beautiful that every single one of us has a completely unique life and personality. And that He desires to be our personal Teacher. He teaches us in ways that no one else can. He can make every unfair thing into something that will bless our lives. I can't say enough about Him. 

* I like to share my experiences because there are many people who are deeply affected and deeply suffering because their OCD struggles are so intense and too difficult to share. My heart aches for those who struggle more than I do. My struggles are hard, but I can't begin to imagine the depth of pain and loneliness that some OCD strugglers experience. I hope to bring awareness to their situations (as well as to everyone who struggles in anyway). 

How OCD and Anxiety Feel (For Me)

 I feel like I'm being hunted. My heart races. My chest feels tight. My mind spirals. But where do I run? There's no where to go when the monster is inside of your head. 

OCD feels like a monster in my head. But the weird thing is that the monster doesn't look bad. It looks good. The monster is wearing a pristine, ironed outfit—somewhat old-fashioned and traditional in style, but in a way that feels "right." The monster's whole appearance has a certain rightness that I will never achieve. The monster's hair is tightly pulled back in a bun—no stray hairs, no cowlicks, nothing out of place. 

The monster looks friendly. It looks righteous. It looks good. It looks like the person I'll never be. Sometimes the monster feels good too. Maybe because it's always there. It's reliable. It's consistent.

But even though the monster looks good, when I stop to think about it, in brief moments I realize that the monster doesn't treat me well. Those moments don't last long though. In an instant I forget the criticism, the belittling, the constant nagging... And I convince myself the monster is good and worth paying attention to. Why? I don't know. Probably because the monster embodies all of the things I'm supposed to be but never will be.

OCD feels like I'm never enough. It's so real. So convincing. And so...normal. I'm not sure what my mind would feel like without it there. Is it not normal to have a voice inside your head that constantly belittles you, tells you you aren't enough, convinces you you should be doing more? More of what I'm not sure... Maybe just more of whatever is unachievable and out of reach. 

The consequence of not listening to the monster? It's bad. BAD. Whatever will happen if I don't listen to the monster—although I can't quite put into words what that thing is that is sure to happen—I FEAR it. I fear what will happen if I don't listen to the monster. The monster almost always tells me what to do. 

The monster tells me how to be a better mom. Then it tells me that my efforts were not enough. And I should try something totally different. Because maybe I can still redeem my pathetic attempts. First I'm supposed to be a better housekeeper. When that doesn't work, I'm supposed to give up on housekeeping altogether and do something else that I might succeed at. (But who knows what that is! The monster isn't very good at explaining things. And when it tries to explain, its logic ends up as a blur between perfect sense and complete nonsense—I'm usually not sure which it really is.)

OCD is spending one day trying to be present, happy, and involved as a mother. Then spending the next day guilty brainwashing myself by pursuing some kind of bizarre obsession, hoping it will distract me from the pain of failure and inadequacy. 

OCD is feeling like you need to cry... but all the cry is stuck in a bottle, and you can't get the cork off the top to let it out. It's just stuck inside, bouncing around, turning into ferocious anxiety that might eat you if you do end up getting that cork off.

OCD and anxiety feel like desperately needing connection, but fearing anything that might actually make that connection possible. Like seeing people. Or talking to someone. 

OCD is intense fear of being present. And feeling completely incapable of being present. All while craving mindfulness like some kind of illegal sustenance. Mindfulness is the thing you need and the thing you can't have. It's the thing you fear and the deepest desire that feels like it will fill the emptiness. 

OCD tells me that if I don't do that one thing (what that thing is changes frequently), my life will be unfulfilling, and all the good things that I have done that aren't that one thing will be pointless. 

It feels like there are a lot of invisible monsters in today's world. Monsters that you as an individual might deal with everyday, that no-one else seems to see. But maybe by shining some light on our monster's ugly faces, we'll be able to make more sense of them, see them for what they are, and then walk past them without giving them what they want—our unhappiness. 

In contrast to those invisible monsters lurking in the shadows, I believe in angels. Angels that are fighting battles with us. Angels that shine light at those monsters and tell them to get lost. Angels that sit and listen when we need to talk. Angels that put their arms around us. Angels that say, "I'm brining you dinner."  Angels that are hard to recognize at first glance. Angels who are invisible, or who are visible, but look like an ordinary person—a cherished friend, a loving family member, a friendly neighbor. And angels who we can't see, but if we could see, we might recognize as an ancestor. 

In the times we feel alone, I know we are not alone. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel lonely, but it means there is hope. There is friendship. There is love, acceptance, and peace. If not in the moment, the good things will come eventually. It's okay to let hard moments be hard. We are here on the earth to experience the good and the bad. And without the bad, the good wouldn't be as gloriously sweet. 

