Caps, Gowns, and Motherhood

Recently watching my husband, sister, brother-in-law, cousins, and friends graduate from college got me thinking about reapplying and finishing my degree at BYU. Watching the graduation filled me with mixed emotions, the first being huge amounts of joy, gratitude, and pride for the accomplishments of my husband and loved ones. Another feeling was: Where are the caps, gowns, and ceremonies for all the mothers out there? Motherhood is rarely celebrated and rarely honored in our society. While toying with the idea of going back to school, I started working on my BYU Former Student Application. I was asked to write a short essay. Here was the prompt:

"Please explain why you now desire to return to the university. What have you accomplished in the time you were away that has prepared you to continue your university studies?"

At first this prompt could seem rather daunting to a mom who hasn't been to school or worked outside of her home for the past 3 years!!! Well.... I haven't completed more classes since then... I haven't received any recognitions, certificates, or even participation awards!!! I haven't gotten any good grades and I don't have any GPA to show for what I've been doing. The closest I have to a degree is my MRS. and MOM degrees....  Can I get an A grade for the work I do as a mom? Or maybe "A" for "Absolutely exhausted"?  Or a "B" for "Beautiful Babies"? Or even a D for "changed 30 Diapers in one day"??

Reflecting on this prompt and writing the follow essay was therapeutic for me and also taught me a lot. Here is the essay I wrote:

"I stopped attending school in 2016, having no idea that the new journey I was embarking on would be more challenging and educational than anything I had yet experienced at any university. My new journey: motherhood. My husband and I married in December 2015. In September 2016 our son was born! Fifteen months after that, our daughter was born! The past few years as a mother of young children with a husband in the engineering program have been the hardest of my life. The experiences have been stretching. My husband and I have felt immense joy, but the demands placed upon our shoulders often felt like more than we could bear. We learned to intentionally invested in our relationship, in raising our children, and in gospel living. My husband graduated yesterday with his civil engineering degree. No one was more proud than I was. What have I accomplished in the past few years that has prepared me to continue at BYU? I have mentally disciplined myself to a new level, as I have birthed two beautiful babies naturally without any medications or pain relief. I have spent countless sleepless nights comforting and nurturing babies, while receiving strength beyond my own. I have overcome feelings of loneliness, isolation, and insignificance as a mother that I was completely unprepared for. I have learned to stand up for my beliefs that motherhood is important, even when those around me doubt its significance or fail to see the sacrifice that motherhood truly entails. I have learned to sacrifice personal dreams and goals in order to hold my family together. I have lifted and strengthened young mothers on their path through sharing what I have learned through my motherhood education. I have learned that the most important things I will do in this life will not be honored with ceremonies, caps, gowns, or degrees. I have learned that I can do things that stretch me beyond what I thought possible. I have learned that with the Lord on my side, I can do anything He needs me to do. "

Since writing this essay, I have been studying the question of whether to continue at school in my mind, in prayer, in the scriptures, and in the words of modern prophets. 

I came across these lines from a talk by Elder Quentin L. Cook. He talks about how the decisions of whether to work or be at home as a mother are very personal: 

"First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. 

Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances. 

Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions."

The more I have studied and prayed, the more I have felt that what I am doing at home is more important than anything I could do at a university or even in the workplace. The decision is personal for everyone, but I just want to say to all women: Heavenly Father will lead and guide you in your unique path! Whatever you do, people will judge you, you will sometimes go unappreciated or unseen, but as long as you are following what you know God wants you to do, your contributions and work are eternally significant and valuable. 

Let's love and support each other, let's not judge, and let's acknowledge that what each of us is doing is important. Let's celebrate each other! But let's also learn to keep doing what needs to be done, even when there is no guaranteed celebration, recognition, or appreciation. The Lord loves us and will reward us each for the labors of love we do for Him.

Breaking Out of the Cage: Societal and Cultural Pressures

Today I was reading in Matthew chapter 14 (in the Bible) and was stunned by what I read in verse 9.

King Herod did not want to kill John the Baptist, but after promising a pretty girl whatever she wanted, he got himself into a lot of trouble. She told him that she wanted John's head on a plate.

Verse 9: "And the king was sorry; nevertheless for the oath's sake, and them which sat with him at meat, he commanded it to be given her."

The king obviously felt that beheading John was very, very wrong. Yet he couldn't resist the pressures of an oath he made, and wanting to please, maybe impress, the people that were with him. He wanted to be the perfect host, the cool guy, the popular king. Or maybe he just wanted to fit in. Maybe he was tired of feeling different. I'm not sure what he was going for, but it makes me sad that he caved into the pressure and did such an awful thing. And John died because of Herod's weakness. Herod's lack of courage to stand up for what was right enabled martyrdom.

This message hit me especially hard today because it goes along perfectly with lessons I have been learning in my own life.

I have struggled so much the past few years since becoming a mom. It's been very confusing because I LOVE my kiddos, and I LOVE being their mom, and I really want to do it full time! But somehow I have frequently felt very unhappy, lonely, anxious, depressed, and very very trapped for a big portion of the last few years.