OCD—Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

 

Until recently, I only thought of "OCD" as an expression of speech—like when someone straightens out a picture frame and says, "I had to fix it. I'm kinda OCD." 

But now those three letters, O.C.D., mean a lot more to me. Right now they mean "hope." Hope for understanding and connection.

For years I've wished I had  a way of describing and explaining the mental struggles I experience. Therapists have been puzzled by the things I've explained to them. Sometimes my experiences seem funny to others, including myself. And my loving family members have been confused by my experiences too. 

But recently I've been learning more about OCD, and I'm excited to keep learning. I'm excited for my first appointment with a therapist who specializes in OCD and anxiety. At least I think I'm excited...if excitement feels like a mixture of insecurity, embarrassment, hope, happiness, desire to learn, impatience, and peace. 

Based on what I've learned recently, OCD can be much different than what most of us instantly think of when we hear that all too casually used acronym. 

When most of us hear obsessive compulsive disorder, we think of someone who can't stop organizing their bedroom, can't stop cleaning their kitchen, or always has to have their school supplies sitting on their desk in a specific pattern. These all could be symptoms of OCD—but not always. And for those who do have compulsions to wash hands, organize or clean, it's no joke. For someone with OCD, they can't just straighten the picture frame and then feel relief. It's not just "Oh, that was an OCD moment. Now it's fixed." The way we often joke about OCD makes it seem like a positive attribute—a way of describing someone who is exceptionally neat and tidy, or who always seems to have everything "perfect." But for someone who actually has obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD is not a positive descriptive word, it is a disorder. And it's hard. 

I'm learning that many people have had experiences with OCD that are extremely debilitating. Luckily, mine have not been so bad. 

Here are some of my experiences with OCD:

-College was hard. My college experience has been a strange paradox of two things: 1.) being a great student with very good grades and loving school. 2.) feeling completely incapable of ever graduating. In my early college years (in 2011) and even in my recent attempt at going back to school (2019), I have had a frequent and reoccurring pattern. First, something triggers anxiety—maybe an assignment, worrying about staying up late to finish something, etc. Next, the anxiety starts to spiral out of control. I start to question all of my decisions about what major I chose. I begin to frantically research different majors, feeling like I might have just ruined my life by choosing the wrong major. How could I ever possibly graduate with THIS major? I wouldn't be able to live a happy life and pursue my dreams on this path. If I do this major, I'll never get to follow these other dreams. Etc, etc, etc. These obsessive thoughts overwhelm me and fill me with uncertainty. The next thing I know, I'm changing my major. Because with OCD, you often perform a compulsive action in an attempt to calm your racing, obsessive thoughts. So, I'll fill out online forms to change to a different major, sometimes requiring signatures from the heads of certain departments. I'll complete all the necessary steps as quickly as possible. But with OCD, the compulsive behavior does not relieve the obsession (and accompanying anxiety). So, as soon as the change would go through, I'd have the thoughts again. What was I thinking? I'll never finish school if I change majors. I'd better change back! Everything felt URGENT. Sometimes I'd change my major 2 or 3 times in one day (perhaps all within just a few hours). I'd call my mom, feeling frantic, and she'd try to help talk me through it. 

-When I touch certain things, especially chemicals for cleaning, I feel them on my hands, even after washing several times. I have to wash many times before forgetting the feeling. 

-I always check that my door is locked a couple times (car door or house door), even after locking it. I have to push the "lock" button for my car several times (at least 4ish), probably annoying the neighbors with the beep beep beep beeeeeeeep. 

-I am constantly counting certain things. Whenever I go anywhere I constantly count the items in my purse. Wallet, Phone, Keys. Wallet, Phone, Keys. Okay. Then after a few minutes I check again. And again. And again. I will count them every few minutes until I get home and put my purse back down in its spot. When I'm checking out at the store I have to make sure all my cards are in my wallet (sometimes while standing at the cash register area and with people waiting in line behind me to check out). Then as I walk away from the register, I usually unzip my wallet and check again to make sure I actually did put my debit card back in it. I might check again in the car too.

-When I buy new clothes I have to count them whenever I go to my closet. 4 jeans, 5 shirts. 4 jeans, 5 shirts. 

-When I'm walking and see a rock in the sidewalk, I worry that if I don't move it then a kid will ride a scooter, hit the rock, and get seriously injured. I also worry that if I don't pick up a piece of trash, a bird will choke on it and die. One symptom of OCD is to worry that you will cause harm to others by not doing something. You get the feeling that just by neglecting to act on an obsessive thought, something bad will happen. 