I often felt like a wild animal that was caught in a little cage. I wanted to break out and be free, but had no idea how, and no idea why I was feeling that way.

After starting to go to therapy and with the support of my wonderful husband, I finally realized that I was suffering because I felt so much cultural and societal pressure. It was crippling. The feeling of needing to meet a certain standard was controlling my lifestyle and decisions. My head was filled with "should"s. My home should be cleaner. I should be spending more time making healthy meals. I should like cooking. I should look a certain way. I should always be happy. I should be teaching my kids all these things. My family should look like theirs. I should love home decor. I should have a cute home. I should wear stylish clothes that I don't like (and then have them ruined by spit up and applesauce and juice spills).  I should be disciplining or not disciplining a certain way. I should be enjoying cleaning and organizing and doing nothing for myself. I shouldn't be unhappy. I shouldn't feel lonely. I shouldn't feel depressed. I should fit in with this group. I shouldn't talk about my interest in ___ because they wound't be interested. I shouldn't act like myself because they wouldn't like the person I really am.

 When I realized all the false ideas that were creating a prison in my mind, and started to recognize specific things that were contributing to that feeling, I suddenly felt so free! I felt like a parrot who was let out of a cage and could finally fly again! I realized that I don't need to fit a cookie cutter standard of how or who people think I should be. And it also made me realize that many, many, many of us fall into this trap. Whether it's society or culture or school or relatives that make you feel like you need to fit a certain mold, the truth is, God doesn't care about whatever mold they are trying to make you fit. He wants you to be the person that He made you to be! The person that He designed you to be is far more beautiful and glorious than the you that is trying to be just like someone else.

The only person I want to be now is the person Heavenly Father wants me to be, and the person that I want to be! God gave me unique gifts and talents and interests. It is part of the sacred stewardship He has entrusted me with to develop those gifts, to explore those interests, and to share those talents. The LAST thing He wants me (or any of us) to do is to push those unique things aside, and try to be someone else.

Tying back to the scripture verse in the beginning: I think it's so dangerous for us to let outside pressures determine our decisions. Whether those pressures lead you into sin or into denying who you really are, living a life dictated by others does not make God happy. Our decisions should stem from within us and from God's direction and loving guidance. God speaks to us in our hearts and minds. He influences us with love, support, and encouragement. If you are feeling pressures and influences from outside sources, it's not from Him unless you can feel Him in your heart and mind (even if those pressures are encouraging you to do something good!) Agency is a key part of God's plan because it is the power to make our own choices. It is the power to choose to follow God. It was never God's plan for us to be pressured into doing good. That was Satan's plan.

God made me to be me. And I am...

a servant who loves Jesus Christ and desires to live according to His teachings.
a serious animal lover- like a really, really big animal lover.
a gal with a gift for nurturing.
a mom who LOVES her kids like crazy.
a loyal friend.
a tuba girl.
a wife who is crazy in love with her man.
a woman who needs meaningful relationships to thrive.
a Christian who thinks sex is awesome, loves talking about healthy sexuality, and who wants to break the culture of silence that so many Christians live in when it comes to sex.
a granola gal who is into natural remedies, natural childbirth, caring for nature and animals, and who tries to eat more veggies.
a girl who thrives on freedom and expression.








Who are you? God made you unique and beautiful!



Also- if you feel like other people's agendas or expectations are controlling or influencing your decisions, and you want to break free and be yourself, I recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend!

Authenticity... And am I becoming a Crazy Parrot Lady???

How this new obsession (whoops!) interest all began...

Although I've written several posts about finding myself as a mom and how important it is for mom's to nurture themselves, it's something I am still working on and learning! (Maybe it always will be! But I'm really hoping that at some point I will get this down and that it won't be a constant struggle! Who knows! :)) So I have still been exploring what things are important for me to have in my life. I've cut some things out and also have considered adding some things.

A big theme that my husband and I have been thinking about and learning lately is "authenticity." Long story short, we are learning that we are so much happier when we are more authentic! Of course there is a balance- but we have realized that being honest with ourselves, each other, and God, really helps us to feel more at peace, be able to accept ourselves more fully, be able to progress in the right direction, and learn more about who God wants us to be.

So, as part of being more authentic- I finally confessed to myself and to Seth something that I have been denying since we got married. I told my husband, "I REALLY want a pet!!!!!!!!!! I know that I kept saying I don't want one because they are dirty and messy and a lot of work and blahblahblahblah, but the truth is- I only say that stuff because I want one so bad!" (or something like that.) I realized that I had convinced myself that I didn't want an animal because I had talked to several moms who totally aren't into pets and think it would be a lot of extra work. But I finally admitted to myself that I am a huge animal lover, and for me the benefits of a pet far out-weigh the added work.

So this got my husband and I talking about what kind of pet we would even consider. Dogs are so lovable and cuddly and nice and are just eager to please their humans! As a kid I wanted a dog so bad that my parents went through all the other options first- we had fish, a guinea pig, parakeets, two cats- and then we got a dog!!!!! (angels singing hallelujah chorus). Then we got another dog!!!! And eventually we even shared a horse with my uncle! Wow- an animal loving kid's dream come true :)

But dogs aren't an option for us right now or in the foreseeable future. Cats?- I am just not a cat person for some reason. They are nice and cute. But owning one isn't appealing to me. Small rodents- hmmm. Not really my thing either. I like all animals, but certain ones aren't ones that I would be excited about owning. The benefits wouldn't outweigh the cons, you know? Horses are dreamy- but don't match up with our lifestyle now or in the foreseeable future. A girl can still dream though- maybe some day. :)

Then we started looking into budgies (typically called "parakeets" in the USA). They are cute and nice and the more I learned about them, the more I realized that I have misunderstood them my whole life! I am guilty of thinking of birds as more of fish-type-pets. They look pretty but you can't really interact with them. The more and more I have learned, the more and more I have realized that that is so wrong! Birds are possibly even more needy for attention and relationships than dogs! When they are tamed and have plenty of interaction from their humans, they become part of the family and love to interact. They consider the humans around them as their flock and rely on those relationships.

As I studied more and more about budgies- I started to venture into the world of parrots- reading books about parrot well-being, health, training, etc. Because after all, parakeets are parrots, they are just very small!

The more I studied, the more fascinated I became. I learned that unlike domesticated animals, parrots- including ones who live in domestication- are still wild animals. Unlike a domesticated, pet, they haven't been bred over thousands of years to please their human companions and to live with humans. So living with a parrot is less like living with a dog, and more like living with a zoo animal. In other words, you can train them with positive reinforcement and try to reduce undesirable tendencies, but you can't really blame them for doing things that you find undesirable that are their natural wild tendencies! (Being noisy, being messy, going through different life phases, needing to have their own territory, becoming more "wild" if they aren't given attention, behavior issues that result from neglect.)

I also watched a documentary called "Parrots Confidential," which is heart-breaking, emotional, and inspiring. Although it lacks examples of parrots who live happily with human companions and humans who are educated and thoughtful about caring for their parrot companions, it shows the sad situation of parrots who are neglected and unwanted due to overpopulation in domestication and due to people who want them as "pets" without being truly prepared and educated for the responsibility of parrot ownership.

Anyways- I have really enjoyed learning more about parrots and I think they are amazing creatures! The more I study the more I also have a desire to provide a good, enriching home for a parrot or two, and to enjoy their companionship while also benefiting the animals.

I never knew I could be so interested in parrots but I guess it's just an example of how marriage works- you put together two people with different interests and likes and dislikes, and both spouses learn new things about themselves and find themselves going in a direction together that they never would have imagined going in their previous lives.

A Metamorphosis and Lessons Being Learned

This past semester has been one of intense and deep learning for me. When I say semester, it's not because I'm in school, but because my husband is in school- and thus my life is also segmented into semesters. My husband's classes have been difficult, as engineering classes always are, but they haven't been his very very most challenging classes. Yet it has been probably the hardest semester for us. I think mostly because it has been a really important time in my life- a time of metamorphosis. A time that I close one door behind me and open another door in front of me. And learn to do it with joy, gladness, and gratitude, and without remorse, resentment, discouragement, and depression. A time to learn what it really means to be a mother and homemaker. And a time to develop deeper more passionate feelings towards those titles than I have ever done before.

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts, but I hope that I can put into words some of the things I have learned these past several months, as well as the experiences that have helped me to learn them.

One of the posts I made towards the beginning of this journey was about learning to be selfless as a mom, without entirely forgetting who God made me to be, and without forgetting my unique personality and talents. Click here to see the post. It was an epiphany for me that as a mom, I can schedule time for myself to recharge! And that my personality and interests are an important part of my identity. I have since learned more lessons that have blessed me greatly.

I have learned that scheduled time for myself helps me recharge and be a better wife and mom.

I have learned that igniting passion in one area of my life can help me to spread that passion to other areas of my life. Meeting Sarah Chapman and reading her book MindStrength taught me that succeeding in one area of life (that we are likely to succeed in) can help us find strength, courage, and confidence to make changes and succeed in other areas of our life too. For example, meeting a goal to simply go to the gym 3 times a week, then 5 times a week, then becoming a kettlebell trainer, helped Sarah to take initiative and have confidence in changing her family relationships, and to become a more true version of herself. Similarly, I gained confidence in myself as I saw improvement in my horseback riding each lesson. This confidence helped me become more confident in my interactions with other people, with my children, and also helped me in my marriage to feel like a more true and confident version of myself.

I have learned that there are necessity me times and there are treat me times. When I first started horseback riding lessons, I felt like it was a lifeline of sorts. I was so self conscious and felt so vulnerable when I would go to the stable. I worried what people thought of me, whether I was interesting to get to know, and about countless other things. It was one of the most vulnerable things I have done in a while. It sounds silly, but I had been in full blown mommy mode for the past 2 years, and hadn't gotten out of the house to do something like that in a long time. The horseback riding has been a big blessing to me. It helped me find confidence in myself again. In some ways it helped me dig down and find my identity again. It helped me remember that I am an excited, passionate person, with lots of dreams. Working with horses helped me get through a couple of really hard months.