-I check the stove knobs again and again to make sure that they aren't turned slightly on and are letting gas fill our house. I always check these before bed (regardless of how recently I checked or how many times I checked during the day), as well as making sure there aren't things that could catch fire nearby the toaster. 

-I've struggled with religious OCD (scrupulosity) for much of my life without ever realizing it. As a kid I felt responsible for my family's spiritual well-being. I felt like the solution to almost any problem was more scripture study and more prayer. Instead of hanging out with my family in the living room, I often felt the need to go outside and study scriptures for hours. This was often enjoyable and I'm glad I had those experiences studying and praying as a teenager, but now I also realize that there were OCD behaviors involved. Part of religious OCD can be perfectionism, or feeling like God is harsh and judgmental, rather than loving and forgiving. I experienced those feelings as a new mother. Somehow my mind shifted from "God loves me and I like connecting with him through my worship" to "if I don't pray, my kids might get seriously hurt when I go outside" or just an impending feeling of bad things happening if I didn't study scriptures. I often set a moral standard for myself that was higher than my church's actual moral standard. I made up rules that I thought I needed to follow that weren't actually commandments or expectations from my church (like thinking I needed to be a traditional mother and that if I wanted to do things other than cook, clean, and raise kids I wouldn't be a good mom, or thinking that if I tried to finish school it wouldn't be pleasing to God and would affect my family in seriously detrimental ways). I thought God expected all of these things from me, even though I now realize He didn't. It was my OCD that was putting those expectations and that pressure on me. 

-I have OCD tendencies around technology. Sometimes technology bothers me SO much. I remember wishing I could smash our family computer as a kid because I felt I (or someone else) had spent too much time on it. My anxiety often gets triggered when my husband pulls out his laptop to work on something. It's just a weird thing! I have some kind of rule in my mind about computers. Internally I have rules about how long is too long to be on the computer. 

-I love animals, and many of my recent OCD struggles have been focused on certain animal species. We adopted Guinea Pigs about a year ago. I had to have a pet. I just knew it would solve all of my problems. But even after getting two Guinea Pigs (I loved them!), I still couldn't stop obsessing about how to take care of them. I spent hours researching. I started to think that in order to have a good life, they needed to live in a small herd. I was able to rescue two more Guinea Pigs. I was convinced that they would be so much happier if all four Guinea Pigs could live together in one habitat rather than in two separate habitats. I spent hours and hours and hours and days and days and days learning how to properly introduce Guinea Pigs to each other, then trying to introduce my Guinea Pigs to each other in the perfect setting. When it didn't work time and time again, I was very discouraged. Even depressed. I think I cried about it. During the process of trying to make them an ideal habitat, I even converted a metal shelf we had been using for other things into a Giant Guinea Pig cage. Then I decided I needed to buy the right supplies to make a better cage. I was willing to sell anything I owned to buy the supplies. I would go to department stores just so I could stare at the supplies I needed. 

-One of my worst animal OCD experiences was with snakes. I've always loved animals, but never had been very interested in or comfortable with snakes. I can't remember what triggered it, but several months ago  I got intensely interested in snakes. For three entire weeks I could not stop thinking about snakes, both day and night. I would go to sleep thinking about snakes, dream about snakes, then wake up thinking about snakes. I needed a snake. I spent hours a day researching them. I even found exactly what snake I wanted to buy. My husband is sooo good. He has helped me so much. He suggested we wait on the snake for a little while. After all, we'd be having a new baby soon and it was a busy phase of life. He was concerned that once the baby was born I wouldn't be too happy about having to feed a snake, etc. I didn't believe him, but I trusted him and tried to wait. It was painful. I still couldn't stop thinking about snakes, and I felt I would never be able to stop thinking about them until we bought one. Thankfully the phase eventually passed, and now I'm grateful I don't currently have a snake. 

-I've also had obsessive phases with cats and dogs, where if it weren't for my sweet husband, I would have compulsively adopted animals that I was allergic too and didn't have time or money to take care of.

-After having kids, I would get up frequently at night to check on them, always putting my hand by their mouth or nose to check that they were still breathing. I'm finally starting to get better at sleeping through the night without worrying, but I still check on them quite a bit. 

-After publishing my first book, Luna's Rescue, my excitement evolved. Before I knew it I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it was exhausting. All day long for days my mind would be running a million miles a minute, wondering if I made a spelling error, whether I should change the margins or spacing, wondering if people would like it, worried that people wouldn't, obsessing over how to improve the alignment of the cover, etc. I spent a lot of time obsessively checking for errors again and again. Within a day or two of publishing my excitement had turned to exhausting anxiety and I just wished I could turn my brain off, but I didn't know how. 