However, after learning many of the things I have recently learned, I have gotten to a point that now I feel the lessons are simply a treat. I enjoy them very much, but the idea of letting go of them to save money doesn't devastate me in any way. A few months ago, the thought of stopping lessons made me feel like I was about to burry myself under a dump truck load of dirt and forget the confidence and excitement that were just barely beginning to bloom inside of me. The confidence that was blooming was just barley sprouting and was very vulnerable and delicate. Now I feel that I have turned into a stronger person, and I am excited and ready to move on and let the riding lessons go for the time being. I'm not saying in any way that once a mom (or any person) feels emotionally and mentally healthy that they should give up hobbies and time for themselves! no way! Scheduled time for ourself is important to maintain our health and to be our best self! But I do believe that the essential "me" time for me is taking time to do something like reading, walking, running, going to the library, blogging, going shopping, learning a language, or studying my online course. And that the expensive hobbies are more of a treat. Everyone is different, and I don't believe we can determine what is essential and what is a treat for someone else. But I'm learning to differentiate those things for myself. And I'm also learning that different times of life, with different situations, require different things.

I've learned that where your treasure lies, there will your heart lie also. This principle was put into words for me in this article. It struck me deeply that I always want my treasure to be my family. I want my heart and my treasure to be at home. I found that as I got more and more excited about my own hobbies, my thoughts and fantasies began wandering to horseback riding competitions, living on a big plot of land and having horses roam around, teaching my kids to ride horses. I don't believe that any of these dreams are unrighteous or unachievable. But they are not my present life. And it's not possible for them to be my present life, without some kind of wild and intense sacrifice, like taking out a huge mortgage, spending days and days and days and weeks away from my family. What struck me most was that dreaming about these things took my mind away from being present with my kids. They could be right next to me, wanting my love and affection, and if my mind was wandering far far from home, I missed the opportunity to bask in their loving gaze, their wet kisses, and their little hugs and cuddles. I don't want to miss out on my children's love, friendship, playtime, etc. I don't mean to say that no moms should spend time away from home. But I do think it's important to recognize where our heart and desires lie. Because that is where our treasure lies too. For some moms, they need to work and go to school, or do other time consuming things. But they long to be home. They long to have time with their family. Their treasure is their family. In the case of dreaming about another world- a world where I can do whatever I want- that doesn't draw me closer to my family, and it also doesn't make me happier. I know now more than ever before that nothing in this world can make me happier than following Jesus Christ and nurturing my relationships with my husband and children. They are my treasure!

Another lesson: harmonious passion.
This is a lesson my husband learned in a class and shared with me. There is such a thing as inhibited passion, as well as obsessive passion. Harmonious is the beautiful in-between. It is the "bridled" passion, I would say. (Bridling passion is also a concept I have thought a lot about- especially with it's inherent analogy with horses. I'll talk about that next.) Inhibited passion is when we try to bury feelings of passion. Perhaps this is what I felt when I was dealing with depressing feelings and resentment towards housework. I felt that for the past several years, I had been burying my personal passions. I had served a mission, had children, gone through the new baby months and years. These were all things I was passionate about. But I felt that part of me- the passionate excited Erica who loved doing unconventional things like playing the tuba, riding horses, and learning as many foreign languages as possible- had been buried and lost. And for no reason except that I hadn't recognized my need for scheduled me time. Inhibiting passions is very different than bridling passions, because it isn't the healthy way to deal with passions. Even unhealthy passions- like sexual passions outside of marriage, rather than being simply pent up, can be bridled and directed into something good- like passion to get life in order and work towards a happy marriage someday, or expressing oneself through talents. Obsessive passion is the kind of passion that drives you to do more and more and more, beyond what is well balanced and even beyond what brings you true happiness. Harmonious passion is the beautiful balance where joy and progress bloom and flourish. When you are able to express your passion, and guide it (bridle it) in the right direction, the excitement and joy you feel begins to enlighten other areas of your life as well! Feeling passionate about a song you are listening to can make you feel excited about doing house work, and make you feel passionate about your spouse. Having a passionate relationship in marriage can make you more excited about being a mom, more energetic about doing your school work, and more creative in your hobbies.


Bridled passion. This is something I've thought about a lot since working with horses, and especially since attending an Andrea Bocelli Concert with my husband. Seeing the passion that Andrea Bocelli sang with made me feel very deeply that passion is an important part of life. If we buried all our passions, then art, music, children, talents, productivity, inspiration, invention, progression, math, science, faith, etc, etc, etc wouldn't exist or at least wouldn't thrive. This brings me to the horse analogy.

Here the horse represents our passion, the rider represents us, and the bridle represents bridling our passions. What is the purpose of a bridle? It's used for a rider to communicate with their horse. After doing research, I learned that the bit (the metal piece that goes inside of the horse's mouth) actually causes discomfort for the horse, encouraging the horse to move away from uncomfortable pressure and do as the rider asks. If a rider continuously uses harsh pressure on the bit, the horse gets used to harsh correction and eventually rebels or becomes less and less sensitive. Similarly, if we use harsh overcorrections to direct our passions, we may struggle to learn how to use them in balance. Or if we use too little pressure and are too timid, the horse won't respond and learn what we are asking. This could be compared to inhibited or obsessive passion. We may not appreciate our passion, and see it as something that is constantly in our way, like the horse that doesn't respond or understand what we are asking. We may wish we didn't have any passions. Or we may become obsessive with our passions, constantly trying new extremes and feeling unsatisfied. On the other hand, many riders choose to respect their horses and strive to communicate clearly through the bit, but then use less and less pressure on the bit until the horse becomes responsive to the lightest touch. Many riders even choose to use a bit-less bridle, removing the painful metal piece from the horse's mouth, but still having the security of a bridle to guide the horse. Beyond that, some riders create such trusting and secure relationships with their horse, that they ride without bit or bridle. Using either nothing at all around the horses head and neck, or a simple rope loosely around the horses neck. These riders can move their body position ever so slightly, as if they were going to turn in a certain direction or speed up or slow down, and the horse responds as if it were an extension of the rider's body. They have created a oneness between rider and horse. I think that is the ultimate goal for us in bridling our passions. Being able to direct our passions- to use them as powerful and responsive motors to move us in the right direction, that can be controlled with the simplest thought or feeling. Then we have the power to gallop, to walk, to stop, to turn, without fear of losing control, but with the glorious driving force that passions bring into our lives.

For an audio and visual demonstration of what passion is, see these videos of Andrea Bocelli songs:
Click here to hear the song "If Only" that I believe demonstrates the beauty of passion for life and  for romantic love, and here "Fall on Me" that expresses passion for trusting family relationships.

Another lesson I've learned came from a wise, loving grandmother. She talked about how in different phases of life, we close a door on the life behind us, and open a door to the life ahead of us. Her example teaches me about being present, grateful, and proactive. I have to say, hearing her words about closing doors was one of the hardest things I've had to hear these past few months. Because it meant I had to stop being selfish. Before becoming a mother, almost everything I have done in my life has been for myself. As a mother, almost everything I do in my life is for others. The image in my mind of a door closing on my past life brought out surprising feelings. But it was exactly what I needed. The reason I struggled so much this semester is because there was a constant battle inside of me. One that longed to be there for my family, to be fully present, fully invested, and another part of me that longed desperately to be cared for by someone else. To be independent. To have the freedom to do whatever I chose, just because I wanted to. To hold onto some kind of self interest. This was a turning point for me. I realized that there really is balance. There is time for me to pursue dreams, hobbies, and interests, but it's so important that my priority is always my family. My kids depend on me! Everything about them is wired to depend on me for the majority of their spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional nurturing. I must never lose sight of the importance and eternal significance of my calling as a mother. I am learning to be more present and more grateful and more joyful in motherhood.

Another lesson (something I have learned as I have reflected on my conversation with this wise grandmother): I can choose to be an agent instead of a victim. Rather than feeling completely overwhelmed and trapped, believing that I have to wait for someone to come save me (usually my husband) from drowning in dishes and having no social interaction, I can act! I can get my baby girl in the high chair with snacks, I can have my 2 year old rinse dishes, and I can get dishes done! I can pack up the kids and go meet up with a friend for a play date! I can pack up the kids and go learn something new at the library. I can choose how to make my days. That is so empowering about being a mom. I get to choose how to live my life every single day! I get to choose to empower and teach my children, and to help them grow into hard working, grateful, resourceful individuals.

I have learned more of what it means to be a homemaker. You know that wonderful feeling of walking into a home where you really feel like you belong? A home filled with memories, experiences, love, warmth, good food, happy sounds, etc. It finally, finally, dawned on me that I have the power to create that home for my own children! I get to choose how it will be! I get to give that beautiful, essential, life-forming gift to them! Homemaking does include housework, but it also includes laughing, teaching, snuggling, reading, and whatever is important to you and your family! A reading chair, a music room, a place to chat, a home where Jesus' name is cherished and loved, where kind words are shared.

From reading excerpts of  Jaroldeen Edwards' book Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner, I am being reminded that defining homemaking as "dirty dishes and dirty diapers" is the farthest thing from true! This definition discounts the hugs, smiles, beautiful little eyes, snuggles, warm little bodies, teaching opportunities, the beautiful light and joy that children bring anywhere they go, that are all part of motherhood. Even the dishes and diaper changing are significant and can be joyful.


The biggest lesson: being a wife, a mother and homemaker are glorious, beautiful, eternal parts of who I am. I can choose to find joy in these things. And if I do choose to find joy in these things, they will bring me greater joy now and in the eternities than anything else ever could. Nothing has the potential to bring me the amount of joy and fulfillment that these treasures do. I'm grateful for this hard, stretching, joyful, meaningful, glorious metamorphosis of being a mom.