-I'm getting much better at this, but for quite a while as a new mom I had a fear of getting interested in something. I would never take any time to do something for myself as a mom. I couldn't relax. I couldn't enjoy myself.  For the first several years after being a mom, I was afraid to have interests. I was afraid that if I got interested in something that I would become obsessed with it and then abandon my family in pursuit of this interests (hobby, job, etc). *interestingly, people who have OCD often have obsessions about their worst fears (leaving their family, leaving their religion, etc), but people with OCD are actually extremely unlikely to actually do the things they are afraid of doing. (Often, people with OCD are people who are sensitive and care very deeply about people, their faith, etc. Unfortunately, they are sometimes plagued with constant worries about betraying the things they love most.) 

-When I got courage as a new mom to try getting back into a hobby, I started horseback riding. It felt impossible to not obsess about it. Eventually I was convinced I needed a horse if I wanted to have a good life. I would cry when I realized it would take years to save up enough for a horse. I couldn't like horses and not be all in. It felt like all or nothing were the only options (that's how most things are for me). So, like many other interests, I tried to just stop liking horses altogether. I figured it would be better to completely forget I ever liked horses than to like them. Because liking them and occasionally getting to be around them would just leave me obsessing 24/7, leaving me unable to focus on taking care of my kids or enjoying anything else in life.

***This is a common compulsion for those with OCD: The compulsion is to avoid something that you have obsessions about (or might have obsessions about.)

Some mothers also experience postpartum OCD (just like how some moms experience postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression). I believe that my OCD changed with postpartum and with the change of my life circumstances and routine. After having kids I had pretty intense religious OCD for quite a while. I had fears about bad things happening to my kids all the time. I also avoided getting together with people sometimes because of my fears. I felt so different than other people. 

I'm so grateful for what I'm learning. I'm in a much healthier place today than I have been in a long time. It feels so good! 

 If you struggle with any of these things or think you might have OCD or anxiety, I'd love to connect. I'm looking forward to having a support group of friends. 

Journey of Faith- My Thoughts About Joseph Smith and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Along with physical and spiritual challenges I faced in the past year, among the most difficult of the challenges for me were those related to my faith.

Faith crisis. It is not uncommon. Many of us have or will experience this someday. A time where you begin to question things you don't want to question. You feel the uncertainty of having to examine the very foundation under your feet. You feel the discomfort of sitting in the unknown and knowing you have to step further into it before getting out- if there is an out. It's a scary place to be.

Ever since I was about 12 years old, I've had a growing and deepening love for Jesus Christ, and closely tied to that love, a love for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The Church is the source through which I've learned about Jesus Christ and grown to love Him, so in my mind Christ and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were inseparable.

In the past year, I have had my faith challenged. I've had new ideas and perspectives brought to my attention. I've studied the history of families and women. I've studied the history of the Church I belong to. And I have discussed and analyzed some controversial topics along the way. I've had intervals lasting months in which I've struggled to feel that God was there. I've struggled with questions about my identity and role as a woman, my place in the church, my place in the world, my place in my family, historical questions, doctrinal questions, etc. I've tried to be open to listening to the perspectives and ideas of others- including those who believe differently than I do.

When I was 12 years old, I began to read the Book of Mormon for myself. Because I wanted to. I remember highlighting lines that touched me with a red pencil. I remember the feelings that overwhelmed me as I read. Once I was 10 or so pages into the book, I realized I was highlighting everything red, so nothing stood out anymore! I didn't understand everything I read. But I understood how I felt. I felt good. I felt inspired. I felt God's love. I felt that I had a Savior who knew me.

Fast forward 14 years, and I'm questioning things I hadn't questioned since then. I had questions about my testimony, about the church I belong to, about the prophet Joseph Smith and the dramatic history surrounding his life.

I had to start from scratch in some ways. I began to take my questions back to the basics. Is this really all true?

Through all of this questioning and studying, this is the conclusion I have come to.

The Book of Mormon is still true.

The feelings and knowledge I have about my Savior burn stronger and purer as I study the Book of Mormon.

And to me the answer is that simple.

And as I've continued to step forward, the cloudy fog that surrounded me for a time has dissipated more and more, and left me feeling the light again. In new, bigger ways.

The Book of Mormon cannot be partially true. It cannot simply be a well-done piece of historical literature. Jospeh Smith very clearly stated that it was translated from an ancient record by the power of God. That was either true, or was a lie. And I have chosen for myself that it has to be true. We all have to choose that for ourselves. And the answer will not satisfy us if it comes from someone else. The answer to that question only satisfies me when it comes from God, who is my source of truth.

Jospeh Smith was a man. He was not the Savior. He was not perfect. He was an ordinary man, with an extraordinary task from God, and an extraordinary determination to be worthy of that task. He was a man with sins, flaws, weaknesses, family troubles, financial troubles, questions, emotions, and concerns. But also a man who loved Jesus Christ deeply, who desired to follow Christ, who was willing to repent, who had faith, and who was willing to work to do whatever the Lord asked of him. A man like Moses. A man like Noah. A man like Peter or James or John.

Learning about intricacies of Joseph's history that are controversial to some has -perhaps contrary to what most would expect- deepened my appreciation and admiration for the prophet Jospeh Smith. I will not argue that he was perfect. I will not argue against historical evidence of things he did that seem strange in our historical and cultural context. I will not argue against the fact that he sinned, made mistakes, and acted imperfectly at times. But I will defend him as a prophet of God and a good man. I am forever grateful that he has enabled me to know more about my Savior. Because Joseph Smith was willing to do the hard things required of him, I know more about my Savior than I possibly could otherwise! I am grateful that his life, his history, his character, and the people who followed him, are all imperfect. This gives me even more confidence that Jesus Christ is my Savior, and that the rest of us are all in the same boat together- we are imperfect! The only way to succeed is to rely wholly upon Him. To come to Him again and again and again. To be willing to repent and forgive. To be willing to trust Him. To be willing to do hard things. Things that stretch us until we break. And when we break, we go back to the Great Healer and ask Him to heal us again. And again. And again.

The Book of Mormon is true, and the only way it could possibly be true is that Jospeh Smith was a prophet of God, who translated the Book of Mormon by command from the Savior himself.

Tied to this testimony that the Book of Mormon is true is my conviction that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Lord's Church on the earth today! It is His Church of the New Testament restored in these days, so that we can continue to be taught and enjoy the blessings that Christ offers through His church!

One way in which my testimony of Jesus Christ and His teachings has grown and developed through this past year is that my mind has become more open, less cautious and more faith-filled, to asking questions, thinking critically, and seeking truth.

Although I state that I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is Christ's true church, what I do not mean is that somehow members of this church are superior, more special, or more spiritual than God's children of other faiths.

I believe that God speaks to His children and guides them all around the world, through many means! I believe that He is found in nature, through other people, through pieces of truth that come in many ways. I believe that there are people around the world of other religions who know things that I need to know! That the members of my church need to know! For example, the reverence in which those of the Jewish faith worship on the Sabbath, and the way that they really study God's word. Or the dedication with which Muslims pray! The way that the Muslim people think of Allah constantly and live their lives with such admirable dedication and faith. The deeply peaceful and spiritual feelings evoked by those who practice Buddhism. The amazing music and messages shared by my friends of non-denominational Christianity or Christianity of other sects. The love that these Christians around the world show to others. The Baptist choirs! The way in which faithful believers around the world seek God's guidance and then act on it in whichever way they know how.

I hope to follow the example of the leaders of my faith by reaching out to our friends of other faiths and learning about them! I hope I can build understanding with all of the wonderful people I meet, and that I can learn from what they have! I believe that all people who seek God and strive to live the way He asks have something to share.

Here is what I have to share-
I believe in the restoration of Jesus Christ's gospel. Restoration, meaning a gathering and resurfacing of all truth. I believe that this restoration began when Jesus Christ and God the Father appeared to Joseph Smith in answer to his prayer. Or perhaps it began long before that, through the individuals who helped the United States of America to be a country that honors freedom of religion and worship. And perhaps the restoration began with religious individuals around the world who sought greater knowledge and truth from God- like Martin Luther.

But what I have to share is that God has restored His priesthood authority to the earth. Meaning that He has restored the power needed to organize Christ's church in the exact way that Christ did when He was on the earth- with prophets and apostles. Priesthood authority also enables us to participate in sacred ordinances- like baptism, and the sacrament- with God's direction and authority. The same authority that Christ gave to His twelve disciples.

Another thing I have to share is that while God speaks to each of us individually as we seek guidance for our personal lives, He also speaks to the entire world through His chosen prophet! Today's prophet is President Russell M. Nelson! I wholeheartedly believe that he has been given authority from God to speak to the whole world and reveal to us God's word for us! What a miracle! You can listen to President Nelson speak, pray about what he says, and feel that it is truly from God.