Horseback Riding

As a little kid I had always dreamt of riding horses, but in California it really wasn't a possibility. When we moved to Utah when I was 11, my parents made my dream become a reality! For my very first riding lessons I rode this little pony named Blossom.  My instructor was so wonderful and she taught me so much! I started out bareback on Blossom, and then later used a saddle on her. I was always worried I would squish her because she was so small! 

From Blossom I moved to Skyler, a Quarter Horse. Skyler and I shared a lot of great times. After learning to ride on him and doing a rodeo competition, my instructor actually sold him to my family and my uncle (we shared and kept him at my uncle's stables). Skyler and I made a lot of good memories. He was a really great horse and so great to ride. I learned to walk, trot, post, canter, and gallop on him, and we also did lots of pole bending, barrel racing, and even goat tying practice together. Skyler could really run! It was funny because he had a very, very slow walk, but when he got galloping, he was true to his breed and sprinted like a quarter horse! We competed in the Rodeo Princess Competition together when I was around 13. That was actually the only rodeo I ever participated in. Although we tried to enter competitions for the other rodeo events, there was always some kind of major schedule conflict that came up. I just loved the riding though- I wasn't really worried about competing. I was especially interested in bareback riding and was especially starting to practice that towards the end of my time riding. It was after the rodeo princess competition was over at some point that the idea of us buying Skyler came up. It was awesome to spend so much time with him. Even just being around him and the other horses was always very soothing and calming for me. The time seemed to stop when I was grooming him, mucking stalls, or just sitting on the porch nearby the horses. When I was 16 we had to move to California and had to say goodbye to Skyler (he stayed in Utah). It was really sad, but I knew there was nothing we could do, so I tried to cowgirl up and not make a big fuss.

Rodeo Princess Competition:

Practicing Barrel Racing:

Just for fun, here was another dream fulfilled:

Anyways, after moving when I was 16, I didn't get to ride much anymore, until just recently- almost 10 years later! It was by a series of events (that I really believe was guidance and little miracles from Heavenly Father), that lead me to taking riding lessons again! Now I am learning English riding, while before I did Western. So it's really new in a lot of ways! It's been so fun and so fulfilling for me! It's hard to believe that I had forgotten how good it feels to be on a horse and how much this is a part of who I am. Riding horses is something that I always dreamt of doing as a little kid, and that I loved so much when I finally got the chance to really learn and get involved with riding. Somehow between being 16 and being 25, I lost connection with that part of myself, and to be doing it again at last feels so good. It really is a miracle to me. I never, ever, ever imagined that as a mom of 2 young kids, and with my husband in school, that I would be riding horses. It's the last thing I would have thought of pursuing, but I really believe that Heavenly Father knew it was exactly what I needed. He really made things fall into place- He lead me to consider that it was actually a possibility for me. And I feel so blessed because it has helped me feel excited about life. It has rekindled my passion for discovering/developing myself. And it has helped me be a more present wife and mom. Knowing that I will have personal time during the week to go ride has helped me to be able to be at peace and excited about being home with my kids the rest of the week. I always loved being home with them, but somehow adding riding to my life has made my time more meaningful. I feel more excited about all aspects of my life. I feel excited to be a mom who is still herself and is unique. I feel excited about teaching my kids to ride someday (if they want to), and excited that my kids will know that their mom has passions and interests, and that they can have unique passions and interests too!

Here are some screen shots of my recent riding adventures. Learning English has made me feel like a beginner all over again in a lot of ways. I'm learning so many new things and I'm loving it! It feels good to challenge myself and try to improve. This experience has really taught me that it's such a good thing to have dreams. I always dreamt of becoming a wife and mom, and I also always dreamt of riding horses. Riding horses is WAY less important to me than being a wife and mom, but it's something that brings a spark of excitement and a lot of personal fulfillment into my life. I've really been learning that Heavenly Father wants us to have that personal fulfillment in our lives. I believe He wants us to pursue our dreams for our families and for ourselves as individuals- and when we seek His guidance, He can help those to fit together and be in harmony. 

Click here to read about Developing Talents on lds.org.

Moms: Losing Yourself Without Forgetting Yourself

I've recently been thinking about a paradox that has been brought to my attention throughout my time being a mom.

It begins with this verse from the Bible:

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:25


I feel very strongly that mothers really live this scripture verse! I can think of few others who "lose their life" for Christ's sake in the way that mothers do.

On the other hand, there have been times I have felt I have lost myself in a way that just doesn't feel quite right...

Talking to a friend:
Friend: So, what have you been up to lately?
(I think about my last couple of days: changed lots of diapers, took naps while trying to get the kids to sleep, cleaned the house a billion times but it looks like it hasn't been cleaned in a year, played with toys, read children's books, almost drowned in dirty laundry, kissed lots of owwies.)
Me: Uhhh.... Not much.
Friend: What do you like to do?
Me: Uhh..... I don't really do anything. Change diapers?..Wait! I like to play trucks! ...and draw BIG dragons!!! ... Does that count?


I really DO love playing trucks and drawing big dragons- because it makes my son Eli SOOOO happy! I love making my kids happy, and making sure they are taken care of, and nurturing them, and giving them my full attention, and just being there for them! Nothing I have ever done has brought more meaning to my life than being a wife and mother.

But there have been times since becoming a mom that I've felt like maybe I've lost myself a little too much. This has caused me a lot of confusion. I'm supposed to lose myself in service, right??

In some ways, becoming a mother has changed me in ways that have made me feel more like my true self -the self that God intends me to eventually become. I have been more refined, stretched, and strengthened than ever before. Motherhood has required me to become more selfless than ever before. I've learned to put my kids needs above my own desires at many times. I've learned to find balance, and simplify life so that I can focus on the things that really, really matter to me- and that really bring me joy. My marriage has been strengthened and I treasure my marriage and husband more than ever before. And our kids bring us SO much joy!

But on those days that I can't even remember what I like to do, I sometimes don't feel like myself anymore.

Tonight a few things clicked in my mind.

But I have to give a little background info first-

Ever since having kids, I feel like I've kind of been searching for some kind of hobby or interest. Something to make me feel unique again. And to make me feel like I'm learning and growing. I've jumped around and tried several things. But I've often felt that somehow I have lost the Erica that I used to be before becoming a mom.

Recently, during our summer vacation in Virginia, my parents put together an opportunity for me and my husband to ride horses! Riding horses is something I always dreamt of doing as a kid, and then had the opportunity to get involved in when I was around 11-16. I took lessons, and we even owned/shared a horse for a while. When I moved at age 16, I kind of left it all behind me and didn't have the same opportunities anymore.

When we rode in Virginia, I felt like my old self again. Riding was so therapeutic! And afterwards, my sister and parents said things like, "It's so good to see Erica on a horse again." And my husband was so surprised to see a part of me he had never seen before! It made him happy to see me light up and enjoy myself like that.

It made me realize that riding horses is something that could make me feel like my old self again. It could make me feel like Erica. But while considering the costs and sacrifices of riding horses, I've been questioning whether it is worth it. ...Is it ok to spend 2-3 hours away from my kids each week to go be with horses- just because it's something I want to do, and because I need some time to myself??? Is it really worth it to spend money just so I can go enjoy myself and pursue an interest?? Is it ok to let someone else watch my kids for a little while so I can take that time???
...Are people going to think I'm a bad mom?

Mom's can feel guilty about anything. (I guess it's some kind of special skill!! ....)

My husband has always been so supportive of me! And after seeing me ride a horse, he started encouraging me to think about taking lessons. While walking tonight with my husband, I was expressing all of these fears/doubts/confusions to him. He said something that just made everything click in my mind.

He reminded me that President Russell M. Nelson (Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), who I believe whole-heartedly to be a man of God, likes to ski! Last General Conference, several of the apostles lovingly and teasingly referred to how President Nelson likes to ski (even being 94 years old!) and that he even took his grandchildren skiing (because his own children were too old!)! They joked about having problems keeping him off the slopes!

I remember listening to conference, and finding out that President Nelson likes to ski. I thought it was so fun- it made me want to get to know President Nelson more! It struck me: the fact that President Nelson skis does not make him any less dedicated to the Lord, or to serving members of the Church and all people of the world! In fact, knowing that he skis makes him seem so human- so personable, so fun, so real, so relatable. I respect him and follow him, knowing that he is a prophet of God. But knowing he skis makes me want to get to know him just for who he is!


(President Nelson is the second from the right)

As a mom, having personal interests doesn't make me any less dedicated to my family. It makes me more human- it makes me more approachable, more personable, more real! It makes me fun to get to know. It helps me talk to other people and connect with them. It even benefits my children- it gives them a mom who can let go of the stresses of everyday life and be fun! It gives them a mom who loves life, who cherishes her time with them, and who can be more present at home because she is reassured that she will have time for herself later.

Just like the men and women of God who lead the Church have interests and hobbies, we moms can (and should) have interests and hobbies too (whether reading a book, skiing, sewing, cooking, yoga, karate, talking with a friend, etc). We can serve our family, and still take care of ourselves.

Losing ourself in the service of our families is truly a noble cause. But Heavenly Father doesn't want us to forget ourselves. He doesn't want us to constantly put our own needs, well being, emotional health, and even interests on the back burner. He wants us to take care of ourselves, and to nurture the interests, talents, and hobbies that He planted within us. He made each of us unique. He made each of us fun, interesting, and exciting. He wants us to be excited about getting to know ourselves and others, and about learning new things and developing our talents.

So, I'm starting to understand that there is a way to lose myself in service to my children without forgetting to take care of and nurture myself.

The Fear-Tension-Pain Cycle

One of my favorite lessons from our incredible Childbirth Educator was about the "Fear, Tension, Pain Cycle."