Another thing I have to share is that families can be eternal! Because of the priesthood authority that has been restored in Christ's church, when a husband and wife are married, they can be married for eternity, rather than until death. This brings me so much joy and hope! I believe that in the next life, my husband, children, parents, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all of my relatives can still be mine! I also believe that necessary ordinances- like baptism- can be made available to all of God's children, whether living or deceased, because of the restoration of priesthood authority.

These things are all real to me because of the Book of Mormon. Focusing on anything else just won't work. Throughout the imperfect history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints- with all of the inspiration, faith, sacrifice, conflict, sin, mistakes, suffering, historical and cultural nuances- the Book of Mormon is the one thing that remains a perfect evidence of the truth of this Church through everything. It was true then, and it is true now. I believe this because I have read the Book of Mormon and have asked God if it is true. And I cannot deny my answer.

I got the same answer when I was 12 as I've gotten through faith crisis as a 26-27 year old.

And I am grateful for that.

What truths do you treasure? I hope to both share the things I treasure and learn from the things you treasure. I hope to learn from the spiritual experiences of others- regardless of our differences in religion. My greatest belief is that God loves us. Every. Last. One. Of. Us.

What is your greatest belief? If you would like to share, feel free to send me a private message or leave a comment!

Creating a Positive Culture Around Sexuality

How are you teaching your children (or those you are responsible for teaching-including yourself) about sexuality? What messages are we sending to our little ones? If you are married, when is the last time you invested yourself in learning (and relearning) about healthy sexuality and your marital relationship? If you are single, are you consciously making efforts to have positive views and understandings about sex?

I feel so strongly that one of the very best protections and teachings for children are open, natural, and frequent conversations about sexual health and bodies. And I think kids (and adults) get so many negative messages about sex in the world, that I think as parents we should ensure that the majority of the conversations we have with kids around sexual topics are super positive. We can focus on teaching healthy sexuality and healthy sexual behaviors, and teach them about sex in the context that we believe is good and beautiful. And we can do it frequently. It can be a normal topic that just comes up in conversation in our home (just like basketball, work, school, or friends come up in natural conversation). Then when we talk to them about pornography or answer difficult questions about sexuality and our views of morality, those messages won't outweigh the positive ones and cause them to feel shame for even feeling sexual urges or being curious about sex, or having their body become aroused at something. I think if they have a solid foundation of knowing that sexual arousal is a normal and healthy part of their body, that they won't have to freak out when it happens and think that they are inherently bad or dirty. Instead they can know their bodies are healthy and normal, and that there are positive ways they can direct those God-given feelings, rather than thinking they need to view pornography or engage in risky behavior to fulfill the urges and needs they are feeling.

The silent shame culture that many of us have experienced around sex, pornography, and bodies is very unhealthy. And we have the power to change that culture through the way we choose to learn about and view sexuality, and then passing that on to our younger generations! My 3 and 2 year olds know the correct terminology of their body parts. We talk about their private parts the same way we talk about their elbows, eyebrows, noses, and bellybuttons. Along with teaching them that those particular parts are special and private. I feel proud when my son talks about his penis, and feels so positive about every part of his body. I think it's cute and healthy when he starts making connections and asks us about men and women and their different parts. I'm proud that he understands and knows the difference between female and male parts, and that his view is so innocent. The last thing I want to do is to taint him and make him feel guilty for innocent curiosity and desire to learn about EVERYTHING (including every part of his body).

I'm also proud to be teaching my daughter the CORRECT terminology for her body! Women really get the short end of the stick in this area- because many adults don't even know the true correct terminology for their body parts. Some women don't even know what body parts they have! And that's normal in some of our conservative cultures. But if we want our young girls to grow up feeling confident about who they are, instead of embarrassed, we need to change that and teach them confidently about their amazing bodies.

Teaching kids correct terminology is not only an essential way of preparing them for healthy body image and healthy relationships in the future, but it is also an essential way of protecting our children in this scary world. Our kids need to be able to clearly communicate to us about their bodies and be able to ask us clear questions. They need to be able to explain to us if they have uncomfortable (or even sexually dangerous) interactions with other kids or adults.

Creating a silent and shameful stigma around pornography, the human body, and sex in general creates many unwanted results for so many people. These negative side effects include increased pornography usage, isolation, debilitating shame, and EVEN debilitating shame, isolation, and conflict in marriages! I come from a culture that believes soooo much in the sanctity of marriage. Yet many of us struggle in our intimate relationships because we have received so little sex education or have such intense feelings of shame and embarrassment around sex, that we can't be comfortable with our sexual relationships and our own bodies. And if we can't even be comfortable with sex in marriage, how can we have the incredibly binding and fulfilling experiences that God wants us to have with our husband or wife? Not only are these experiences fun, exciting, binding, and fulfilling, but they are a key part of a healthy, connected marriage.

Sex isn't yucky, shameful, and dirty. It's connection. It's a deep connection that humans crave. A desire for connection that is God-given. A connection that is so strong it can heal, bind, and sanctify husbands and wives and their marriages.

Let's do our part to change this culture and create better outcomes for our children. I want my kids to be confident in how God made their bodies, to believe that every part of their body is good, and to treasure expressing themselves sexually in their healthy marriages someday. Sex has such amazing power to lift, connect, and renew spouses and create a marriage that is secure, safe, comforting, passionate, exciting, and so fulfilling!

The Last Seven Months

The last seven months have challenged every part of me. From gradually realizing that something was wrong with my health, to having my perspective totally flipped upside down through education, to doubting, questioning, and reconstructing my identity and core values.

About a year ago, I was stressed to the point of breaking. And I broke. We caught every possible sickness that was traveling around that Winter (multiple times), and it ended with me getting mono. I felt so helpless, hopeless, and vulnerable. I cried a lot and just wanted my mom. She came to our rescue, and many family members and friends helped us through those hard times. I thought I was better and that life was moving on.

Back in October, I realized I wasn't imagining it: my face was swelling up. Looking at photos, I've been able to track it back to July. I noticed it every day, but nobody else seemed to, so I just kept ignoring it. When my parents visited, my dad lovingly pointed it out and asked if I was ok. That's when I realized I wasn't ok. I was really sick. I was always tired. I was totally fatigued. My head and eyes hurt very often. My mind often felt fuzzy and confused. I was embarrassed by how I looked- and by the fact that hardly anyone noticed how odd and different I looked. The bridge of my nose was super swollen, especially right between my eyes. Once I started talking about it more openly, some people admitted to noticing the difference. Other people still didn't seem to be able to see it.

The symptoms I've had seem to indicate some kind of immune system problem, which also seems connected to having mono, or even connected to dealing with intense chronic stress before that.

The next several months, up until now, have been filled with all kinds of things.

• Being in school, having my perspectives turned upside down, questioning who I am and what I believe.
• Being unable to wake up because my eyes and face feel so puffy.
• Wondering why, after investing my whole self into being a stay-home mother, I could crash and burn so badly.
• Studying the history of marriage and family, and suddenly feeling like what I have expected of myself as a stay-home mom is literally impossible! 
• Being so sick that I had to drop out of school for 6 weeks, doing almost no school work. Hoping I would pass at least one class after all the hard work I put into the first half of the semester.
• Feeling embarrassed about going back to class after being gone so much, and with my face looking so different.
• Thinking I'm getting better, finding out I'm pregnant, then having the health problems come flooding back.
• Wanting to be excited about our future, but instead feeling scared and hopeless.
• Multiple infections. Feeling like I catch every sickness I'm exposed to.
• Struggling with mental illness and feeling so, so confused. Wondering if other people trust me anymore, and whether or not I can trust myself anymore.
• Crying, struggling, and having the mental darkness take over right when I'm supposed to be getting ready for class. Deciding there's no way I can make it to class, when my husband swoops in and drives our whole family down to campus, so that we can talk in the car for an hour and I can make it to class.
• Wondering if I'll ever be able to finish something -like graduating. 
• Looking totally fine in public, and being totally not fine when alone. 
• Having to learn with being ok with my kids seeing me cry and struggle with mental health.
• Laying on my bed or couch for days or weeks without being able to walk around.
• FATIGUE.
• My body being extremely sensitive to everything- from body sprays, to animals, to plants and environmental factors, to medications, to face wash, etc.
• Mental fuzziness and confusion.
• Nausea. All kinds of nausea. 
• Body aches. Achey muscles. 
• Feeling like the project friend/family member.
• Being way too embarrassed to talk to friends or ask for help. Intense fear of being the friend who always unloads her personal baggage on others. Worrying people won't enjoy being around me anymore. Worrying that if a friend asked how I was doing, I would have a huge meltdown in front of them.
• Wishing I could be diagnosed with something. 
• Anxiety.
• Feeling trapped.
• Having intense physical reactions to medications. Medications that feel like modern-day torture. 
• Begging my doctor to let me stop the medications and telling him I'll drink several liters of straight 100% cranberry juice to fight the infection.
• Feeling like I'm at the doctor's office much more than I've ever been, yet feeling like it's not nearly enough. Yet I don't have energy to keep going.
• Deciding maybe the medication is worth it to help my mental health. Reacting badly to the medication.
• Constantly switching between feeling physically sick and mentally sick. It seems like when my body gets better, my mind gets worse, and visa versa. 
• Being challenged mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Feeling like my faith is on the verge of crisis.
• Wanting to connect with God, but feeling too sick to kneel. Praying in bed, again and again and again. Feeling too sick to focus on reading more than one verse of scripture.
• Feeling tons of mom guilt for laying on the couch and having my kids watch movies all day because I feel too sick to move. 
• Feeling that my kids deserve so much more than I'm even close to being able to give.
• Not being able to care for my or my family's basic needs.
• Seeing my sweet husband running around doing EVERYTHING. Seeing his exhaustion, even though he doesn't want me to see it. 
• Feeling starving and nauseous but being unable to imagine anything being edible, especially not anything in our house. Knowing that the longer I go without eating, the sicker I'll get. 
• Carrying around the silver sick bowl.
• Wondering what happened to the past me who felt so optimistic and hopeful about almost everything.
• Giving up things that are important to me. Like rehoming all of our animals and no longer being able to be a full-time student. 
• Dreading the day my husband starts his full-time job, even though it will be a huge blessing to us. 
• Coughing so hard it hurts and makes me nauseas. Feeling like a regular cold shouldn't wipe me out the way it did.
• Wanting to try something to improve my mental health (like going to school, getting out of the house, more therapy appointments, etc), but being too sick to actually do it.
• Feeling guilt for neglecting my church calling and for struggling to reach out and serve other people.