Our society has created this connection between the ideas of childbirth and pain. It's almost always the first question someone has when they ask me about my natural birth experience- "Was the pain overwhelming? Was the pain too much? How painful was it? How did you manage the pain?"

I mentioned this in my birth story, but I honestly would not look back and label my birth experience as "painful." Labor and birth could be painful at times (every mother's body and experience is unique!), but for me, "pain" doesn't describe the experience or feelings I had.

On the other hand, I really believe that if I had gone into childbirth with the idea in my mind that it would be super painful- and if that's the only idea I had about birth- I think I would have had the whole experience and perhaps labeled it as painful. Because if it was what I expected, it's probably what I would have interpreted the experience as.

My preparation for childbirth helped me so much! Preparation is so worth it! One of the best things for me was reading positive birth stories! (Especially the positive stories in Ina May Gaskin's Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. The whole first half of the book is of mothers sharing their positive, real birth stories.) Because I had read about so many other people's experiences, I was able to create in my mind an idea of what a contraction felt like. It felt like a big wave that came over me and took over my body. I no longer had to imagine a contraction as simply "pain." I now had a way to conceptualize it that was much more positive and made more sense to me. I learned to think of contractions as feelings of tightening and opening and pressure, rather than just "pain."

So to me, contractions felt like waves of pressure that would overwhelm my body, and I could really feel my body tightening and opening. These feelings were much easier for me to manage than if I had been trying to manage "pain."

For me there were times that the birth process was uncomfortable, new, and challenging, but I don't think of it as a painful experience. It was empowering and incredible! Just because something is challenging and is hard work, doesn't mean it is bad or has to be scary!

I had also learned that birth is a natural process, and that during birth there would not be anything "wrong" with my body. Pain is meant to signal to our brain that something is wrong with our body! During a normal, healthy birth, there is nothing wrong with the mother's body. Everything it is doing is normal and healthy. But if we interpret the sensations we are feeling as pain, our mind is receiving the message, "Something is wrong! Help! This is bad!"


So this brings us to the Fear, Tension, Pain Cycle:

-When your body feels fear, it naturally goes into "fight or flight" mode.
-Thinking that you need to either fight or flee makes your body tense up.
-When your body is birthing, there is no need to fight or flight. Your body needs to relax in order to open up. Your uterus is trying to help your cervix open, and the birth path (vagina) needs to be opened and relaxed. If you are tensing up, your body is fighting itself. Suddenly your body is telling your cervix to relax and open, but your mind is telling it: "No! Danger! Close back up so I can run away if I need to!"
-This tension, your body and mind fighting each other- and your body ultimately fighting against itself, causes increased pain.
-Feeling pain causes your mind to have more fear, so the cycle just continues, and the fear, tension, and pain keep increasing.



Another thought:
I think this is a super interesting point: Both Ina May Gaskin and Marie F. Mongan (as well as other natural birth experts) agree that a human body is a lot like an animal's body. In nature, if an animal is about to give birth, but suddenly feels threatened (maybe by a predator), their body can reverse labor, so that labor stops, and they can make a run for it. A human mother's body is the same way! If a mother feels fear while in labor (maybe fear caused by what society has told her about birth and pain), her labor may become much more difficult because her body is fighting against itself.


In conclusion, fear will not help a mother to have a good birthing experience. Fear is likely to make the mother more tense during labor and birth, which will result in her experience becoming more painful and stressful.

How to Prevent and/or Break the Cycle: The cycle starts with fear, so I think it is vital that a mother learns how to eliminate fear before birth, and to overcome moments of fear during birth. From my personal experience, I was able to eliminate fear before birth to the point that I was no longer afraid, but was excited for the experience. During labor, at some of the very intense moments, I really had to battle off feelings of fear that tried to creep in. Each mother's strategy will be different, but find what works for you, both to eliminate fear and overcome it if it tries to creep back in!

Some things that can help eliminate fear:
-Learn about birth. Become familiar with the different stages of labor and birth. Know how women typically feel during each stage, so that when you experience it yourself, you will know it is normal. Knowing that your experience is normal, even when it is intense, can help you to recognize that you have no need to panic, and nothing is wrong. At first learning about birth might be uncomfortable to you, and the process might still seem scary, but keep learning and seeking out good sources that encourage you. Don't stop learning until your perspective on birth changes from scary to incredible!
-Read positive birth stories!! Fill your mind with positive birth experiences and thoughts so that it becomes something beautiful and exciting in your mind, rather than something scary and unknown.
-Have someone with you during labor and birth to support you, reassure you, and cheer you on! It should be someone who is familiar with birth enough to stay calm and encouraging throughout the process, not someone who will be nervous and fearful.
-Have tools/strategies available to you during labor and birth. Know what helps you relax and feel comfortable! For me it was a special music playlist, warm water, my husband, and an awesome doula.


I would recommend to all women that they do what it takes to become comfortable and confident with the idea of giving birth. Eliminating fear about birth from our minds will only enable us to have better, more empowering birth experiences.