We've been stretched in new ways and have grown in new ways. In a lot of ways I feel weaker than ever, but in other ways, I know Heavenly Father is making me stronger, or at least more authentic. My testimony of who God is has changed. I've realized He is bigger and more all-knowing than I realized before. 

I'm grateful for a religion teacher who, when I was in 6th or 7th grade, taught us a goofy rhythm/song to remember this Bible verse:

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

I've come to really feel that God's ways are much, much higher than ours. I've realized I don't understand God the way I thought I did. And I no longer take statements about God lightly, especially when people assume they understand God. I've learned that He always understands us, but I doubt we often understand Him. Maybe He lets us have little glimpses of understanding, but I think He is much greater, bigger, and much more than we can really grasp. Yet, He gives us treasures of truth and keeps teaching us. And even though He is so big, I can still feel that He is a loving Father who knows us intimately.

I've learned that there is a safe place at church for people like me. And that in congregations where there isn't, there needs to be. "People like me" meaning people who have all kinds of questions, but few answers. People who have doubts, fears, and struggles. People who face crisis of faith. People who are questioning things they used to know so clearly. People who want to believe, but need extra help. People whose health sometimes makes it very hard for them to feel of God's spirit and love the way they used to. People who are learning to distinguish between traditions and culture and real truth from God. People who have gone from being the helper, to being the helped.

Yet, in moments of confusion, loneliness, and hopelessness, I've offered simple prayers and felt God's love for me. I've felt that He knows me and is aware of me.

At times I've worried about my faith, but at other times, I've realized it has become stronger. It is no longer the simple, yet unshakable faith of a teenager who has done the work to learn for herself. It is a faith that lives in paradox and harmony with struggle, opposition, questions, and growth. A more mature, yet imperfect faith, of a woman who has been living God's plan- to come to know good and evil through the experiences of life, and to learn about the joy of redemption, and to hope for eternal life with God through Jesus Christ (Moses 5:10-11).

I'm trying to learn that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, my mothering, my home, my church service, etc. I'm trying to learn to care more about what I think about myself, and to give myself more credibility. I'm especially trying to learn to care the most about what Heavenly Father sees in me.

I've always been one to try to look strong and to be terrified of people seeing me in weakness. I've learned to accept (kind of) the fact that I need help. Well- ok- "learned" is a huge overstatement. I'm trying to learn that. I think in life, and especially in marriage, we have to learn to be both the shepherd and the sheep at different times. The shepherd gives more than his fair share, and the sheep needs help, protection, and guidance, yet is able to give little in return. Jesus Christ has been my shepherd, and so has my sweet husband. Even in times so dark I haven't been able to see it.

I'm grateful for moments of clarity. Moments of peace. Moments of feeling God's love. Moments of remembering. Moments of learning. Moments of changing. Moments of smiling, laughing, being snuggled by cute kids, kissing chubby toddler cheeks, and being held by a dedicated spouse.